This morning when I awoke the sun was shining brightly.... that meant to me it was brutally cold outside but it was so CHEeRful to see the sun glisten......reflecting off the snow...... so bright.
So WHAT are we going to do today? I sigh. Warm or cold... sun or no sun.... snow or no snow ...... windy or calm........good day or bad day....... hmmmmm?
It doesn't matter.... I don't know Tom what you can do today..... Call a friend and go for a ride in the woods and see what all the loggers are doing? Nope... that one friend that hasn't deserted him is in Florida for the winter....
Maybe someone will pop out for a visit..... probably not... that one person doesn't even call since that last "episode"..... Tom doesn't contribute to conversation these days but still likes to hear the gossip around town...... BUT I guess they feel uncomfortable these days....... I don't know because they haven't called me either.
He could go give the old man next door a helping hand......BUT Tom's get up and go do is broke... He wants to.... but? Guess you have to be in his shoes to understand.
Guess I'll let him sleep..... because when he is awake and has nothing to look forward to he sits and thinks about how he was and wonders where it all went? It's heart breaking......
Hopefully he will have his 4-wheeler back soon (son is fixing it) ... then he can at least buzz up and down the drive way and come in as a choice saying... brr it's cold out there. I'm staying in here with you where it's nice and warm.
OR when it snows a little bit... he can go plow the snow and feel like he did a day's work.....
WHERE did everybody go?
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Super Bowl Sunday
Super Bowl Sunday???? I thought it was about football.....
I do hear the words "who you rooting for?" but then that is followed by "what you having to eat?" or "what you makin' to eat for the Super Bowl?
Well I made crispy chicken wings and crispy fried french fries....... shrimp dip for his favorite..."old dutch potato chips..... and chocolate pudding pie. Probably not very traditional but all of his favorite snack foods.
After I made the shrimp dip around noon....... I asked if I should get the rest made so we can just snack all day.... "Well Yah!"
I threw the chicken in the oven to heat and make crispy and started heating the oil for the fries...... "nice and crispy" he reminded me.
"I'm having me a snack" he says as I start cooking fries.... He and the girls sat in the chair in front of the TV and devoured chips and shrimp dip...... I could hear lot's of smacking noises above the sound of the TV.
After I pulled the first batch of fries out of the deep fryer the chips and dip were put away and before I could get the second batch done and in the pan ...... the first batch was gone...... "mmmm perfect Mom"...... came from the corner of the room.
Third batch of fries were cooking when the chicken came out of the oven...... moments later the chicken was going like nobodies business...... I was beginning to wonder if his stop eating button got broke....
"I'm full Mom..... are you going to have some?" That didn't require an answer... just a smile.
It wasn't that much after I had a snack "I could go for a piece of pie.... could you?" I burst out laughing and asked "where are you putting all that food?" "Just a little piece he said."
We had an hour before game time and I took a little snooze as he watched the pre-game stuff. The game was fun to watch.... or maybe it's just HE is fun to watch when he is excited about a game......
Back to the food and the game...... What's with the food for this one game when we watch all the other games during the season without the food thing?
I do hear the words "who you rooting for?" but then that is followed by "what you having to eat?" or "what you makin' to eat for the Super Bowl?
Well I made crispy chicken wings and crispy fried french fries....... shrimp dip for his favorite..."old dutch potato chips..... and chocolate pudding pie. Probably not very traditional but all of his favorite snack foods.
After I made the shrimp dip around noon....... I asked if I should get the rest made so we can just snack all day.... "Well Yah!"
I threw the chicken in the oven to heat and make crispy and started heating the oil for the fries...... "nice and crispy" he reminded me.
"I'm having me a snack" he says as I start cooking fries.... He and the girls sat in the chair in front of the TV and devoured chips and shrimp dip...... I could hear lot's of smacking noises above the sound of the TV.
After I pulled the first batch of fries out of the deep fryer the chips and dip were put away and before I could get the second batch done and in the pan ...... the first batch was gone...... "mmmm perfect Mom"...... came from the corner of the room.
Third batch of fries were cooking when the chicken came out of the oven...... moments later the chicken was going like nobodies business...... I was beginning to wonder if his stop eating button got broke....
"I'm full Mom..... are you going to have some?" That didn't require an answer... just a smile.
It wasn't that much after I had a snack "I could go for a piece of pie.... could you?" I burst out laughing and asked "where are you putting all that food?" "Just a little piece he said."
We had an hour before game time and I took a little snooze as he watched the pre-game stuff. The game was fun to watch.... or maybe it's just HE is fun to watch when he is excited about a game......
Back to the food and the game...... What's with the food for this one game when we watch all the other games during the season without the food thing?
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Snow On The Roof...
Whew!!!! What a day... Warm weather brought on the need to remove snow from the roof.....
I started Friday but was finding it difficult to do. I just didn't have any oomph. Tom wasn't about to get involved because it looked too much like work.
So Saturday he said he'd give me a hand.... I mentioned it probably wouldn't take long if we took turns while the other rested.....
I could see he was really thinking hard on how to get out of it... so I said.... "it's a sucky job and it's even worse when you don't want to do it..... he sheepishly smiled... I laughed.
Well that didn't last long...... he said he injured his shoulder and couldn't use it...... hummmm??
The job is done.... how much snow we get will determine if it needs to be done again this year but the TOWN CRYER or in this instance.... TOM announced that will be good enough now for the rest of the year.... ?
Poor Tom struggles with knowing things that need to be done or things he could do but the part of the brain that motivates you to get up and do is broke.... he didn't know that... the last visit to the Dr. he asked if he could give him a pill that will give him his ambition back.......
I explained it to Tom and told him not to fret about what he can't do but get up and get out and DO things he still can...... WE still has a life to live....
I started Friday but was finding it difficult to do. I just didn't have any oomph. Tom wasn't about to get involved because it looked too much like work.
So Saturday he said he'd give me a hand.... I mentioned it probably wouldn't take long if we took turns while the other rested.....
I could see he was really thinking hard on how to get out of it... so I said.... "it's a sucky job and it's even worse when you don't want to do it..... he sheepishly smiled... I laughed.
Well that didn't last long...... he said he injured his shoulder and couldn't use it...... hummmm??
The job is done.... how much snow we get will determine if it needs to be done again this year but the TOWN CRYER or in this instance.... TOM announced that will be good enough now for the rest of the year.... ?
Poor Tom struggles with knowing things that need to be done or things he could do but the part of the brain that motivates you to get up and do is broke.... he didn't know that... the last visit to the Dr. he asked if he could give him a pill that will give him his ambition back.......
I explained it to Tom and told him not to fret about what he can't do but get up and get out and DO things he still can...... WE still has a life to live....
Friday, February 4, 2011
A New Day
A cold snap just ended bringing us temps in the 20's and 30's..... above that is. Warm temps usually bring in snow with it.... I like it because it gives me outside chores to do...
Shoveling, snow blowing and removing snow from the roof..... I love winter and the out doors but the only time I get outside these days is to go out and do the have to-do-s...... Tom tolerates my absents because he doesn't want to do the work.......
There is a golden lining in everything..... : )
He does keep the coffee on and calls me in often to "warm up & take a break"....... so it takes me most of the day to do what I normally could do in a few hours.... BUT that's okay..... We have the time.
The past week I have been safety proofing the house as we step into the unknown.... because of two great forums on the internet... (www.thealzheimerspouse.com and www.alz.org ) ......I know what to do next.... and sort of what to expect to some extent....
As each person is unique... so is this disease in each person BUT there are many characteristics that are the same.... and all the safety issues apply.
I am so busy I don't have time to be bored..... and when I have some time to myself I have hobbies to relax with...... I've never been an idle women so I guess that makes me suited for this job........
I get tired out now and then but for the most part I see everything as a challenge.....and an adventure... and I'm always game for both.
Tom is doing remarkably well according to his Doctor and credits that to his excellent care and that I attribute to GOD and my circle of Angels......
Shoveling, snow blowing and removing snow from the roof..... I love winter and the out doors but the only time I get outside these days is to go out and do the have to-do-s...... Tom tolerates my absents because he doesn't want to do the work.......
There is a golden lining in everything..... : )
He does keep the coffee on and calls me in often to "warm up & take a break"....... so it takes me most of the day to do what I normally could do in a few hours.... BUT that's okay..... We have the time.
The past week I have been safety proofing the house as we step into the unknown.... because of two great forums on the internet... (www.thealzheimerspouse.com and www.alz.org ) ......I know what to do next.... and sort of what to expect to some extent....
As each person is unique... so is this disease in each person BUT there are many characteristics that are the same.... and all the safety issues apply.
I am so busy I don't have time to be bored..... and when I have some time to myself I have hobbies to relax with...... I've never been an idle women so I guess that makes me suited for this job........
I get tired out now and then but for the most part I see everything as a challenge.....and an adventure... and I'm always game for both.
Tom is doing remarkably well according to his Doctor and credits that to his excellent care and that I attribute to GOD and my circle of Angels......
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Vacationing?
Tom has been on a little vacation in his mind for the past few weeks..... Unfortunately he didn't go on one of our many hunting - fishing trips. He went back to work in Colorado where he fed a blacktop plant.
This plant put out a million ton of blacktop in one year. Tom worked unbelievable hours and many days never got out of the loader he ran. He was amazing at his job. Nobody could do what this man did. Many days I would ride in the loader with him just to see him. He did this for ten years.
Well that's where he went and got stuck 24/7 working at this plant.....me too.... I go where he goes and he had me working at the plant too.
Under a Dr's care we got his meds tweaked and finally got him back to our little world in the woods......
He is different now.... which is how it all goes.
BUT life goes on, we have moved on to a different normal.... I'll just have to be more creative .....
We are getting a dump of snow as I write so I'll be busy for a few more days... I'll be back. Miss Me? ; )
************************************************
1/30/11
It started out ...the first part of January.... Tom begin to talk in his sleep. It was kinda cute... he' d laugh and giggle... they were happy dreams.
Well eventually the dreams became more a part of reality to him as he started hand movements, which in turn escalated to sleep walking. Nope it didn't stop there.
He ended up not knowing what was real or dream. He went back to work in Colorado where he had a very demanding job..... he told me it was as real as can be. He knew he was in his house and was running this black top plant with all the old guys right here in our house. Tom didn't sleep for near a week. Let me leave it there...
It was the most bizarre thing I have ever experienced. Where I live the choices are few. None of them good. So our one Dr. who deals with the meds for dementia people agreed to "try" to get Tom back.
He only agreed after talking to me and found I was very realistic about this disease, had a good support system and founded me very grounded.
He told me I have done an excellent job with caring for Tom and added quality to his life beyond what he has seen. He also noted Tom would have been institutionalized a long time ago if It weren't for me........ I knew that but was really nice hearing those words from his lips.
We have Tom back now.... not quite the same but better than I had expected.
So life goes on..... not too much different than it was..... And we have only God to thank for bringing Tom back to where he is now.
And I hold the deepest respect and gratitude for the Dr. who thought Tom was worth a try.....
I am finding that people with this disease are disposable....... how sad! No you can't STOP or CURE this disease BUT they can be given QUALITY of life..... not all but that's where everybody gets thrown into one bucket.
The first response I got when I asked for help was..... he isn't going to get any better.... you can't stop this disease from doing what it wants..... maybe it's time to just put him away...... why are you doing all this for this one man.
I also have to mention, speaking of gratitude....... I have found that the most unexpected of people from our community have reached out with a helping hand..... This day and age you don't see that like the old days where everybody looked out for there neighbor.
Tom was one of those guys..... always lending a helping hand.... he would give his last dollar, last cigarette and the shirt off his back....... Something to ponder.
This plant put out a million ton of blacktop in one year. Tom worked unbelievable hours and many days never got out of the loader he ran. He was amazing at his job. Nobody could do what this man did. Many days I would ride in the loader with him just to see him. He did this for ten years.
Well that's where he went and got stuck 24/7 working at this plant.....me too.... I go where he goes and he had me working at the plant too.
Under a Dr's care we got his meds tweaked and finally got him back to our little world in the woods......
He is different now.... which is how it all goes.
BUT life goes on, we have moved on to a different normal.... I'll just have to be more creative .....
We are getting a dump of snow as I write so I'll be busy for a few more days... I'll be back. Miss Me? ; )
************************************************
1/30/11
It started out ...the first part of January.... Tom begin to talk in his sleep. It was kinda cute... he' d laugh and giggle... they were happy dreams.
Well eventually the dreams became more a part of reality to him as he started hand movements, which in turn escalated to sleep walking. Nope it didn't stop there.
He ended up not knowing what was real or dream. He went back to work in Colorado where he had a very demanding job..... he told me it was as real as can be. He knew he was in his house and was running this black top plant with all the old guys right here in our house. Tom didn't sleep for near a week. Let me leave it there...
It was the most bizarre thing I have ever experienced. Where I live the choices are few. None of them good. So our one Dr. who deals with the meds for dementia people agreed to "try" to get Tom back.
He only agreed after talking to me and found I was very realistic about this disease, had a good support system and founded me very grounded.
He told me I have done an excellent job with caring for Tom and added quality to his life beyond what he has seen. He also noted Tom would have been institutionalized a long time ago if It weren't for me........ I knew that but was really nice hearing those words from his lips.
We have Tom back now.... not quite the same but better than I had expected.
So life goes on..... not too much different than it was..... And we have only God to thank for bringing Tom back to where he is now.
And I hold the deepest respect and gratitude for the Dr. who thought Tom was worth a try.....
I am finding that people with this disease are disposable....... how sad! No you can't STOP or CURE this disease BUT they can be given QUALITY of life..... not all but that's where everybody gets thrown into one bucket.
The first response I got when I asked for help was..... he isn't going to get any better.... you can't stop this disease from doing what it wants..... maybe it's time to just put him away...... why are you doing all this for this one man.
I also have to mention, speaking of gratitude....... I have found that the most unexpected of people from our community have reached out with a helping hand..... This day and age you don't see that like the old days where everybody looked out for there neighbor.
Tom was one of those guys..... always lending a helping hand.... he would give his last dollar, last cigarette and the shirt off his back....... Something to ponder.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
He Remembered My B-Day
I had a B-Day recently...... Usually in December Tom will mention it and try to guess between two dates which one it is...... I think it's funny because I don't care about dates... I care more about life everyday.
This year he hasn't said a word... I left it alone because I really don't care..... The day of my birthday I was bringing his morning coffee and was going to tell him it was my B-Day so he wouldn't be thrown off guard when family called to wish me a good day......
My mother was on the phone I had in my hand when I brought him his coffee in bed... He wasn't even all the way awake.....
"Here's your coffee sweetheart".....I whispered softly in his ear.... Tom opened his eyes and said... "Happy Birthday Mom!"..... I was so surprised I said "WHAT?"
He said..."Happy Birthday".......
My Mom heard this too and KNEW he had just given me the Best B-DAY present ever..... She was thrilled for me because SHE knows better than anyone else in the whole world what kind of relationship, love and happiness that Alzheimer's is stripping away from me..... We spent a lot time with her a few years back so she seen up close and personal how "WE WERE"....
Ummmm we seen how she really was too un-be-known to anyone else.... hee hee (wink)
Like Christmas Tom responded well to a couple of our kids stopping by to wish me a Happy Birthday but it also tickled me how they pulled it off.....
One came with stuffed animals for each of our girls.... and the other came with raw hides for the girls and candy for Tom..... : )
And like Christmas there were no repercussions later.......
If only we could stay in this place for awhile.... it's not bad from what we have been through till now.... But realistically? It is probably the calm before the next storm.
BUT I will not worry about what isn't and may be to come........ INSTEAD I will relish in what I have today.
***********************************************
1/15/11
This year he hasn't said a word... I left it alone because I really don't care..... The day of my birthday I was bringing his morning coffee and was going to tell him it was my B-Day so he wouldn't be thrown off guard when family called to wish me a good day......
My mother was on the phone I had in my hand when I brought him his coffee in bed... He wasn't even all the way awake.....
"Here's your coffee sweetheart".....I whispered softly in his ear.... Tom opened his eyes and said... "Happy Birthday Mom!"..... I was so surprised I said "WHAT?"
He said..."Happy Birthday".......
My Mom heard this too and KNEW he had just given me the Best B-DAY present ever..... She was thrilled for me because SHE knows better than anyone else in the whole world what kind of relationship, love and happiness that Alzheimer's is stripping away from me..... We spent a lot time with her a few years back so she seen up close and personal how "WE WERE"....
Ummmm we seen how she really was too un-be-known to anyone else.... hee hee (wink)
Like Christmas Tom responded well to a couple of our kids stopping by to wish me a Happy Birthday but it also tickled me how they pulled it off.....
One came with stuffed animals for each of our girls.... and the other came with raw hides for the girls and candy for Tom..... : )
And like Christmas there were no repercussions later.......
If only we could stay in this place for awhile.... it's not bad from what we have been through till now.... But realistically? It is probably the calm before the next storm.
BUT I will not worry about what isn't and may be to come........ INSTEAD I will relish in what I have today.
***********************************************
1/15/11
Living with Alzheimer's in our life keeps me pretty busy caring for Tom and the girls... One does not realize what that requires. Some outsiders think I just hang out with nothing but time on my hands ...... and I say to them your welcome to walk my shoes for a day as I could use the break.
I stay focused on the positives in each and everyday..... I don't take the time to waddle in self pity as that would be just throwing precious life away..... God has given me a very special job to do and I give it my all....
I have been able to detach from what was and I am so busy with what is and the ever changing circumstances of every day that I don't have time to miss what was or what we were planning for our future.... "Our Golden Years"
I have found peace in my heart and in my soul living my life for God. Taking care of this man who has been inflicted with this unmerciful disease..... I imagine where he is ... lost in his own mind... depending on ME to take care of his needs and keep him safe...... and when he trails back to the past I go with him..... he is not alone.... I hold his hand in past and present.
He feels and responds to my love for him and trusts me completely. It's scary at times for him when he isn't sure what is real.... but I tell him it's okay.... where we live...... real is where and what we want it to be...... He is comforted by that as he knows where ever he is in his mind... I will be there with him.
I see in his eyes sometimes fear..... fear when he realizes he isn't who he was.... when something has happened that he is aware of that is unlike who he was. I make light of it and we laugh.
With my attitude to enjoy what we have today and let go of the things we can not change, and stuff is stuff, it doesn't make or break our lives as we live it...... We swiftly move past the small stuff.....
I keep the atmosphere happy, joyful, and as fun as I can.....trying to keep him stimulated without pushing him over the edge.... somedays he is just not here and seems to want to be alone...... as he works so hard to stay grounded.... those days I maintain the light atmosphere but in a quiet sort of way.....
I do get frustrated at times and could wring his neck but when I actually think about what pissed me off... it's kind of funny...... of coarse I don't react in front of him so I have time to think about how ridiculous what he said that rubbed me the wrong way, was....
Tom is a man of few words these days but let me tell you by night it is none stop talk.... He is clear and makes total sense..... by day it's a whole different story. lol
When he is in this dream / talking / acting out state... we can interact with each other.... he usually wakes in the middle of it and starts laughing realizing what he his doing for a second and than starts right back at it again...... I told him he has me and the girls totally entertained .... he laughs and thinks it's funny as he does not have nightmares like when he first started this journey.
Tom at this point has given up doing anything at all...... instead he sits and thinks about all the things he doesn't have and if only had them he could do this or that.....
He thinks it is lack of having certain things that keep him from doing anything at all.
Till now this disease has made our life ALL about TOM.... than I slowly became aware that it isn't ALL about him.... it's about ALL of us that are connected to him.... this disease is effecting and touching everyone that is a part of our lives in some way....
So without taking away from Tom's needs, life and security I find creative ways to still find something for myself and to stay in some way a part of the lives of others that are important to me......
That is important because my health and frame of mind directly effects Tom's care. I haven't found a way to get respite so at times I get pretty tired and wore down....
Keep us in your prayers as we have still a long way to go..... And thanks to all who support us, stand beside us and are there to give us a helping hand when needed.
There are people who don't know us but know about us who have helped us "because they can" to you I say "GOD BLESS!"
I stay focused on the positives in each and everyday..... I don't take the time to waddle in self pity as that would be just throwing precious life away..... God has given me a very special job to do and I give it my all....
I have been able to detach from what was and I am so busy with what is and the ever changing circumstances of every day that I don't have time to miss what was or what we were planning for our future.... "Our Golden Years"
I have found peace in my heart and in my soul living my life for God. Taking care of this man who has been inflicted with this unmerciful disease..... I imagine where he is ... lost in his own mind... depending on ME to take care of his needs and keep him safe...... and when he trails back to the past I go with him..... he is not alone.... I hold his hand in past and present.
He feels and responds to my love for him and trusts me completely. It's scary at times for him when he isn't sure what is real.... but I tell him it's okay.... where we live...... real is where and what we want it to be...... He is comforted by that as he knows where ever he is in his mind... I will be there with him.
I see in his eyes sometimes fear..... fear when he realizes he isn't who he was.... when something has happened that he is aware of that is unlike who he was. I make light of it and we laugh.
With my attitude to enjoy what we have today and let go of the things we can not change, and stuff is stuff, it doesn't make or break our lives as we live it...... We swiftly move past the small stuff.....
I keep the atmosphere happy, joyful, and as fun as I can.....trying to keep him stimulated without pushing him over the edge.... somedays he is just not here and seems to want to be alone...... as he works so hard to stay grounded.... those days I maintain the light atmosphere but in a quiet sort of way.....
I do get frustrated at times and could wring his neck but when I actually think about what pissed me off... it's kind of funny...... of coarse I don't react in front of him so I have time to think about how ridiculous what he said that rubbed me the wrong way, was....
Tom is a man of few words these days but let me tell you by night it is none stop talk.... He is clear and makes total sense..... by day it's a whole different story. lol
When he is in this dream / talking / acting out state... we can interact with each other.... he usually wakes in the middle of it and starts laughing realizing what he his doing for a second and than starts right back at it again...... I told him he has me and the girls totally entertained .... he laughs and thinks it's funny as he does not have nightmares like when he first started this journey.
Tom at this point has given up doing anything at all...... instead he sits and thinks about all the things he doesn't have and if only had them he could do this or that.....
He thinks it is lack of having certain things that keep him from doing anything at all.
Till now this disease has made our life ALL about TOM.... than I slowly became aware that it isn't ALL about him.... it's about ALL of us that are connected to him.... this disease is effecting and touching everyone that is a part of our lives in some way....
So without taking away from Tom's needs, life and security I find creative ways to still find something for myself and to stay in some way a part of the lives of others that are important to me......
That is important because my health and frame of mind directly effects Tom's care. I haven't found a way to get respite so at times I get pretty tired and wore down....
Keep us in your prayers as we have still a long way to go..... And thanks to all who support us, stand beside us and are there to give us a helping hand when needed.
There are people who don't know us but know about us who have helped us "because they can" to you I say "GOD BLESS!"
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