June Cleaver?

This morning when we slowly emerged from bed I decided to make homemade, blueberry, buttermilk pancakes, with home made strawberry jam. I had to put my June Cleaver apron on for this. We'll skip the picture here and let your imagination run with it. : )

Tom sat at the table, squirming in his chair, with one of the girls on each side of him. It's a given they'll make out good and they know it. As soon as two pancakes were done, they were on his plate and he was eagerly fixing them up. A pound of butter, a cup of jam, between two pancakes. I said, "I'll make the girls each one. They can't have all the butter and jam." After all, he announced yesterday that Maggie was on a diet.

Tom and the girls all finished the first round about the same time. Tom was diving in for another round. He told the girls he'd fix them another one. I said "no, that's enough for now." He whispered, "I'll give you some of mine. " I heard that! But I didn't let on. I was peeking as he would cut a rectangle piece of pancake. Put a gob of jelly on it, fold it over into a square, top it with a gob of butter, and devour. He fixed the girls their share like that too. At one point I heard, "Come on you guys, I want some too!"

So I decided they were all really hungry or they were enjoying it that much. : )

Blazing Trails

We have had frost this past week and the trees are changing color. So fall is here and bird hunting season is open. I don't think we will have the colors like we did last year as the leaves are already falling.

Tom has gone out scouting for birds a few times but the foliage is still too thick. Last evening he went for one of his (I'm feeling restless) 4-wheeler rides. Wouldn't you know he seen two coveys of partridge and no gun. He was able to laugh about it. There are plenty of birds around, so maybe this coming week we will be enjoying them on the table. I bone them, cut them into chunks, season and bread them and deep fry. Mmmmmmmm.

All summer Tom was expanding his lawn mowing to where brush hogs should go "cautiously ". He has an 1810 (older) model riding lawn mower/ brush hog. When he hits a stump, or big rock or (?), one or both blades just fall off. Last year we went through two sets of blades but this year he has mastered the art of adjusting the deck with the terrain as he is mowing. So we only used one set this year. But "Old Betsy" was retired for the year. Deer hunting season coming on now and things to do to prepare for that.

With the tree fort, oops, I mean "deer stand" now completed, we cleared a runway and started making trails through the woods. It's a fun project. Tom leads with the chain saw and I trail a safe distance behind cleaning up the "path". (I didn't want to say trail again : ) The girls love it when we are all out and about together. They scurry around, sniffing here and sniffing there, than back to check on us and off they go again.

Okay so sometimes we have to holler for them but they always come. Lilly has surprised us as we thought she'd take off on a scent and not see her till she decided to come back, but she came every time we called AND I'm not the most graceful person in the world, so I kind of fell into the brush pile and Lilly came and jumped on top of me licking me to death. I don't think Tom seen that graceful move because he didn't tease me about it and he never passes up an opportunity to tease.

I love walking through the woods and had always hoped he'd decide that it would be a cool thing to do. I'm all for making trails everywhere. He never had the desire before because there are endless trails available to us but with Lilly, all of us going is not an option and slowly Tom's world is shrinking to the confinement of "our woods." Years ago I told him we were like a "Pair of Shoes" where one goes the other one follows. That hasn't changed.............

BLESSINGS FROM ABOVE

This spring Tom wanted to get a baby deer. He managed to make all the right contacts and could have got one, except that he needed to build an 10 foot fence around a 1 acre area and build a proper shelter for it. It all had to be inspected and approved to get a license to have the deer. All that's good and fine except, that all costs money : )

As Tom reminisced about Spike a deer they raise when he was a boy and all the trouble him and Spike would get into, I realized he was just looking for that feeling the memories brought to him. Hence we got Silly Lilly bringing the same joy and feelings as Spike brought when he was a boy. And I might add I was feeling a little panic-y when he was making all the right contacts and talking about the deer being in the house and sleeping in our bed. : ) I have learned NOT to react and some how things usually work themselves out. Thank you Lord for intervening in that one. "Whew!"

So than Tom wanted ducks too. "Mallards" We have timber wolves out here so you don't want any penned up animals. I keep telling Tom that the Good Lord will bless us with the animals from the wild and we don't need to pen them up. Wouldn't you know, we were blessed not only with a pair of Mallards but also two pairs of Wood Ducks and kept our little pond full of water for them all summer. Usually that pond dries up first thing in the spring after run off. They all stayed till late summer and than the pond dried up .

Tom watches the animal rescues on "animal planet". Now he wants to be a foster home for animals. OH BOY! I tell him Lilly and Maggie would object and I'm thinking, I have my hands full with those "Three Clowns" already. : )

I Think There Is a Conspiracy Around Here!

We seemed to have developed a routine around here that I'm not too sure I'm happy about. It's a given the girls have Tom wrapped around their paws and all three have "MOM" here wrapped........

Well, here's the story:

Just before we got Lilly, Tom decided that Mag had to sleep with us all night because she wanted to. She use to lay with us till we turned the TV off. Than that was her cue to get down. But as she noticed a change in Tom, she wants to be beside him all night. It bugged him waking up at night and she is sitting there looking at him. So he let her on the bed, she'd stretch out and we'd both be hanging out the sides.

So Tom's solution was to add on to our queen bed. We added a twin. So when the TV went off she had to move over to her part of the bed. But at night she would slowly creep to our side, trying to get close to Tom and I'd get squished like a sandwich. And nobody was on the add- on bed.

Than came Lilly. She was barely 5 weeks old. Our solution for her was just put her in our bed too. So she slept on my pillow with me. She'd wake up and cry and I'd get up , put her out side, she went pee, we went back to bed , and so on...all night. As she got bigger she still stayed at the top of the bed roaming from one pillow to another. Many times I'd wake to a fur halo over my head or Tom would have a fur collar.

But than she got really big. She roamed and flopped all over the bed all night. But to this day has never gotten down unless I get up. But this drives Maggie crazy. So Mom sleeps with Lilly on the add-on bed and Mag sleeps by her dad. If I try to sleep by him, Mag gets down and cries and whines till I move over and let her have the spot by him. I give up. "Can't we all just get along?" : )

So now the new routine they have started.

At around seven or so, like clock work. Lilly starts flopping all over me. Flop, stretch, yawn...... Than she "sneezes." Mag lifts her head. Lilly sees Mag lift her head and Lilly gets up, stretches. Mag jumps down off the bed, Lilly licks my face, steps over or on top of me to get over to her dad, Really gives him the wake up kisses and hugs. He goes off like a siren.......LLLLLILLLLY..... ................. MOM!!!!! ................ I get up because it's the only way Lilly will let up on Tom, and he won't stop hollering till she quits.

Sooooo why am I up? Maggie goes to the kitchen and lays down, and looks at me like what's for breakfast MOM? I do let Lilly out to go pee and than she crawls back in bed with her Dad and Dad get's coffee in bed.

Hmmmmm and he giggled when I read this to him. I think I've been had. : )

Thank You!

.... it is possible and ultimately desirable to accept life's limitations
while enjoying the mental and emotional freedom that comes from
noticing the beauty inherent in every present moment. That no
matter how bad things get there is always something in the
present moment that makes life worth living and that it is my task
to learn to spend more time noticing those things than I do
lamenting the losses of the past and the worries of the future.
Author Unknown


I found this quote on the internet and it so eloquently put my feelings into words that I do not have the vocabulary for. I put it on my desk top and read it every day. I'd like to share it with you. Unfortunately I didn't copy the author. So not to take claim of these words as my own I
will put "Author Unknown"

"REALITY"

" REALITY " That word brings a smile to my face. I'll tell you why.

I bought Tom a new pair of suspenders as his are going to heck. When I gave them to him he said "these are for you." He put them on me and adjusted them and proudly said "there, your like me" I wore them that day and than ditched them.

Well I told my #3 daughter about it as I thought she'd laugh with me. I don't particularly like wearing my pants pulled up north. She became upset. I mean UPSET. She is seeing Tom's reality changing and fears for me not being able to separate the real world from his. And she's upset about the isolation that is starting to take place because of this disease. And she is scared, as she sees someone she loves, change into someone she doesn't know. And she's afraid for her MOM's safety as Tom looses touch with reality...............

My #2 daughter who also loves Tom to death, is afraid that I'm making our life look like all "fun and games" and NOT telling about the reality of it. She respects my choices, keeps check on "my sense of reality" and helps out more than she should have too, as she works a full time job and is raising two boys. Well she and her two boys, unfortunately witnessed a rage. It traumatized the boys, as that wasn't the Grampa they knew.

I might add at this point that my #1 daughter who lives a distance away, also participates in help and support. I could not do this on my own. Beyond my four children and their significant others,we also have other family members doing what they can to help. I can't thank everyone enough for all that they do. This disease effects everyone of them in a very direct way. Alzheimer's shows no mercy. When Tom asks "How are we making it?" I smile and say "We have angels around us"

I might also add since I'm speaking out so bluntly. EOAD effects millions of people. I didn't even know young people got it till Tom was diagnosed. I could not believe my ears. I had to research and educate myself on this disease. Out of three different specialists and one GP.....One of them, told us the diagnosis and sent us home. WHAT THE HECK? Well I found I wasn't alone. This is the norm with millions of people. Thank God for the internet where people have been able to come together and help each other deal with this devastating disease.

Basically as far as resources for help, this is IT. You can get SSD. Your significant other or someone who loves you enough to give up a paying job to live with you, care for you, live in your reality with you, deal with the dark side of Alz. and eventually live an isolated life with you (with no gov. funding for the caregiver) till you reach a point where physical care is more than the caregiver can physically handle, than nursing home placement is available, but they don't accept patients that show aggressive behavior. Or if you are able to keep them home at that point medicare pays for some in home help with that and hospice help for the end. And they pay for re-sprite. Good Luck with that. So as I step off my soap box....

Welcome to "OUR WORLD" where "Alz-heimers" lives ....................

I have nothing but respect for the person Tom use to be. He still is that person and always will be even though Alz. slowly reverts him back from where he originated. As a baby feels love and security from their mother so does the alz. patient. So one day he may not recognize me as his wife, the love of his life or his shadow stepping on his heals.....He'll still know ME . " I will love him always and forever"

I choose to write about the positive endings of our days because that is what Tom and I share with each other at the end of the day. He asks how he was and I tell him great. Sometimes he knows he wasn't great and feels bad. But what he doesn't know, I don't tell him. I have CHOSEN to live in HIS reality as that's the only world he knows because of this disease. By me living in HIS WORLD, he feels normal on a regular basis therefore doesn't have to think about the disease and how it's affecting him or us and as a result we can keep on loving and living and in the woods, our animal friends don't care.

Travis To The Rescue!

Tom's 4-wheeler has been down for a week. That is a big deal because he gets restless but doesn't like being around people and just plain does not like to leave our woods. I cringe at the thought of having to take him ANYWHERE away from here. So when he feels restless he just goes for a ride down the road on the 4 -wheeler. We have woods roads, logging roads, snow mobile trails, and hunting trails, all right here. It gives him a sense of freedom and the woods IS his "home".

So my wonderful mechanic son "Travis" came to our rescue this morning and had the 4 wheeler fixed and he was back on the road for his 2 hour drive home by 10:00 A.M. Travis often puts others before himself. He recently saved a boy from drowning and drowned himself. But the good lord wasn't done with him here yet, and gave him back to us. His only concern was if the little boy was okay. He is still recovering but came to our rescue anyway. I thank him from the bottom of my heart. I am so PROUD of him.

Tom helped Trav as much as he could.......By NOT taking it apart before he came to fix it. Everyday I had to tell him to wait for Trav. After he seen how complicated it was he said " good thing you made me wait." with a chuckle.

As soon as Travis left, Tom went for a ride in the woods. I knew he'd want to go alone so I asked if I could go with. He asked if I'd wait and he'd take me later but I could pick up all his tools and mess. I laughed and said sure. (There is two tool boxes and are heavy to carry.) Than just before he left he came in and said he picked up the tools. I just had to bring them in. "You gotta love this guy!" I DO!

Foggy Morn'

It was foggy this morning when I got up. I sat on the deck with my coffee while Tom and the girls slept in. It was so peaceful and quiet.

Some of you know that Tom suffers from chronic leg pains. He had gone through every test the doctors could think of to find the source to no avail. No pain medication seemed to touch it. Finally a Dr. gave him a medication used for obsessive/ compulsive disorder and also used for this type of pain. It reduce the frequency of these pains and the severity when he did get them. This has worked for two years.

Well for some reason it recently quit working. He has been suffering all week. Nothing helps. They let up for a few hours or part of the day and than it starts again. He hasn't had them for most of the day today, so hopefully that's it for awhile.

Introducing our girls, "Maggie and Lilly."

Maggie is 4 years old. Black Lab and Chesapeake. She is loyal, well mannered, loves to swim, hunt and ride on the 4 wheeler. She watches over Tom and knows when things aren't right with him. At those times she doesn't leave his side. She's an amazingly smart dog. Her and Tom are inseparable and I never worry about Tom when Mag is with him. If something happened she'd figure out what to do.

We got Lilly because Maggie was too good. Tom thought he'd like to train another dog for something to do. Maggie was perfect. Well Lilly is anyones guess what breed she is. She is 8 months old. She is silly in nature and has brought a lot of laughter into our home. She hasn't had the training Mag has had. She's so loving and silly, we love her just the way she is. So we just let Lilly be Lilly.

The girls get along great. Mag wasn't too sure at first but now they are loving sisters. They have Tom completely rapped around their paws. They are all spoiled rotten. And believe me the "three" of them have me going in circles. : )

Mmmmmm.........Blueberry Pie!

FAMILY so generously gave us blueberries this year. It was a great season for them. Last year was good too as Tom and I picked quite a few. This year he wasn't up to going. Kel brought a blueberry plant full of berries for him to pick. She said, " if you can't get Tom to the blueberry patch than I'll bring the patch to him."
Tom thought that was pretty funny.


It's so nice in the middle of winter to throw a blueberry pie in the oven and eat it warm with a scoop of ice cream or two or three...........Okay, but we share with our girls. : ) Tom's the sucker and they get about half of everything he eats. I figure they get enough from him so they don't get as much out of me. Well....sometimes they do.

 I've been hoarding the blueberries for winter but Tom was craving a pie, so I broke down and made one last night. The girls laid at my feet as I made it. When I took it out of the oven and set it out on the deck to cool, they laid by the patio door to make sure none of our outside friends ate it. I could hear the sound of " Mmmmm smells good" coming from the other room as it baked. Finally the moment came. It was worth waiting for.

Introduction To My Blog (10/5/2013)

INTRODUCTION

Meeting Tom was not by chance.  There was a higher power at work.  As God can see our future he knew what he was doing and in hind sight well planned out.  Twenty two years ago I was on my knees in prayer asking God for help and today I go on bended knee thanking the Lord for every minute of everyday I shared with the man he put in my life.

We lived in Colorado for ten years.  By 2002 Tom had developed some major personality changes that became concerning to me.  So out of character for him.  

We had bought some land back home in Minnesota,  sight unseen.  We had a shell of a house built while still in Colorado.  We were going home on vacation in October to our "cabin in the woods".  We stayed.  We made a trip back to Colorado to gather our belongings, said good bye to friends and made our last trek home.

Between 2002 and 2006 we cleared land, finished the inside of our home, fished, hunted, trapped..... but Tom wouldn't get a job ( he was a work alcoholic ) He quit doing house work ( he was a fanatic about cleaning ) he was getting confused when cooking ( he was a great cook )  He worked in the woods logging one winter ( was fired because he was disgruntle ) I worked at a resort (he kept calling for me to come home ) The last straw?  I asked him to check the antifreeze in the car.  He had no clue how to do it.

An MRI of the brain showed significant shrinkage in the frontal lobe.  But I had no idea what all this meant.  Tom was 50 years old.  I just knew he couldn't work and didn't want me away from him.

I called Social Security Disability.  I did the telephone interview after an attempt with Tom who didn't understand the simple questions being asked.  That was  followed a month later by a three hour testing by a psychiatrist employed by them.  Within three months Tom was on SSD with the diagnosis of Early Onset Alzheimer.  I said WHAT?

We filed bankruptcy, our children secured our home which was foreclosed on, so we could stay there, in "our little cabin in the woods." and our journey began.

Thank God for the internet,  It opened the door to all kinds of information on this disease.  I read and researched all I could find. I tried different techniques of handling situations but nothing worked.  Taking control was NOT happening.... denial big time that he had this disease,  All I can say is OH BOY!  

I turned to God.... instead of trying to control Tom and the disease that  dwelled within him, I put myself in Tom's place.  I joined him in his world.  I simplified and de-cluttered our space.  I freed him of the guilt he felt over not wanting to do anything, leaving everything up to me.  I convinced him that I wanted to be with him all the time too because I worried about him being alone. Tom was always right, I never argued, let go of the little things and understood quickly that his ability to reason was broke.  Over time I was able to make him understand that the disease is making him that way and in my eyes he will always be my knight in shining armor.

We still had a life to live. Together.  Just different than what we had thought earlier in our relationship.  By us both accepting what is,  we lived, we loved, we laughed, we cried.... and didn't look at the things we couldn't do but all that we still could.

Hence... we began "our life in the woods."

Tree Fort or Deer Stand?  (9/8/08)

Tom and I are always doing something. Our latest project was this deer stand out of logs. We cut the trees on our property, peeled them and put them up. It's 6x6 inside, sealed with spray foam between the logs. It now has a roof and sliding windows. The stairs and little deck was added after Tom decided he just plain like spending time out there. We run electricity to it for lights and heat.

OKAY...... the deer stand is in our yard, not far from the house. We haven't hunted here in the past as I always named the deer that came in. But this year I have refrained from getting attached to them as we decided it was best to just stay here and hunt. In the past we have stayed with Kel and Jason ( daughter & husband) and hunted with them. But with Lilly joining our family, it would be too imposing on them.

I was asked why not just shoot a deer from the house. But #1. it's just not sportsman like. And #2. If he did shoot a big buck you don't want to say I shot it from my house. You want to tell how you got up before dawn and walked to the deer stand............