Going No-Where Fast.........?

Clear skies, sun shine and no wind..... "looks like a good morning to go see if I can find a partridge"...... "Good idea sweetie".... "What are you going to do?" ........ I'm going to clean up the house, roll cigarettes and fix your jeans"..... "Oh."

Soon he was dresses and ready to go.... I had about an hour to do anything I needed to do when he isn't here.  He takes a thermos of coffee like it will be late before he gets back but in reality I'm lucky to get an hour.

I did the check list thing with him to make sure he has shells, license, cigarettes and I make up a few things to make it sound like he's off on a big trek..... "How many shells do you have?"....... "Six" he relies....... "Than I expect you'll be bringing home six birds.".......... "I hope so Mom"........ "Put the mail in the box when you leave."..... "Okay"........and off he went.

 I waited as I was sure he'd be back before he went hunting..... Sanj & the boys were out the night before ......

No that's not Sanj in the tree....... lol

He returned and I waited in anticipation for his reaction..... he came in and handed me the mail from the day before and left again?????????

HOW COULD HE NOT SEE THAT THING IN THE TREE????????

I got busy doing stuff when the girls started barking.... I look out the window to see a pick up truck coming down the drive really slow?  Than I see Tom on the 4-wheeler following behind.  Than Tom comes from the back of the truck  and talks to the guy..... then the truck makes a u-turn and exposes the 4-wheeler with a yellow tow rope attached to it....... I think I said....... "OH SHIT!"

This belt was the culprit........

Thank God it wasn't complicated to change..... I just wasn't up for it....... : /

After the dust settled Tom said he seen the witch in the tree when the truck towed him home.... he thought it was really funny and loved it......

Thanks Kids!

Leaves...

Tom went 4-wheeling with a couple of  neighbors ........ we live in a nice area for that...... it was such a nice day with unusual warm temps for this time of year for us..... I'm glad he went and I hope he has fun........

This gave me an opportunity to get the leaves... and I do stress the plural on the end of leaf.... as in many!!!...... raked up and moved to the woods.......

We have a small drainage ditch that runs through our yard to drain water from the back to the ditch that drains to the county ditch...... the leaves are so thick that they create a dam in the spring and than our yard becomes a lake..... So I rake up and relocate the leaves that are a problem...... 

When I mentioned to Tom he could help me and it was good exercise... he jumped on his riding lawn mower.....  than he went round and round in circles??????  I told him if he was going to rake leaves with the mower... "blow them into the ditch and I'll get them from there."  "Okay"... he readily agreed.

So he tried with many maneuvers to accomplish this and just couldn't figure it out for the life of him..... than parked the lawn mower and said..."how is that?"  I looked around and seen nothing different so I said..."good job.. that helps me out a lot!"

He was pleased with what he did? and went inside..... at that point so did I as evening was closing in anyway. 

Now it's just me and the girls.... and they are as much help as Tom.... I raked them in a pile and they jumped in the middle to play

......

so I would distract them by telling them there was a squirrel in the tree..... 

that didn't last long and they were back in my leaves again.....  BUT in spite of there help I did get the job done and they made it fun!

A Step Back In Time.......

Tom's been stressed over his weight and the way he feels but can't seem to push himself to go for a walk, walk on the tread mill or anything else that might be linked to any form of exercise...... and he laughs at me and tells me I'm funny when I try to make him.....

Well this A. M. Tom and Emily went...... for a walk that is......

When he got back he said.... "WHOO_AH!  I'm out of shape!" ..... "Tough walk?".... "Yeah!... I went 1 1/2 miles one way"..... "Bet the walk home was the hardest." ...... "Yeah!" he chuckled...... then he took a cup of coffee out side to cool down..... him not the coffee..... he broke a sweat.... "snicker"

I was cleaning house as he had no plans for the day....... "let's go hunting"..... he said when he came in from outside... "okay!" I quickly reply.... "or should we?" he adds......

Oh dear here we go again.... Who's On First?  TOM  can not make a decision any more so we go through... "what do you think?"... "what ever you want to do is fine with me".... "I don't know what I want to do"... "than let's go, nice day for it "... I" don't know..... what do you think"........ argh!!!!!!  This goes on for awhile even when I just go ahead and make a decision....

So we went.... hunting......took only Sarah this time.... The leaves were all on the ground already as we have been having hard frosts.... I'm so glad we got to go once before "The Fall Colors"  was over....

It still was nice in the woods.... nice day.... peaceful and quiet... we never spoke much but I was back in time when he took me the first time bird hunting..... on this same road... I chuckled to myself as I went back in time.....

"Now watch for birds on your side and I'll watch this side" he said as he slowed the car to a crawl......." okay" I answered not having a clue what I was looking for?  It didn't take long before he figured that out ......

"Do you know what your looking for?" he asked as he was chuckling.  " Yah!! I replied trying to sound confident.  "Than why are you looking up in the trees?" he asks still laughing at me.  "I'm looking for birds and birds sit in trees"......

When he gained his composure he explained to me how the partridge sit low on logs or mounds of dirt and so on...... "I knew that...... I just thought the trees were pretty"..... "yah... well we're hunting not tree looking.... eyes on the ground"... and we laughed together.......

A Perfect Day......

Oh what a perfectly beautiful day......

I convinced Tom we should go road hunting.... He started rattling off a list of reasons NOT to..... which I squashed as they stumbled from his mouth as they were all lame excuses in my book........

We left Lilly and Maggie home as they are older and lazy..... so would be fine laying around the house all day together......

We took the two energetic PUPS with as Emily barks from the time we leave the house till we enter again and Sarah ?????  

Nope not leaving her home........

Tom seemed so relaxed when we left..... he didn't say one bad thing about my driving....... hmmmm who's this stranger sitting next to me....... I kind of like this guy... reminds me of this fella I use to know...... dare I hope for a good day together....

It was better than that..... the PUP's were perfectly quiet..... guess that proves they are only bad when the four are together..... : )  

 

we got a few birds but what was better than that is the woods was florescent in color, breathtaking......

 

I suggested we walk as we use to walk for miles on this road when we were young and foolish...... but that brought on a disgruntle, absolutely not, no way in hell, N O !

I didn't bring up that W word again as I didn't want to ruin our day with such an out of the question idea like .... let's walk.....exercise?

Tom's meds are clearly working for him...... as I breath a sigh of relief..... and I thank GOD for everyday we get ....... it's funny how easy it is to accept and adapt to the broken-ness of his mind after you've gone a bout with the anger and rage......

And last night just before we fell asleep... Tom whispered..... "I talked to God a long time last night...."
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10/3/10

The ups and downs of this disease is quite trying on one particular care giver.... Yes... me.  I get close to saying "I CAN"T DO IT ANYMORE!

Then Gods says... yes you can!   I say I don't want to.... God says you have to... I chose YOU because this is the job I readied you for.... Tom is a difficult child but he is a child of mine and I need you to see him through this.....

Yesterday I went for a walk in the woods because I had reached a point ...... one in which I needed to walk away...... Tom seen me leave... and I left the girls in the house as I really needed to be alone.... 

I returned three hours later to a hysterical TOM who had rounded up a posse to go in search of me.....

This is the conversation between my daughter and me the next morning.... texting.

U ok?....... YUP!  : )........ Tom freaked out:-§....... I know....... Its hard 2 escape 4 awhile when u r on a short chain!......... Yupppp!!!!!........ Remember when i tried 2 put dusty (cat) on a string?.......... No.. how did that turn out?.......... Gag! Choke! Gasp! Cough! The more she pulled the tighter it got. She looked epileptic. Never did that again!......... ha ha ha...Toms awake... gotta go.

My 9 year old Granddaughter called..... "Gramma are you okay?'......."I'm fine sweetie"......."where did you go?"....  just for a walk in the woods"..... "You scared Grampa really really bad.".... "I know, I didn't mean too"..... "you shouldn't do that, he was really scared."

Tom suffered ultimately for the emotional turmoil I put him through... though unintentional I feel bad.....  especially after I heard his interpretation of what took place.....  It didn't match mine.

Tom trusts me like a parent / child relationship....... To him I am a ROCK... I know all and can do anything, in his mind.   I am someone with strong sound morals.... will give my all to protect my children (him & the girls ) and he loves and trust his MOM like any small child would.   This is our emotional relationship...

In reality Tom  knows I'm his wife, the love of his life, soul mate...... but mentally he can't function as a husband, the other half of us....... so we slowly worked into this Mom / child relationship adding the girls as more kids...... this works for us.  We live in the woods and interact with others when and with whom we choose?

Tom suffers from unbearable pains that SHOOT through a specific part of his leg like lightening bolts...... every few minutes one shoots through crippling him...  After YEARS of trying to find the cause / source...... it appears it's triggered in the brain.   Is STRESS / FEAR  the trigger?

By now you should be able to put together the rest of the story....... The specifics are not important....

I just can't stop thinking about what a long, slow, destructive, life changing, cruel, unfair, tormenting, gut wrenching, heart breaking, lonely disease this is.......  am I going to make it?

TRAP DYING?

This BOY is going to be difficult... I can just tell.....

He won't go for a walk on a nice day SOOOOO  I suggested he re-dye his traps with the old faithful "SPEED DIP" .......... the boil method from his past didn't work.  With Speed Dip you mix gas and this tar looking stuff then dip & hang to dry.....

"OKAY.... I guess I can do that......." he says sounding none to enthusiastic.  "I could just do it on the deck of the shack......."   "NOT!!!!   You (I) don't want that stuff all over the deck to walk in and track it into the house and shack....."

I already had done some preplanning and had the spot and poles already set up.....
He okay-ed it and then instructed me to get his traps and......????  I thought this was a good project for HIM.  I was going tooooo...... oh yah... help him dye his traps.... What was I thinking.... who would do everything for him while he grumbled out his instructions.... 

So he took a wire and bent a hook in it.... he carefully dipped one trap at a time..... I took the trap with my gloved fingers and unhooked the pole from the tree and slid the trap on and hung the pole back to go get my next trap as he was impatiently waiting for me??????  

Guess I'm getting slow in my old age....... "what takes you so long... geeze!!!!"  We made it through about 3 dozen traps...... and I resisted dunking his head in the dip.... I have to admit that the thought crossed my mind but he was at a disadvantage kneeling in front of the tub and gravity in my favor..... hee hee.......

After he washed the dip off his "hands" with gas he turned and looked at me....... "MOM?...... how did you get so full of that stuff?"  I seen a smirk on his face and a twinkle in his eye when he said that looking at me.  I looked down at my cloths and his observation was dead on.... I was covered in that stuff...... than at a glance at his cloths.... he was not........???

I should have dunked him!  LOL

Fat Boy Dieting ?

I decided I needed to put my unmotivated "Fat Boy" on a diet..... All he talks about is how he needs to lose weight and I won't quit cooking food he can't resist.  I cook healthy and HE ADDS tons of butter & bread......?

And the guy won't go for a walk to save his soul????? He thinks starving is the only way to lose weight and I keep telling him he can starve all he wants BUT if he doesn't get his butt moving he won't lose anything.

SO I charged into the bed room yesterday morn after he woke from his morning nap (goes back to sleep till 10:00 A M after his morning coffee in bed) and told him ... "Okay big boy... enough is enough.... WE are on a diet (my way) as of right now....The bread &butter is gone..... you are limited to a SMALL amount of coffee creamer a day and you WILL go for a walk OR get your butt on the tread mill EVERYDAY!"

He burst out laughing..."Mom? what got into you?" ..... "I decided today was THE DAY!  It's suppose to be nice all week so it's a good time to get into a routine." I replied. "Mom... your funny" is what he had to say to that.

Yah... I know his brain is broken BUT sometimes if I make a game out of something he'll go along with it......

He struggled through yesterday..... he did the tread mill for 25 minutes....

 I raked leaves...... I came to the open window where he sat and watched me and said "Hey Tom... there's another rake." inviting him to join me like the old days before AD...... "OH YAH?" he replied like it was an exciting idea to him and than he got that silly look in his eyes and said "why don't you put one in each hand and than you can rake twice as much leaves." lol  "You big shit" I replied and laughed with him.