Oh what a perfectly beautiful day......
I convinced Tom we should go road hunting.... He started rattling off a list of reasons NOT to..... which I squashed as they stumbled from his mouth as they were all lame excuses in my book........
We left Lilly and Maggie home as they are older and lazy..... so would be fine laying around the house all day together......
We took the two energetic PUPS with as Emily barks from the time we leave the house till we enter again and Sarah ?????
I convinced Tom we should go road hunting.... He started rattling off a list of reasons NOT to..... which I squashed as they stumbled from his mouth as they were all lame excuses in my book........
We left Lilly and Maggie home as they are older and lazy..... so would be fine laying around the house all day together......
We took the two energetic PUPS with as Emily barks from the time we leave the house till we enter again and Sarah ?????
Nope not leaving her home........
Tom seemed so relaxed when we left..... he didn't say one bad thing about my driving....... hmmmm who's this stranger sitting next to me....... I kind of like this guy... reminds me of this fella I use to know...... dare I hope for a good day together....
It was better than that..... the PUP's were perfectly quiet..... guess that proves they are only bad when the four are together..... : )
Tom seemed so relaxed when we left..... he didn't say one bad thing about my driving....... hmmmm who's this stranger sitting next to me....... I kind of like this guy... reminds me of this fella I use to know...... dare I hope for a good day together....
It was better than that..... the PUP's were perfectly quiet..... guess that proves they are only bad when the four are together..... : )
we got a few birds but what was better than that is the woods was florescent in color, breathtaking......
I suggested we walk as we use to walk for miles on this road when we were young and foolish...... but that brought on a disgruntle, absolutely not, no way in hell, N O !
Tom's meds are clearly working for him...... as I breath a sigh of relief..... and I thank GOD for everyday we get ....... it's funny how easy it is to accept and adapt to the broken-ness of his mind after you've gone a bout with the anger and rage......
And last night just before we fell asleep... Tom whispered..... "I talked to God a long time last night...."
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10/3/10
The ups and downs of this disease is quite trying on one particular care giver.... Yes... me. I get close to saying "I CAN"T DO IT ANYMORE!
Then Gods says... yes you can! I say I don't want to.... God says you have to... I chose YOU because this is the job I readied you for.... Tom is a difficult child but he is a child of mine and I need you to see him through this.....
Yesterday I went for a walk in the woods because I had reached a point ...... one in which I needed to walk away...... Tom seen me leave... and I left the girls in the house as I really needed to be alone....
I returned three hours later to a hysterical TOM who had rounded up a posse to go in search of me.....
This is the conversation between my daughter and me the next morning.... texting.
U ok?....... YUP! : )........ Tom freaked out:-§....... I know....... Its hard 2 escape 4 awhile when u r on a short chain!......... Yupppp!!!!!........ Remember when i tried 2 put dusty (cat) on a string?.......... No.. how did that turn out?.......... Gag! Choke! Gasp! Cough! The more she pulled the tighter it got. She looked epileptic. Never did that again!......... ha ha ha...Toms awake... gotta go.
My 9 year old Granddaughter called..... "Gramma are you okay?'......."I'm fine sweetie"......."where did you go?".... just for a walk in the woods"..... "You scared Grampa really really bad.".... "I know, I didn't mean too"..... "you shouldn't do that, he was really scared."
Tom suffered ultimately for the emotional turmoil I put him through... though unintentional I feel bad..... especially after I heard his interpretation of what took place..... It didn't match mine.
Tom trusts me like a parent / child relationship....... To him I am a ROCK... I know all and can do anything, in his mind. I am someone with strong sound morals.... will give my all to protect my children (him & the girls ) and he loves and trust his MOM like any small child would. This is our emotional relationship...
In reality Tom knows I'm his wife, the love of his life, soul mate...... but mentally he can't function as a husband, the other half of us....... so we slowly worked into this Mom / child relationship adding the girls as more kids...... this works for us. We live in the woods and interact with others when and with whom we choose?
Tom suffers from unbearable pains that SHOOT through a specific part of his leg like lightening bolts...... every few minutes one shoots through crippling him... After YEARS of trying to find the cause / source...... it appears it's triggered in the brain. Is STRESS / FEAR the trigger?
By now you should be able to put together the rest of the story....... The specifics are not important....
I just can't stop thinking about what a long, slow, destructive, life changing, cruel, unfair, tormenting, gut wrenching, heart breaking, lonely disease this is....... am I going to make it?
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