Just For A Moment!

As Tom lay in bed last night, his mind quite clear for the most part.... still in shock of what Alz. is changing him into. I hoped he'd never see or know that part. He shows his love for me everyday but is clueless of what he actually does and says.

I purposely have not drawn these changes to his attention as it would only make him feel bad if he realized.... I choose to make our lives as he is the best it can be. Because I can change and adapt and he can't...

He can only feel bad of what he is aware of and though he WANTS to be who he was and he said he was going to try really hard.... ALZ. isn't going to let him...

BUT it touches me deeply to see my old Tommy even for a moment or a day.... I miss him so terribly and those moments remind me WHY I do what I do....

Those that know us know what I am talking about....... They think I'm just spoiling him and he has me jumping to his commands.

BUT in our world... I am responding in a way that he does not realize anything is wrong... I make our world feel normal to him and that NOTHING has changed.

AND at the end of the day he tells me a hundred times he loves me so much.....

AND for us I will keep on doing it to the best of my ability....... "I LOVE YOU TOO!

Bird Feeder

Sometimes it's hard to find a way to spend the day. Most days Tom has thought ahead and has his day planned. Depending on weather and mood.

But when it's hot or a rainy day, it's sometimes challenging to find something constructive or fun to do that's appealing to him. You NEVER know what that will be.

On one of these days, to his own surprise and mine.... Tom wanted to build a bird feeder. Projects like that usually turn out to be NOT too much fun for me so I wasn't doing any cartwheels over this idea. "Not that I can do a cartwheel anyway."

He took a short trip over to the neighbors and came back with some boards for this project. I said WOW! He said "why are you just standing there. Get the saw, nails, hammer, measuring tape"...........

I said under my breath while smiling and saying I was already on it honey....."G**!@!!^%*###*&*%# rrrrrrrrrrrr!

I felt better after getting that off my chest and the rest of the project went rather well. Tom would tell me how he wanted to do it and I would show/tell him how to accomplish it and than he would follow through. ONE step at a time.

He was really pleased when he got done but now we need a post to put it on. He wanted a cedar that had a crotch in it. So off he went to find the perfect tree.
We have a small grove of cedar on our property. One winter he thinned them out by cutting them down for the deer as he thought they would starve to death if he didn't. So I've been trying to protect what's left from Tom and his "chain saw"

He come back so excited.... "I found the perfect tree! Come on I'll show you!"





"OH MY!..... a little big isn't it. Kind of a shame to cut that one down. Think of how many years
it took it to grow that tall. Besides we just need something small."










He agreed and together we found a not so great tree that had a crotch.



Next year I'll strip the bark off and stain it and paint the feeder....It will be fine the way it is for this year. "The Blue Jays LOVE IT!"













After I posted this Tom said he thought of something that he thought was funny....
I asked what? He said he had no clue he ordered me around like that...Like I said in the blog about get this and get that. He than went on to say he was sorry.

I explained that I knew he wasn't aware and that right now he was just having a clear moment and realizes it is wrong and totally unlike the old Tom.

Well than as he thought about it more he said it wasn't even funny and said he was really sorry! He was feeling bad even though I explained it was the disease and I don't take any of it to heart.

This is the Tom I fell in love with and hold in my heart.

Just Another Fun Day!

I got up this morning thinking "OH POO-EY" here we go again! I sensed that anxiety again. He did say when I got up to let the girls out, make coffee and bring him a cup "I wished those dreams would go away!!!!!"

So with hardly a pause when he got out of bed he put his cloths on while informing me we were taking a BIG tree down. It's been bugging him a long time and today was the day!

I said "al-righty than.... do I have time to get dressed?" He said "yah...I'm in no hurry. I have to sharpen my saw first."

Well that doesn't take any time so I was throwing my cloths on, made the bed and out the door behind him.

He had to cut a smaller tree down first that was in the way..... It didn't fall where it was suppose to because "I didn't push it right?" But it was small so he just cut sections till it was all on the ground while telling me I have a lot to learn.

I thought to myself "way to go...now your going to get lessons in falling a tree"

YEP I was right. He said "now look at this tree and tell me what you see." "Ummmm a really big tree!" I could tell by the look on his face, that was the wrong answer so before it went from bad to worse and he was not appreciating my sense of humor at the moment I said "just tell me what I need to do because I am NOT a logger and I do not have the knowledge you have."


That worked. So we fell the BIG tree without incident and right where he wanted it to go. WHEW!

We had a good old fire going in no time at all ..... He found a log and he sat listening to the fire crackle. I could sense the anxiety he woke with that morning, slowly diminish into the smoke that floated up into the sky.

He remained more confused than usual the rest of the day but at least his mood was better and the anxiety was gone.
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Lack of sleep and "any" stress can send them downward. He doesn't sleep well all night and the dreams are relentless. After his coffee in the morning he goes back to sleep and sleeps hard for a couple hours.

Being without a vehicle is the stress he is reacting to right now. His loss of freedom and self are brought to the forefront of his mind with a dead car sitting in the yard and the reliance on others just to go a few miles down the road for a can of gas.

"We are fine as God is watching over us and our ANGELS are swooping in and taking care of us."

Tommy's Mood?

I put a white board on our fridge for Tom... I thought I could keep the date, weather and up coming events on it. Things he asks me about often.

Well I did well with that till in July I caught myself writing June and in August I was writing July so I decided to drop the date thing since I couldn't keep it straight my self....... Tom keeps saying I'm the one who is confusing him........ AND I say to him I caught it from you! : )

SO I wiped the slate clean and drew a face, leaving the mouth off. I titled it Tommy's Mood.......... He thought that was funny.

He said, "you only gave me three hairs." I said, "that's all you have on top. I counted." (He has lot's of hair) He said, "you gave me big ears. I said, "because you have big elephant ears and I was nice and made them smaller." He laughed as he has little ears.

The first day he put a smile on it....... I told him that was nice. And I was glad he was having a good day.

Well yesterday " W A S N ' T" a good day. I could tell when he got up that he was dealing with anxiety. He told me later that he woke from a night mare and couldn't shake it. (His dreams are clear, vivid, some stupid some night mares, but all are as real as can be. "Characteristic of Alz." )

The first half the morning Tom rolled cigarettes and I stayed busy so I wouldn't accidentally ignite the fuel.....but stayed near as I knew he was also scared.

Later I went to town to get him gas for the riding lawn mower. When I got home he met me on the drive way. He was on the 4-wheeler? I stopped to see what he was up to. Obviously he wasn't mowing grass. He said the lawn mower won't start. He looked at my front tire and said..."GET THE CAR UP TO THE HOUSE NOW!" I said "what's wrong?" He said "NOW!"

So I drive up to the house and got out to look at what's wrong. My front tire was smoking...... I knew the ball joint was bad but the starter is shot too so I was just driving on borrowed time. He didn't know that.

So the lawn mower crapped and the car crapped all in the same day. I burst out laughing and he went for a ride.....When he came back he was able to realize that these two events don't mean the end of the world or our lives..... I said well at least the 4-wheeler is still running and WE still have the push mower : )

LATER I noticed he had changed the smile on the white board.

He said he did it when the mower wouldn't start and than he was REALLY mad.... I said "I see that. Boy that's a really mad face.!"

We busted out laughing "together"

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What we call bad days are the effects of Alzheimers.... Anger with no cause. It's a feeling he hates and battles as he is aware it's not warranted and beyond his control. It's scary at times but all we can do is ride the wave.

WE fight this disease with humor when we can hence the face on the white board.

Building Trap Boxes

Tom's been out talking to the Bear Guides, Border Patrol and anyone else that is down this road and cares to "BS"

Some one must have been talking about trapping.... here we go!

The new thing he says, is a box with a body grip trap in the opening..... He was going to build some..... By gosh he was gone and came back with some lumber scraps..... I know better than to ASK a question.... (pisses him off in an instant)....so I waited and eventually he told me he got it from the neighbor....

NOTE: (Tom doesn't like questions as it confuses him and IF he had a train of thought? it is now gone and he can't answer your question, which causes frustration and comes out in anger.

So I went about my OWN business mowing and weed whacking, to be out near him but minding my OWN business, not HIS. (It's ME that confuses him because I can't mind my OWN business) You Have To Chuckle......

I seen he set up the saw horses in front of the house..... Got out his skill saw, measure tape, level, hammer, nails, pencil, trap.........

I could hear him humming as he was thinking, measuring, thinking, measuring.....I went back to minding my own business as it drives me crazy to watch him struggle. It takes him all day to do something so simple...... It's a B O X the size of the trap!

I hear the saw... I say a prayer to GOD that he keeps all his digits in tact..... THAN.....M O M!!!!!!!!! he hollers. He needs me to hold his short 2x4 while he rips it...........It was maybe 3 feet long. We were all set to cut it and just like that, the saw was DEAD...

AFTER he settled down and was composed again he decided to cut it with the chain saw...... OH MY! He headed back to the shack... I followed not sure if I should stick my neck out and ask where he was going.

There was some distance between us so I said "where are you going?" Whew... he said to get his chain saw. I said "it's in front of the house where you are working." He calmly said.."Oh it is?"

So he came back and cut his board holding it with his foot.....there was no blood gushing from his foot so I figured that went okay but I better find something safer for him to cut with. I suggested the jig saw... He was fine with that and it was MUCH safer than the other two choices......

I was going to go back to minding my OWN business but he said he needed my help and it wasn't like I was doing anything anyway..... I thought no but I like the distance thing when he's doing a project. I do have a hard time keeping my mouth shut....

So I did as he asked, kept quiet unless I was asked for my two cents, and eventually mellowed enough to let me help him........ Next day WE made two more.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Today he is off looking for places to set his traps this fall. I'm thinking it may be time to look into a GPS or something.

Naughty "EM"

Emily is growing like a weed.... She keeps me on my toes, Tom laughing and entertained, and a
great sister to Mag and Lilly.

We laugh at how they have the typical oldest sister, middle sister and youngest sister behavior. And of coarse that means Emily gets away with a lot and knows when to look cute to get out of trouble.She gets away with things the other two got in trouble for. But yet Mag and Lilly love her to death and are very protective over her. If they think she's in trouble with Dad, the older girls get between him and Emily and defuse the situation. It's very touching......

Emily is smart and quick to learn, she hates to be scolded so we are careful how we respond when she is naughty.... hence " oh how cute.... she is being naughty."
She likes to hide and bury things out side...... Like my sock in the flower bed.
Tom can never find his gloves if he put them down... inside or out. He thought he put a pair on the deck of his shack and I seen some one prancing around out side with a pair.......Like Tom needs any help being confused....He does that well enough on his own.
Tom thought it was cute when he found her with his slipper but I wasn't so thrilled when I found my crocs chewed up.....Tom just says..."MOM, she's naughty! That's funny hah?" I think Tom was "naughty" as a little boy because he gets way tooo much fun out of tearing around with the girls and being "naughty" sigh........

I do laugh when they're not looking.

We both love all three to death.... Each one plays a significant role in our lives. They help me with Tom and they seem to know when he's not right or having a bad day. They look after me too! They are a blessing!