I am full of sadness.... I am sad because I miss Tom and I miss having any kind of life outside the world of "Alzheimers"
I get glimpses of the rest of the world by short phone calls...... but I can only listen... not touch or be apart of it.........Sometimes someone drops in briefly but it's all quickly swept away as they leave...... and the dust settles behind them......
The other day I seen a glimpse of what use to be.... his face lit up and his eyes twinkled as he watch me step out of the house and approach him..... "I still get excited when I see you... like the day we met..... it's never changed." .............. "What are you talking about?" I asked as I wanted to hear it come from his lips as it's been so long since I've seen this look.
He was standing by a fire he built in the fire pit..... He had been there for hours..... He said it brought him back to the old days at the shack.....the radio blaring country music and the fire and him......
I get glimpses of the rest of the world by short phone calls...... but I can only listen... not touch or be apart of it.........Sometimes someone drops in briefly but it's all quickly swept away as they leave...... and the dust settles behind them......
The other day I seen a glimpse of what use to be.... his face lit up and his eyes twinkled as he watch me step out of the house and approach him..... "I still get excited when I see you... like the day we met..... it's never changed." .............. "What are you talking about?" I asked as I wanted to hear it come from his lips as it's been so long since I've seen this look.
He was standing by a fire he built in the fire pit..... He had been there for hours..... He said it brought him back to the old days at the shack.....the radio blaring country music and the fire and him......
MOM....... the girls want out and can I have a cup of coffee!!!!!!! I crawled across our BIG bed..... let the girls out and as I poured him a cup of coffee I looked out to the fire pit...... the embers were smoldering from the evening before......it was real... it wasn't a dream.... but in a way it was just a dream because now it is only a memory.
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6/12/10
If you know anything about Alzheimer's you know it is unpredictable ........ It's not always a down slide or plateau .... Sometimes it goes the other way for awhile... a day.... a week.... sometimes more......... or less......
I hope not to jinx it but Tom has been SHOCKING me lately with his "old self" which is a very warm welcome as we could laugh together over nothing........
Don't get me wrong ..... it's a hit and miss thing BUT when it's a hit....... I soak up every second. The funny part is he doesn't seem aware of it.... ?????? He just thinks he's in a good mood and having a good day.
I had to do some business in town... I left the dishes and a mess the girls had made from the night before.... I told him I'd clean it up when I got home...... I make all trips to town in the morning because he will most times sleep till I get back.
When I got home.... to my shocking surprise... he had washed the dishes and put them away (some not in the right places) and cleaned up the main two rooms in the house.....(the girls messes.... they had shredded rope and sticks .... boredom from rainy days.)
He use to clean house because he enjoyed it..... now leaves a trail......I told him the results of my trip to town and kept it simple and factual and darn it when he went to translate what I said to his sisters.... well let's just say... it was not what came from my mouth. ha ha......
We played cribbage yesterday and I kicked his butt three times but he played well..... during the third game I could see confusion slightly creeping in and he said he didn't want to play any more. I could see he was pleased he remembered the game.
His new saying as of late is "your funny"....... when he isn't sure what was said..... you can see it is his eyes....... and the words are said with a child's tone of voice.... nothing I have ever heard before..... It's cute!
3 comments:
Aw Cyn, I read your post and saw the pic your grand daughter drew on the fridge. This is beautiful and oh so sad at the same time. I can so relate to how the changes effect everything and everyone, but I'm glad you can still have some time with your little ones from time to time. Kids are really so insightful arent' they? More than we can even realize sometimes.
You and I do the best we can with our circumstances, but sometimes it's just not enough, as we think in our own minds and feel helpless, lost.
I read your posts and feel your anguish, but most of all understand.
That is a lovely photo with the smoke hanging over like that.
Glad you got a visit from Tom's brother, but again a happy sad one. Is he showing any signs of AD? I know in his mind he must be just a bit concerned about that, as we all are when we have it so close in our family.
Don't forget along with caring for your Tom, to try and find some way to care for yourself.
Much love and concern, Becky
Thanks Becky...........your words mean a lot to me because I can "feel" your understanding.
Tom's family have a history of cancer....... Alzheimer's is kind of a surprise. He does have an uncle who is up there in age who has it and a great aunt who died at a very old age with it...... It's the only history I could find.... we haven't been able to find out if there are cousins on that side of the family with it............ ?
Hugs back to you as I know where you are in all this too. Take care!
Love Cyn
Oh Mom..my heart feels your sadness. It's just so unfair on so many levels!! The picture however, is beautiful!! I love you!!
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