Welcome Back......

Tom is now on medication that erases the demons from his mind.  He is now sleeping at night, no dreams or nightmares, and has found his "happy-ness" that he had lost.......

Tom emerged from the bedroom.  He looked different.  There was a huge smile on his face.  He had a look in his eyes I haven't seen for quite some time..... His eyes said "I Love You" once again.......

I said, "Tom!... hi!... welcome back!.... I've missed you!..... give me a hug!"

He laughed, he smiled, he gave me a big bear hug...... and said "it feels good to be back"......

He got down on the floor and greeted the girls like he hasn't seen them in a while. They were all over him like bees on honey.  lol

After he took his pills and drank his coffee he said.."Mom, lets all go for a ride in the woods."   Now you want to see a shocked facial expression..... I had one going on.   "For Real?" slipped out of my mouth as I was trying to process this. "Yeah and I'll grill something on the grill when we get home."

Now I know he means those words BUT good mood does not = cooking of any kind around here unless it's MOM at the other end of the spatula. : )

This ride was different than the last.  He pointed out things to me including partridge tracks,  a deer stand way in the tree tops, your chair" he says.

WHAT? ..... in the snow bank, on the edge of the trail, was an old rocking

chair.

We laughed, we played, we had fun....... Tom found his "Happy" again.
****************************************************

Tom had his first real bad episode of anger and rage that was "different" from when he just gets really mad....

This episode was slow simmering under the surface for at least  week... Tom wasn't sleeping day or night.... he was having headaches ...... he was irritable... there was nothing right with the world.....he was confused..... and making impossible...unreasonable.... out to lunch.... crazy... demands......

I did all I could to redirect and finally just said no...can't....won't....and that's when all hell broke loose.......... I was face to face with the devil himself..... I didn't know if I should head for the hills........ stop, drop and roll......... call 911?  I ended up calling "'my people"  who came out and together we were able to get things under control.....

Next day with the help of "my people" I was able to get a prescription for "risperdal" an anti psychotic they use to calm the beast when that part of the brain is under attack.  It also helps him to sleep.

Thanks to the amazing people on the Alzheimer's forums,  I recognized what was going on and what I needed to do.  Fast action by "my people" and the help of the wonderful people on the forums convincing Tom to take the medication we have "tamed the beast"...... for now.

In the beginning of the journey I learned "Acceptance" was the first hurdle to clear..... with time I am finding out education and preparation  is #2 .......(a plan)

This episode could have turned out bad if I had not been aware of what was going on and how to react and the solution as this does not go away by itself.... It requires drug intervention.

Rainbow Bridge

Tom loves all his girls (dogs) ........ But  "Maggie" is special.... she is to everybody.  Tom loves her so much that he wants her ashes buried with him......

It kills him to think of the day she won't be with us........ He found this today on the trapper forum...He wanted me to copy and keep it.... So I decided to share it with all of you.

>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.                           

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....          

Author unknown...

Moving On........

I got my job back.... whew!......people these days expect too much out of there caregivers for what the pay is....... lol'

And I better put an end to the rumor about the little "trapper chick"  He said, "you have to be nutz to think I'd trade an "old beaver skinner" like you away for a "young wanna be trapper chick"........ I may have Alzheimer's but I'm not Crazy!"   That made me feel a whole lot better.  lol

So I better hone up my skinnin' knives as he is going to build me a special skinnin' table that should make my job easier and faster.......

The beaver lays in a trough so it can't get away on you while your skinnin' it......" and you can make it a comfortable chair height too......" he says.  I was waiting for him to spit after that comment.  

I'm going to request a recliner for my chair but I don't know if that's going to fly past the "BOSS" ?

New Phase

I have to protest here.... I think there should be a law or something that keeps someone from firing a perfectly good caregiver..... It's hard to be "good" at this job and this just added insult to injury when Tom fired me today and said he'd find a replacement.....he didn't need me.....

I said, "Well" (with an attitude) " that's just fine but until my replacement comes to take over I will continue to be as good of a caregiver I can be and continue to do all the things I do now."   I said, "your stuck with me until than buddy boy!"

He said, "well mark my words...on the first of the month I am moving out to the shack...in fact I can move my shack over to Ryan's (neighbor) and live in it just fine by myself."

I just knew he found himself a "little trapper lady" to replace me..... on that trapper forum he is always on....... lol  I asked him last night and he said..."MOM.... quit it...... I did not".....

Even before Alz.... Tom and the word NO did not go together... I learned early on  how to get the same thing across with out using that word.  I give Tom as much freedom of choice as I can as he is losing control over his life.

Well day after day after day after day........  the same issue kept coming up and I tried every tactic in the book to defuse this issue.... but it was always temporary.  This is what they call an "obsession"..... and talk about the reason button broken.....

So today I just plain and simple said ....... N O !   Thats why he fired me as his caregiver. 

Now they get really mad and oh boy....... but I always tease about losing my job if I don't keep him happy and he always laughs and says..."Mom you never have to worry about that...I'll keep you forever......You take really good care of me" .......

That worked in my favor today because he had that to use when he got that mad.....
The obsession in there mind is totally consuming....... He can calm himself for awhile....but it slowly creeps back in and eats away at him till he once again explodes.......

I think I'm in the beginning of a new phase....... I'm seeing some long term memory issues too.... they are small and temporary as with a reminder you get the oh yah!
But they are beginning to happen none the less.

To those who still think there is nothing wrong with him............"he sounds fine to me!"   I invite you to come stay with him for a few days so I can go see my new Grand Baby who doesn't know me or so I can go spend some time with my Mother who won't be around when this is over...........

It breaks my heart to see him like this..... it's even causing him physical pain.....the head aches are relentless and the anxiety brings him to tears........... and he doesn't understand "WHY?"

 

The Lonely Walk.....

On nice days Tom takes Emily and Lilly for a long run.....he rides......the 4-wheeler.  When they leave Maggie and Sarah are unhappy. Sometimes he gives in and lets Mag ride on the 4-wheeler with him....... BUT she's so heavy ......

Well today we ALL went.  Yes!   I finally got to go for a ride in the woods....  I dressed to go for a walk.  I told him just a few minutes earlier I was going.... I slipped out the door and left the girls with him......" Aren't you taking the girls..." he hollers out the door.   "Not on the ROAD!"  I yell back.
 

I SO knew what that meant.  The girls were having a fit and he couldn't deal with it.

I walked back to the house and let them out.  They about trampled me.... but I quickly jumped to the side of the door.  Good thing I have cat like reflexes.... quick on my feet.... : /
 

I walked the girls almost to the county road and back.  As I approached the house, Tom was cranking up the 4-wheeler....... He pulled up next to me and asked if I'd like to go for a ride in the woods? 

 We took all four girls and just went slow so they could play....... They ran and played and sniffed.... Sarah was loving it as she got to be with her big sisters.......

 As we drove along on the 4-wheeler I realized Tom was in his own world....He stopped at a fork in the road and we walked.  The girls ran ahead except for Mag....she walks at Tom's side.  

                     It was a beautiful day.......

Does my post sound or feel empty?  Something so terribly missing?  After all, it was a beautiful, warm, sun shinny day......... We were all together, in the woods, where we all love to be.......

I am only a shadow.......

This is only a small part of what Alzheimer's claims............The "WE" of what we once were......  And he doesn't even know....

TUBBY - TIME

 I was SURE after this week end was over, if we made it through with out an incident, we were in for some big down time...... I prayed and prepared myself.... dreading day light.

Tom slept till 10:30.......the girls woke him up......here we go I thought to myself..........

You ALL are getting a bath today he said!"  "Me too?" I replied.  He smiled to let me know he caught that but quickly returned to a serious tone of voice....."I thought about it last night and made up my mind that I was giving them a bath."

Before I knew it Sarah was in the tub and out again.....

 

 she loved it and wanted to go back in..... Tom drank some of his coffee and a few puffs off his cigarette and off he went to the bathroom now dragging Emily who had all four feet braced not willing to go easily.....

 

 That one went pretty well also once he got her in the tub as Tom didn't holler for my help.  I made sure he had dry towels with each dog.........
 

'Which one should I do next Mom?  Tom asked as he puffed on his cigarette and drank some more of his morning coffee.  "Those two weren't bad but the next two will probably object a little more."  I'd do Maggie last as you'll probably get the teeth from her........" I replied.

Next thing I knew Lilly was dragging her feet as Tom was pull her into the bathroom by her collar.  She had that "OH SHIT" look on her face as she skated by me.  I decided to give Tom a hand with the last two. 

Once Lilly was in the tub she was fine.........she was in and out in no time too with the both of us scrubbing on her.........

THAN........"THE MAG!"  She was like pulling a stubborn old donkey.  She relented once we hoisted her into the tub. 
 

To my surprise, Tom brushed each of them too.  Thats when Mag gave Tom "the teeth"  She had had enough...... She has gotten so ornery in her old age, stubborn and a mind of her own. 

 The moral of this story is that you cannot predict Alzheimers.......... When you EXPECT a certain reaction it may not be what you get and when you LEAST expect  it, it rears it's ugly head............... You dance this dance on your "tippy toes"

Valintine's Day Week-End

WOW!  What a week end.... Just when I thought Tom wasn't going to give me any more "fun" writing material.... The old boy came through......

I have to back up just far enough to tell you that Tom was told 2 weeks prior to this week end, that he was getting a snow mobile...... That's like a little kid waiting for Christmas....... so I have to say that it was a little touch and go during that time......  my repetitive saying was "the snowmobile isn't here yet!" 

Travis and his family pulled in around 8:00 PM Friday Night............  Tom helped Travis unload  "THE SKI-DOO"and his own "REALLY FAST" >>>>>>>mobile  (Polaris 800) that he brought with.  Tom was given instructions on the Ski-doo which may be a "classic" but is in  great shape and runs great..... Started right off.......Tom took the REALLY FAST>>>>>>>mobile for a spin and said" that's crazy!" 

Before they all left that evening they presented Tom with a "special" helmet.  Tom loved it.......He was going to wear it just like that??????  He thought that was  "SO FUNNY"  We all got a good laugh as I'm sure you all are.

 After they left, Tom buzzed down the drive way and back... "MOM I have a snow mobile...Now you won't never know where I'm at...."  he said as he was coming in out of the cold night.  "I may not come home for days" he joked.

  I said, "Yes you will......I have people who will come find you and bring you home."  He laughed as he knew I was talking about law enforcement.

Our girls (dogs) let us sleep till 8:00 AM.  I was up once during the night to let Emily and Sarah out to go pee...have no idea what time that was....too tired to care.......   I usually don't wake up for that part now....I just do it in sleep mode.
 

I brought Tom his coffee and was just getting mine when I noticed a bunch of people in my yard.  It was Trav and his family and Sandy with her boys... They were playing on the snow hill Tom had the neighbor make for the kids.

Our neighbor "rented" a bob cat to clean the snow build up in his driveway.  Tom asked him to come push up snow into a hill for the kids. I have no idea what kids and when he was talking about but apparently Sandy caught that when I told her so she came up with this little surprise.

 The girls started barking and Tom started hollering and oh boy!!!!!!!  I got Tom to get up and look out the window....He cussed all the way there.  he looked out the window and he smiled and said "well I'll be darned.........look at that would ya!"........  He pulled up a chair and watched the kids play.......

Now I have to tell you these kids were brave getting up that early on Saturday morning and playing in the 15 below morning temps BEFORE breakfast.
 

They brought the makings for breakfast too.  So we got everyone in where it was warm and made a hot breakfast.  

After they all left to do what ever they were doing for the day, Tom got dressed to try out his ski doo.  We were expecting company shortly after noon but he was only going for a spin to see how it runs........

He left somewhere around 11:00 AM........... His sister and husband came out........ NO TOM......So we discussed....... "where oh where could Tommy be?"

Well shortly before 3:00 a soaking wet (from sweat) tired, wore out Tommy Boy walked through the door.  He put his soaking wet bomber hat on the table and said "don't say a word!" 

"Where did you break down at?"  I asked.   "Ohhhh a long ways away from here.  I've been walking for hours,  in these heavy boots and breaking through the crust on the snow".........He was right.  Travis clocked it at 4 miles.

Sunday before Travis and his family headed home, they stopped here so Travis and Tom could retrieve the Ski-Doo.........(carburetor problem)
 

JUST before they left we couldn't find Emily.........

She finally started answering our call.  She was stuck under Tom's Shack......... Trav saved the day there too.  He got her out.  Later Tom said he was going to take his chain saw and shave down the floor plate..........I think he meant where she was wedged in at..........That would not have turned out well.........

At the close of Sunday I cooked up a steak and shrimp diner compliments of Tom's sister and husband...... and we so enjoyed our diner.  After we let that settle I brought the strawberry cheese cake and two forks into the bedroom where Tom was watching the Olympic Games.........of coarse I invited the girls to join us.......

♬Are You Ready For Some Football♬

We went for a ride yesterday...... yes I said "WE" as in ALL of us......... I use to like going for rides... it use to be an enjoyable, relaxing experience........ the girls use to like to go too....... they always got to get out when we got on a logging road and smell new things and run wild and free...........Tom and I would get out and walk around........watch the girls play.......

Yesterday wasn't like that.........and we were all glad too be back home.  His anxiety starts before we leave the driveway and isn't gone till we have been back home for awhile.   He thinks it's ALL of us........causing him to be like that......  : (

The bunk bed has been a plus.  We take turns sleeping up there.  I slept up there last night.  Tom doesn't like that because he can't see me.....he'd rather be up there and than he can look down and see me......I only go up if he's not and all the girls are laying on top of me.......it doesn't get any better as the night goes on so at that point it's him or me....ONE of us has to go!  UP that is!  : )

Tom's been saying" it's been a long winter boy!"   I guess it has been for him....I'm too busy doing everything I don't have time to think about being board in that sense.  Boy this disease sucks......my heart cries for him and I cry for me.....I miss him!

FOOT BALL TODAY!  The BIG game.......SUPER BOWL!!!!!! That's always a big deal..... What we going to eat Mom.....?

He use to like to place  bets with everybody.... He'd put a kitchen chair sideways in front of the TV...Not to sit on but to put one leg on.......so he could lean on his bent leg and wring the towel in his hand.....he'd holler and scream......wipe the sweat from his forehead.......... his hands were clammy.......

He still enjoys it....gets excited and yells....and we eat snacks all day...He asked for home made pizza for today!  I've asked if he wants to invite someone over to yell with him but he says no...he likes it just me and him and the girls.......

I join him....yell when he does...add a few of my own words.....they are usually choice-fully  inappropriate .... it makes him laugh when he catches them.....

I don't know who we are rooting for yet.... I forgot to ask!  OOPS!  Maybe I should stick to making the pizza.  LOL

" ✳✳✳✳✳✳✳✳✳✳"

Tom has been aware from the beginning about "thealzheimerspouse" forum I read on a daily basis......From time to time he asks how everyone is doing.

Today he asked if any one has died since I've been going there.  I replied "yes...... when someone looses a spouse they get a star by there name.  It's an honor as they earned it by seeing there spouse through to the end of their journey."

Tom looked at me and said, "you should get 10 stars when I die"  I hesitated and than replied, "I have to live that long first"  He said with a chuckle, "that's no problem because you're well preserved."  LOL

I'm not sure what he meant by that and I didn't ask.  Some things are best left alone.