Our Live's Ever Changing

I hope everyone had a joyous Christmas.....In our home it was peaceful. That's the goal in a home with Alz. For that I am thankful! Many stopped in for short visits to wish us well for the holidays. That worked well and time was enjoyed by all. It was considered a PERFECT DAY in the world in which we now live.

I'm finding it particularly hard to accept my new life during the Christmas Holidays. On one hand I'm so very grateful that most of "our" family somewhat understand how this ugly disease works and are accommodating so we still can share some time with them.

But I'm feeling this big empty hole inside of me and feel cheated out of this very special time of year. It's the one Holiday I like to get right in the middle of the chaos and hustle and bustle and turn sour faces into smiles and mess with the kids and bake and decorate and lights........... and the Christmas Programs I miss out on...... the Grandchildren so proudly preforming.........And I miss having the mess and noise and chaos in my house Christmas Day............

THAN.........I stop and think.......How selfish of me. TOM loved all these things too. We made quite a team. : ) But those are years gone by and I so miss who we were. Tom remembers back to how it was, the things we've done and enjoys reminiscing. But he doesn't seem to realize that is all missing now in our lives. I guess I do such a good job filling in for him and still doing my part too he doesn't realize the part of him that is gone. He works so hard at being in the present, it takes everything he's got.

This disease just plain stinks......It touches so many people in a very personal way, just by one afflicted person. It's like a thief in the night....as it is stealing the mind of one loved person it is slowly robbing from the life of others. Many are painfully touched by it.

BUT in spite of it all that it has been robbed from us...We must be thankful as we are so blessed by ALL of you that love us and find a way to share a part of you with us. And there are some of you out there, I know, are keeping an eye on us and making sure we are okay. To GOD I say thank you for YOU and to you," special angels" I say a special "thank you" to you too!

GOD BLESS YOU ALL!

The Day After The Storm.....

I believe we got around thirteen inches of snow before the bottom fell out and the sub zero temps with north wind came in. It was so beautiful watching it snow.

But yesterday wasn't so nice as Tom battled the cold and slowly removed all the snow off the driveway and yard. I kept hot coffee in his cup and whipped up some ginger snaps to go with it as he had to come in often to warm up. Brrrr

The girls found it to be too cold to be out helping DAD so they sat in the window and watched him play in the snow by himself. They would get so excited when they seen him head to the house to warm up because they knew that meant cookies in their tummy. : )

As Tom was finishing up with his plowing our neighbor came over with his truck and plow. : ) Tom said that's OK and had him push the snow banks back further, which made some awesome snow banks for the girls too play on. Tom went over and plowed his mail box out in return.

So last night the wind chills were 40 - 50 below and the thermometer said 25 below this am. The girls made a quick trip out of their morning outing to go potty and are happy to be all snuggled back in bed with Dad where it's all toasty warm.

Snow Headed Our Way

I haven't written lately because we had a chain of small events that sent Tom into a tail spin. That always takes a while to get things back to our calm place. A place where things are considered normal, where I'm June Cleaver and he's Beaver and the girls are his buddies...........

Tom's trapping was short lived. As soon as the cold weather came he pulled all his traps. I'm glad as I worry more when it's that cold and he's in the woods somewhere? He got two beaver, one fisher and two martins total. He tells a different story to others but that's what I calculated. ;-)

Today we prepared for the incoming snow storm. We removed the snow from the roof as it sucks when we wait till it's deep. We use a rake and a ladder so nobody is falling off roofs...just the ladder.....hee hee.....yes he did, but landed in a snow bank....and yes I snickered because up until than he was pretty bossy. That chilled him out.

As we were having coffee during one of our breaks I seen on the calendar that it was the 13th.....We have been together 17 years. When I told him he got goose bumps and was all excited. We don't pay much attention to dates any more but when we remember this one it makes him so happy! : )

We particularly remembered when we were raking the roof how the first winter, Travis wasn't much older than Mitch, Tom had Trav help him rake the snow off the roof. Trav was so mad and Tom thought it was funny how mad Travis was. Than Tom had me get the two of them a cup of coffee and Trav chilled out. Did I get it right Trav?

Sanj and the boy's brought us some movies out in case the storm takes out our dish. Sanj helped me get the snow off the shack as Tom removed the snow by the house with the 4-wheeler. The girls had a blast playing with the boys in the snow banks. We haven't heard a peep out of the girls all evening.

So now we wait for the snow..............................

Trapper "TOM"

Look out..........He's got a trappen' line. An old trapper Tom knew years ago stopped by to give Tom a hand with his memory. Set up a "rig" for a beaver so Tom could use it as a guide to follow. He's helping Tom out with his skinning and stretching too. Tom said " I don't remember anymore" ............ The old guy responded " that's old age Tom" ................ They laughed together..........

Tom is so happy. He's been struggling the last two years trying to remember what he use to do so well. Now he can go trap with confidence and ease. It will probably be short lived as the weather is suppose to be bitter cold. But today he's happy........He's TRAPPEN"

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Tom struggles with things he use to know. He looks to me to tell him how. I don't know! So I feel blessed that this old trapper is willing to help him, and the way he relates to Tom....I'm sure that Alzheimer has touch his life in some way. He knew how to communicate with Tom and you only learn that from being there.

Tom sets up his traps in the house as he struggles to even follow an example in front of him. It takes him about an hour to do up one set that took the old trapper less than five minutes. Even after Tom completes one he takes a break before doing another because the second one is like doing the first. His short term memory is gone so he starts all over.

I'm proud of the way he doesn't give up or let it get him down. And he is so pleased when he accomplishes something....on his own. He tells me...."now let me do this myself. I can do it if I take my time."

Yes I have concerns of Tom being out trapping by himself. We've talked about it. But he is so happy doing it and feels self worth when he brings something home. I think it's called living life. He only goes where he can on a 4-wheeler so his area of travel is limited. There is little he can do on his own and not feel afraid or confused and frustrated. The woods is his comfort zone and trapping is something he loves............................So when he walks out the door.........I pray " God please take care of him"............

First Snow

I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving......It was such a beautiful day here in the woods. It snowed pretty much all day. We had our xmas tree lit outside the window. It was a breath taking sight. We got about 4-5 inches.

By noon we were enjoying our thanksgiving meal. I don't make to much variety...It confuses Tom. But as usual he said it was the best I've ever made. He tells me that all the time....I call it job security. : ) The girls enjoyed too.

I did finally get the last deer cut up. I skinned and cut it up the day before thanksgiving. I figured out that Tom was tired of processing deer even though all he did was skin it" in the house" sooo I did it all and he was "HAPPY" Actually I was amazed he helped with three of them..........For that I am grateful!

Yesterday was "Plow The Yard" day.........I wish I was kidding. He plows most of the yard..the ditch both sides and a good quarter mile of the county road if the snow plow hasn't gone and of coarse the dive way.

If you ask him WHY he plows the yard...his answer is " so if we get a lot of snow this winter we will have somewhere to go with it."

Anyone have any idea WHY I don't have any grass on that side of the yard in the spring? Tom says it's because we need some good black dirt hauled in. I suggested maybe it was because with no snow cover.........Tom says "naw, that don't hurt that grass any"

The girls and I chased around the yard and I shoveled around the house till Tom was done plowing. Toms good about doing these things that I can't as long as he sees me putzing around like I'm helping. You know...Like I do the shoveling while he plows with the 4-wheeler and in the summer he does the riding lawnmower while I do the push mower........You have to laugh if you knew the way Tom was......The way I see it.....I don't need to get on the tread mill... ; )

Deer Camp Closed

Deer hunting has come to a close.........Reports out here where we live aren't good. This past week we haven't seen or heard much activity. There has been sightings of timber wolves right next door so that may explain it for us. We've had them strolling through our yard multiple times in the past.

We have all but one deer cut up. The girls eat Tom's jerky faster than he can make it.....That's funny to me because they have their begging performance down pat and it works every time. Next thing you know .....there's no jerky left and Tom's howling that them dirty pigs ate it all and I'm thinking who is the idiot that gave it to them!

When I cut up this last deer I will be sure to cut up extra jerky meat. : )
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Tom use to be a "let's get things done yesterday" kind of guy....Now he is a "maybe tomorrow" kind of guy. So that leaves me " I would just as soon get it done now " kind of girl who has to wait till he says "okay, let's do it now or what do you think? Wait till a nicer day?"

So as of today....I'm still waiting for a nicer day : )

8 Point Buck

Okay now he's gone and done it! Tom shot his buck from the house. YEP! Built the deer stand so he could tell a cool story about how he got the big one and he went and shot it from the house. Now doesn't that just take the cake.

I was cooking super (venison) and Tom was watching a doe strolling around the yard. She was acting weird. She was laying her tail up over the top of her back. So Tom just kept watching behind her. This was going on for about a half hour.

Suddenly Tom said "there's a buck" Oh there goes that weird heavy breathing thing he does when he thinks he sees a rack. I don't know how many times he has done that and it will turn out to be a doe. Drives me nuts! : )

So I started turning off all the burners on the stove so I can see where it goes if he shoots and it runs. But he shot before I could look. Well it didn't matter as there it laid in a big heap, next to the woods. Gosh darn, that thing had a nice rack of horns! Way to go Tom!

So that's the story................His face says it all!

Jerky

Oh Boy..... He's making jerky!!!! That's all well and good. Good pass time, something rewarding to do. We've had a dehydrator in storage. Dug it out, cleaned it up, meat marinated over night in brine.....This is something he wanted to get back into doing for the past five years. Finally the moment has come..........

"Cindy where can I set this up.....How about your shack...... Can't I do it in the house? I'd rather you didn't........Why not? Because it will make the house and everything in it smell like jerky............"

This conversation went no where as it usually does. The dehydrator was set up in the house and life went on...........I've learned from all this that you have to look deep inside your self sometimes and decide...What is really important and what is not.

I said "Okay, but if I go for a walk and get attacked and eaten by a wild animal who thought I was a piece of jerky........your going to wish you did it in the shack " He laughed......Tom's reasoner is broke and mine still works. He gets stuck in his reality and I've learned to join him there. WHY? Because "I" can.

We have had a boat in the middle of the house to work on "because it was too cold outside " His plow for the 4-wheeler, boat motor, chain saw..........the 4-wheeler wouldn't fit through the door nor will the car and I don't remember how I talked him out of working on the lawn mowers in the house. : )

So the jerky turned out great. I suppose there will be more made. One never knows.....We do have two more deer to cut up first. Tom has only to skin them. Just because he did one yesterday does not mean he will or can do the other two. That's this stinking disease.........Good thing there isn't much I can't do with the Lords help! And what I can't do...God has given me a band of angels : )

? Day of Deer Camp : )

WOW...... don't them deer look nice hanging there? As nice as they look they need to shed their hide and find there way to the freezer!

Now last year didn't go so well when it came to this part. Come to think of it, Tom had trouble with everything last year from sighting his gun, to hitting a deer, to gutting one ............."Everything."

Yesterday he spent a few hours preparing to skin out one deer. (he has learned to focus on one thing at a time and time is something we have). As he mentioned things we needed for the job, I'd gather them. We work as a team. : )

I have to say that I was impressed with the job he did. Very little hair on the deer. We brought it in the house and I took over.

He kept my knives sharp while I chopped away. I kept telling him they were sharp enough but he kept switching them out and I didn't want to tell him, some of the blood from the deer had my "DNA" : (

Tom mixed up a batch of jerky and we were packaging the rest when Tom said," bet you forgot which was the tender loins and back straps." We were having them for supper. Now I have to mess with him when he challenges me like that with a smart ass smirk on his face.

I said "oh s**t," and looked bewildered. He laughs and shakes his head and says "WOW Cindy"..........with the look of "and I'm the one with the problem?" on his face. Than I go to the fridge and pull out a roaster holding the loins and straps. He laughs and says..."Your so smart. "

It's been quiet at the " Olson Deer Camp" the last few days as far as hunting goes. A few does came through but Tom's holding out to see if he will get a chance of a nice rack. We've seen them around here in the past so it's not just wishful thinking. It could happen!
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TEAM WORK in our house means.....Tom leads on a project we are doing and I fill in the rest.

#1....It may be me gathering things for the project as he rattles things off that we need.

Because: A...he forgets what he went to get.
B...don't remember where it is.

#2....Gently redirect him when his idea just plain won't work. " Do this with caution!"

He doesn't have the ability to switch from one idea that he has already planned in his head to another that I am suggesting. If I just blurt it out......His head spins around three times, his eye balls bulge out of his head and he spews green venom all over me. And I won't repeat the words that come out of his mouth that he has learned from the book........"Speaking Alzheimer by Al Zheimer"

#3.....He has lost his concept of time. How does this play a part in a team work project? I'd love to tell you.
This one blind sided me. I knew he was to the point to where if I had to run to town and I was gone more than on hour he really thought I was gone almost all day. I was prepared for that as I've read it on blogs. Well your going to love this one.

If I need to run and get something we need for our project and don't have it there....He always has a fit on how long it took me to go get it. So I tested it. I ran as fast as I could, grabbed what was needed and ran back.....SAME COMMENT! " I can't figure out what takes you so long. Geeze! " : )

I encourage Tom to lead in projects and stick with his ideas as much as I can to give him a feeling of self worth. If he takes his time he does pretty good. Knowing he has the disease and accepting it has helped him to live with it.

He finally realizes that time is his friend and time is what he has a lot of. He also is recognizing some of the symptoms he displays as the disease and it seems to put him at ease that he's not crazy. He realizes he needs to address things in steps. Only focus on one step at a time and not look ahead to the next till he gets there.

A fun thing we do is make up words. He has a problem finding words so he just lets a word fly out of his mouth instead of struggling to find the right one...and I usually know what he means and use his words and make up some of my own....and we end up laughing at each other.............

These are some of the ways we live with Al Zheimer ...................And I thank those in our lives who understand and help us along in our journey. Could not do it with out all of you!

Day 3 of Deer Camp

Nothing was moving as the sun came up this A.M. Not the deer, nor Tom, nor the girls nor I................Zzzzzzz

So we decided after we all got up and had our coffee to jump camp and mozie over to Littlefork. That's where the Hauners dwell. They all had just come in from their uneventful morning hunt.

Tom and Jason decided to go drive around and see if they could see something. Jason is the only person I entrust Tom too. He watches out for " Old Gramps " They always seem to come home with a funny story, and they didn't disappoint us!

It seems Gramps got run over by a dead deer. Yep.....that's what happened. Apparently Jason shot at a deer and it ran. There was blood so Jason trailed it and Tom went around to where they figured it would come out.

It did and Tom shot it in the neck. It dropped over dead. Tom went to check it out. Yep..there's Jason's hole and there was his hit in the neck. Grabbed it's ear to lift it's head to check out the shots. Set his gun against a tree and lit a cigarette, waiting for Jason to pick them up.

All of a sudden the deer jumped up, knocking Tom down and off across the woods road it ran. Jason came around the corner just in time to see it cross. "Why didn't you shoot it?" he says to Tom........

I can't repeat Toms reply to that......But they got the deer. Whew!

2nd Day of Deer Camp

After giving thanks to God for our food and deer hunt, last night at supper, Tom added............"and thank you God for it not being a Mom. Amen"

Yesterday the signs I was putting in the window messed Tom up because he counts on me to tell him what to do, so he didn't know what deer to shoot. Than after he shot the does, he was afraid he shot a MOM.

He felt he HAD to shoot two does because we talked about needing the meat. That's why we got management tags. So he was upset till he seen the two that he shot were dry.

He DID think it was funny when I waved a white flag out the door when I needed to let the girls out to go potty......and he thought it was funny when I put a sign in the window that said....DON"T SHOOT! We are coming out!

And this morning he thought it was funny when I put a sign in the window that said "I Love You! "

Now it is 8:30 A.M. and he is back in the house and all tucked back in bed. Zzzzzzz

1st Day of Deer Camp : )

I woke this AM to Tom pulling me out of the bed by my feet. I heard that all too familiar sound of that "I just seen a big buck" kind of heavy breathing. Yep...I was right. "Cindy, I just seen a great big buck " he said short of breath.

Aw heck, guess it's time to get up and act awake and alert. : ) Okay.....at least awake after a cup of coffee. Sorry, that's all I have to offer. Alert comes later. 6:10 A.M. Tom headed for the stand. Slight dusting of snow on the ground. The north wind is howling through the woods, through the yard, through the house.......My windows are slightly ajar.

The girls each climbed on a couch and went back to sleep. Guess they aren't into early mornings either.

A few does strolled through the yard. "hummmm......he must be leaving them for seed." Around 8:00 A.M. a fork buck came out. I watched the buck......I watched Tom......I watched the buck......I see gun barrel come out stand window......Oh good, he sees it......Gun goes back in......Now what's he doing??? Don't make me shoot the dam deer!......Gun comes back out.....I'm thinking shoot.....shoot........ shoot.......Finally ka-blamb....... The deer jumped straight up and I could see it was a good hit. A little high but still good. It bound into the woods but I knew it didn't go far.

He finally came in and were discussing how to bring the deer in.......4-wheeler or drag it.....? Than a BIG buck stepped out, crossed the drive way and went into the woods before either of us could react. ha ha ha...Go figure!

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This afternoon Tom returned to the stand. Fresh thermos of coffee in hand and full belly. It must have been around three. All of a sudden deer were coming in from everywhere. They were even behind him where he couldn't see.

So I started holding up signs in the window. Arrows➔ pointing behind him with words like....Deer ➔.........SHOOT........BUCK? ➔ I didn't know it but I had him so confused as to what to do and what to shoot, he said his head was spinning. " OOPS!" I forgot myself. It's just there were so many deer it just didn't matter. It was just plain FUNNY.

He ended up shooting two does with NO fawns.......I was aiming my gun at one through an open window and I guess the girls thought we were squirrel hunting. They climbed over the top of me, knocking me over and both had there noses out the window. I was still on the floor laughing as the girls were still attacking me with kisses, when Tom came in.

He was a LITTLE crabby till I pointed out all the humor in what transpired. He ended up laughing with me. Needless to say...he's is bed and it's 7:00 P. M. All he said was, " What a day!" : )

GOOD LUCK TO ALL HUNTERS!

We are as ready as we are going to get. Tom was in his stand most of the day practicing. The girls and I were in the house practicing. OH....to be quiet I think? : )

We had deer running and chasing around for a couple of hours. Than Tom came in after he figured they were done. He no more than got in the house when a good sized buck came walking down the drive way and than cut into the woods before he reached our yard. This was right at dusk. Now we are pumped!

Ready!!!!!

I went to town and did all our shopping. Licenses.... √ Cigarettes...√ Groceries....√ Pop...√ Dog food....√ Propane.....√ Gas....√ I really hope I didn't forget anything. He has shells...............
While I was shopping Tom shot his rifle. "Good thing!" he said..."It was off by a good foot! But she's dead on now." We walked out together and looked at his target. " OH MY! " I said silently to myself. I looked for the hole on his target that was so far off. Wasn't there. I was so impressed with his cluster.

Yesterday we got all the fine details done on the stand. washed windows, vacuumed flies, weather striped the door, set up the propane heater.........
yep...I think we are ready! There hasn't been a lot of deer activity. They are around, but this time of year they start coming in and "play" around in the yard....Right before rut.

Last night they started. I know Tom was getting nervous as they usually are doing this by now, or so it seems. It's so fun to watch. Does, fawns and small bucks come in. Every body is running around silly, fawns tease the bucks and run fast, in and out of the woods they run and chase and back in the yard.

There were six here last night and Tom thought there were like 15. I would try to explain they were in and out of the woods. The same deer, not new ones each time. He didn't get it and I let it go. Didn't matter. He was so excited.

One fawn was intrigued with my flower bed right in front of the house. He also had himself some peanuts that were on the ground by the bird feeder. Lilly watched him out the window and than looked at me..." MOM..he's in your flower bed..Aren't you going to yell at him? Gee Whiz ...I always get yelled at."

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The past two years Tom has been all over the board when sighting his gun. He'd get so frustrated that I dreaded that time of year. And he always wanted me there to walk back and forth to the targets? He'd go through a box of shells easy. He never could shoot a cluster like this. He said he used six this time.

Once again he is in a better place within himself, now that we know what's wrong, he has accepted it, instead of just blowing up and getting mad and frustrated, he slows down, reflects and does his best. It doesn't always work like this but lately it's been more times than not. He knows he's not who he was and accepts who he is TODAY.....and he knows it changes day to day. His abilities is what I mean. Today he can do that but one of these tomorrows that ability will be gone. That's why we live one day at a time.

I have to admit that sometimes he gets mad at me, because it's my fault that he's all mixed up. This is common with Alzheimer. And because I know that, I have to chuckle behind his back and tell him later when he says he's sorry, that I thought it was funny because it's ridiculous. Than he laughs at me.

Yesterday when we were doing finishing touches on the stand...I said." Your choice but if I were you I would drill a hole in the bottom of the stand and run your electric cord through there instead of under the door and hang the electric box on the wall instead of it sitting on the floor.

He said "good idea" Than he couldn't find the drill bit he used to drill the hole for the gas line. ?????? This time he couldn't say I hid it because this time he knew he had it last.

So the rest of the day I heard.....You always have to start. Everything is fine and than you have to start in. Can't just leave things alone. Now while he is saying this he drills a hole and reams it out so the cord will fit through and mounted the box.... Still looking for every chance to recite those words to me. (Typical AD symptom)

Later he said..." I can't figure out what I did with those drill bits." I had a light bulb moment and said...are they in the case with the other drill? He said "why didn't you tell me before they were in there?" I replied with "I just thought of it."

Than he was fine. He was just messed up over not knowing where those bits were. He checked and sure enough that's where they were. : )

Trapper Tom

This morning, Tom came riding in on the 4- wheeler after checking his traps. Mag had to stay home because she tries to sit on his lap while he is setting them. He said she is way too much help......

As soon as the girls heard the 4-wheeler they ran to the window. They are always curious to see if he has brought something home. Okay...I'm usually in the window with them for the same reason. I know he's excited to show us all if he has something. And sometimes it's just a story about a moose or a bear.............But it's always something and it's always exciting.

Oh Girls.......He has something big on the front of the 4-wheeler!" I let the girls out. They were so excited to see what he had. Tom's beaming and grinning ear to ear as he shows the girls something they have never seen or smelled before. "Ooooh......what's that?" he says to them.
He caught himself a BIG beaver in the pond he was trapping. He was so proud and so excited. So I told him to come in and have some hot coffee and some home made oatmeal cookies fresh out of the oven. mmmmm he say's as he steps into the house.

He was cold, wet and hungry, so the coffee and cookies hit the spot. The girls stayed outside to do more sniffing. Then they came in for their snack. Tom dips cookies in his coffee for them too.

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Tom's done a lot of trapping in his time. All before I met him. But it goes back to when he was so small that his dad carried him in a pack sack on his back with leg holes cut out to the winter he trapped hard and steady through spring. Stayed at the shack never coming to town. He said..." I stunk so bad...oof-ta." Than he laughed.

This is Toms third season to try and trap. He has been struggling to remember how to do it. After setting a trap at an active beaver pond this fall, he was feeling pretty confident that he finally got it right. Next day he had a muskrat. He sat on the edge of the dam and thought about it. It was a beautiful day. So peaceful and quiet. He was reflecting on all that he was thankful for in his life. Than it came to him. The last detail.

I think it has a lot to do with him coming to terms with the way he is. He's learned to laugh at the little things. He quit stressing over what he can't do and be grateful for what he can. He said it has made a huge difference.

Before he got upset when he couldn't remember, even got mad, frustrated. It made it worse. He's learned to let it go, relax, reflect. If it doesn't come and he doesn't remember...It's OKAY.

Granny's Got The Gun.............

Tom was off in the woods and I was picking up the house thinking about what to make for lunch as Tom would be home soon. I looked out the window to see what the girls were doing and I seen Lilly had a squirrel in the wood pile.

I could see the darn thing teasing Lilly so I opened the door and told Mag, who was lazing in front of the door, to help her sister get that squirrel. Mag took off lick-i-ty shit to help her sister.

The squirrel seen Mag come barreling over there and headed up the nearest tree. I figured no fair. Lilly kept the hole at the bottom of the tree guarded while Mag watched the top. I ran and got the 22 rifle. Told the girls to keep it there.

I got back with the gun and the squirrel took one look at Granny with the gun and made a bee line down the back side of the tree and headed into the tall grass.

I hollered to the girls......"He's in the grass"......they scurried around with there nose to the ground. I was right behind them, yelling......"get 'em girls...get him in a tree".....I stumbled, tripped and fell a few times in the holes in the ground. But I'd yell "get him......I'm coming"!!!!!! Finally, they got it in a tree as I was getting back to my feet from falling in another hole. I aimed, shot and it dropped to the ground.

Mag was on it like bees on honey and Lilly with no experience said "no fare"....... So all the way to the house Mag held the squirrel with a firm grip and Lilly walked beside her holding the tail hanging out of Maggie's mouth.

Living In An Evil Fog

LIVING in an Evil Fog
By David & Elizabeth (Betsy) Howe

My family and friends ask how I am doing. The answer usually is “fine.” I am doing fine overall. Very few ask what this condition feels like. It feels like living in and evil fog.

A fog is something all can understand. ‘I’ am inside. I can see out. I ‘know’ who I am and what I should be able to do. I ‘know’ what I want to say. But the fog envelops me. It holds me in its evil grasp. It keeps me from doing all I know I could before.

The fog is like a demon from a horror movie. It pulls me deeper and deeper into itself. It pulls me farther and farther away from my ‘outside’ life. It makes my body less responsive and capable. It keeps my thought inside and won’t let me send them out to the world.

The fog never goes away. The fog just sucks me in deeper and deeper, day by day, farther and farther from what should be my life. It’s hard to watch myself leaving. It’s hard for my wife and family to watch me leaving. I know that. I see that.

My wife and I do not dwell on what is gone. We focus on what is left. Much is left. It is comforting to have great friends and family who care. Our friends continue to socialize with us, even though I get quieter and quieter. The right words more often won’t come out of the fog. The fog grabs my ideas as they form and pulls them back into its evil clutches. By then the conversation has moved on without me.

The fog slows time for me and speeds up the outside world. Everything seems to move faster. I seem to keep moving slower. I daily trudge through a fog as thick as molasses. It sometimes gets exhausting and I must take a break with ‘no brain’ things like reading or watching TV, but every now and then even reading or watching TV is exhausting.

Sound depressing? My wife and I are doing great at accepting and not being depressed. ‘What is’ is ‘what is’. I cannot change it. No one can change it. My wife helps me continue to me ‘me.’ She helped me put together this article to share with you.

I hope that as the fog grows denser and pulls me farther and farther away, my friends and family will remember ‘me.’ I hope they will continue to talk to ‘me’ even when they can no longer see the ‘me’ clutched deep within the fog.
____________________________________

Powerful isn't it? It was written by a man who suffers from Alzheimers and his wife helped him. I read it to Tom and he said WOW! That's exactly how I feel.

Tom said what helps him is I seem to know so much about the disease and understand what's going on with him so he doesn't have to try to explain it to me.
He said..." YOU JUST KNOW" and I know I'm lucky because of it.

A Fox!

Tom always says.........."when your in the woods, always be looking as you never know what you might see."

He reflects this statement on a daily basis, always looking out the window, and when he spots something cool he hollers for me and than says ............"always be looking because in the woods you never know what you might see."

WELL this morning when the three decided "I" needed to be up and awake because Tom wanted his coffee and the girls wanted to play, I seen the most beautiful Red Fox on the driveway close to the house.

The girls were outside doing their potty business and I was making coffee, when I noticed Maggie stop and point. Now when I went to look at what she was pointing at I expected to see a partridge but low and behold, it was the fox.

Now I was lucky LILLY was not in a "position" to see it or she would be history.......and Maggie is an over achiever, didn't feel a threat, and just let me know it was there. Maggie is a "SAINT" Lilly is just having a hard time living up to her big sisters achievements. She suffers from middle child syndrome.

A couple days ago Tom called me to the window and said..."do you see anything out there?" I said "the deer?" He said "no... something else." "Well where should I be looking" I asked? "Out there" is a lot of area if what he is looking at is small.

Then he gave me a clue....."on the ground by the edge of the woods" So as I look and strain to see what he sees I repeat the words...."on the ground by the edge of the woods"...........

Out of frustration he says, "CINDY! Don't you see the partridge, there is three or four of them"....... "Oh yeah I seen them!" I said, trying to cover the fact that even after he pointed them out I could barely make them out because it was dusk. "The way you were talking I thought you seen something unusual." I said. "Yah......I see the partridges."

He didn't buy my story and once again he recited his saying......"when your in the woods, always be looking as you never know what you might see."

Under The Weather

I haven't been here in a bit because I've been a little under the weather. Allergies gone bad causing ear and sinus infections. So after a doctor visit, antibiotics and allergy meds. I'm on the road to recovery..........."Wahoo!"

Sanj and Mitch came out Saturday with fixings for home made chicken noodle soup. So if the drugs don't help than we know the soup will. And than for back up Sal brought me a bottle of vitamin C. Big letters on the outside of the bottle says....Helps Boost Immune System!

So I should be tap dancing in no time. Oh...I guess I don't tap dance........... I don't do cartwheels either. I best be keeping both feet on the floor now that I think about it. : )

Sick or not, life goes on, and these three don't stop for nothing. They get bored and than I hear crashing and than Tom going Oh! Oh!........ and than Tom blaming everything on the girls, like he had no part of what was going on. They tipped the couch over three times in one day! There is stuffing from the girl's toys all over the floor and shredded stuffed animals.

I ask who did this and they all three look at me like they have no clue! Uh huh! I told them they were all grounded. : (

Xmas?

WOW!!!!!! What's with the lights? WELL let me tell you about it ;-) We have most everything put away and ready for winter. It's nice to get it done when the weather is still nice and early winter is in the air.

We went and retrieved the boat from the beaver pond. We didn't bring the gun so of coarse there were two geese in it. Oh well, we got the boat home and put away without too much trouble. I think next time I'll wear my waders though. Just a thought : )

We have a plow for the 4-wheeler, which is how we keep our quarter mile drive way open in the winter and most of the yard too : ) Well the plow needed some welding on it to beef it up. My son Travis brought us his self feed welder so we could work on it when Tom was in the mood. We got that done the other day and didn't weld anything backwards this time either. High five Tom....

So......... the Olsons are ready. NOT just ready for winter but decided to get ready for Xmas too. Tom wanted an outside tree this year which is fine with me. Holiday decorations and stuff will just mess him up anyway. Well we wanted our tree to freeze in the ground so we went shopping in our woods, found a tree, brought it home, dug a hole, and set up the tree.

Well now the tree is in the ground, why not put the lights on now too instead of when it's cold out. Well heck, now the lights are on the tree let's plug them in. WOW they look so nice let's just leave them on and maybe we'll get an early snow.

Boy the seasons fly by these days. Before you know it, it will be Easter? : 0

A Fun Day!

"Well look there", Tom said.....I looked out the window to see four partridges strutting around in the yard. Tom got one and three flew. I said that's okay. Have to leave something for seed. : ) Maggie was happy to see he got at least one. She darted out and proudly brought it back. Lilly sat in the window and watched with excitement as she wanted to join in the fun even if she was clueless as to what was going on.

It's been at least two months since Tom's been out of the woods. So we took a stroll over to Littlefork where Kel and Jason live. Jason and Tom went for a drive to see if they could stir up some birds. They came home empty handed but seemed to have had a good time anyway. Jason looks out for Ol' Gramps so I don't worry to much when Toms with him.

Tom just doesn't like to leave the security of our woods any more. This is normal for some one with Alz. Many ( not all ) withdraw because in the outside world they become confused easily. Sends them into a tail spin. Something like traffic or flashing lights or anything out of the blue when driving can set them off. If I happen to hit a pot hole on the county road, it will set him off and he wants to go back home.

But yesterday turned out to be a good day. The girls used there company manners, the day was uneventful, we all enjoyed our outing. Jason sent a big package of fish home with us so we didn't come home empty handed. That made Tom one HAPPY boy!

We are so GRATEFUL to our whole family, who understand and accommodate us. It's your support that makes it possible for us to LIVE with this disease. Tom is very much aware of the support and acceptance we receive from all of you. Your understanding and acceptance makes it possible for him to accept what is happening to him and encourages him to do his best and be his best. Some days that takes a lot of effort on his part And you all keep me a float also. It's no easy job but God helps me through it. And I thank him for giving me all of you, I call all of you "MY ANGELS"

Thank You all from the bottom of our hearts : )

Travis Visits!

The sun was shining on our home this weekend as it rained all around us. The sunshine is what I felt in my heart. My son Travis came up to see us. He came up Friday night and left Saturday evening. I think I did on over kill on baking and cooking though. Had to send the "twice baked" blueberry pie home with him. It's something new I tried and turned out pretty good. "wink"

Tom and Travis went out to the beaver pond in the morning. Travis shot his first duck with his new shot gun. He hasn't hunted ducks or geese before. I think he likes it and I know they had fun as they were laughing about something when they got back. Travis also shot a partridge in our driveway. So he didn't go home empty handed.

Of course I cooked up a big breakfast when they came in from the cold and rain. We were just sitting down to eat and here comes Kelly in her pjs. Tom was teasing her on the phone about all the food I was cooking. So she said she'd be right over and to his surprise, she really was. Kelly and Travis are very close siblings so she really just came to see him for a bit and thought she'd get in on the breakfast deal too. Tom and I both really enjoyed having the two here.

To those who don't understand the disease Tom has. (EOAD).......Tom can't handle people for any length of time. Who you are and how much he loves you plays no part in this cruel disease. Groups of people and children send him into a tail spin. I think it's the noise factor and pace. In order for Tom to function at the highest level " he can" his environment has to be uncluttered, quiet, & routine. SIMPLICITY is the key word here, and a strong sense of SECURITY. That's ME : )

So as a result I don't see my family much and for short periods when I do. My kids and family learned, accept and accommodate us, so even though my world with Tom has limits, I get to still enjoy some of the world I use to live in. Hence my son's visit was a joyous occasion for me as is when any of my family get that rare opportunity to stop in.

There is so much in life we all take for granted. We are all so busy working towards something we don't have. It's okay to set goals, want more than what we have, make plans for the future. But ......don't forget to stop and look at all you have been blessed with today because today is all that you really have and tomorrow is what we hope for.

FALL COLORS

I love fall. It's my favorite time of year. The smell of the woods, the trees changing color, leaves raining down on a windy day, dark blue cloudy skies. ground foliage going to sleep, birds flocking, geese honking, deer changing color, squirrels scurrying, partridge drumming, and the smell of smoke from a wood stove on a frosty cold night.............

Today was a beautiful fall day, so Tom and I chanced leaving Mag & Lilly home alone. This didn't turn out too good for us on past occasions. We didn't see any birds but had a great time and took lot's of photos. Last year Tom and I went almost everyday till deer season opened. I miss getting to go but what do you do. I would rather have Lilly than not. She makes us laugh on a daily bases. And laughter is good for the soul.

PS ( All was well when we got home. Lilly
was a good girl)

Row, Row, Row your boat.........

Taylor came over with her Mom, Kelly today to help take care of "Hop Along Gramma." Grampa was happy about that because than he could go hunting without worrying about what Gramma was doing that she shouldn't be doing.

Well Grampa came home with Maggie and they were both a little upset. They shot two geese but once again they were on the other side of the pond. Soooo Gramps and Mag loaded his boat on the 4-wheeler and away the two of them went back after the geese.

Once at the pond and the boat in the water, Tom had a heck of a time getting Mag in the boat. She didn't know what he was up to and she's to heavy to just lift in. Finally she got in.

Tom rowed, I mean paddled (one oar) to the other side of the pond. Half way across a flock of geese flew over. The gun was in the front of the boat . Tom tried to get to it, but Mag shifted her weight (120lbs) to one side and almost swamped the boat. He scrapped that idea.

Once they got to the other side they hunted down their two down geese. High five you two!

With Mag being so hard to get in the boat Tom decided she could swim back. Mag loves swimming so much that should have made her happy. Half way across the pond Tom looked back and there was Mag on shore whining...."Come get me!" Aw man! Tom turned the boat around, went back to shore where Mag was, tuned the boat around so the back was facing shore, than she jumped in for her ride back across. : )

She messes with him all the time. Personally, I think it's funny. Especially since she sleeps on my bed with him and I on hers because if Maggie isn't happy....NOBODY sleeps!

It's a bird, It's a plane, no it's "MOM".......SPLAT : (

SO............I had a little mishap this morning. Woke to a beautiful sunny, Sunday morning. I said, "any body for blueberry pancakes?" I got three yes-es on that.

After I put the first one in the pan I went for the last jar of home made strawberry jam. Tom's favorite! I have some unusually high cupboards. I stored the jams and jellies on a top shelf. Why not. You only retrieve a jar now and than so seemed like the place to store them to me.

Well it turned out to NOT be such a good idea. I was standing on the counter, looking at the jar of jam in my hand. Turned to tell Tom, he better enjoy this one as it was the last. Next thing I knew I was trying to save the jar from hitting the floor and breaking as I felt an excruciating pain in my ankle. Dang...there went the last jar of strawberry jam and my ankle.

Now where is the video camera when something like this happens. I mean old granny flying off the counter had to be quite a sight. I at least deserve a pair of wings for trying. Oh and by the way....I inherited my graceful traits from my beloved MOTHER. Her middle name is GRACE. I passed it on to a few of my children too. No Names. You know who you are. : )

A trip to ER accompanied by two of my girls (Sanj & Kelly) and grandsons (Mitch & Kalan), proved to be entertaining all by itself. X-rays showed no broken bones, that's good, and the usual instructions for a sprain. And a little Elmer's glue, oh, I mean crazy glue on a minor cut on my hand.

Sanj called Tom from the hospital to let him know everything was okay. I heard her tell him " I have some good news and some bad news. The good new is she has no broken bones. The bad news is they have to do brain surgery, because there must be something wrong with her that she would try to save a jar of jam instead of herself when falling off the counter."

My defense is........... I didn't have a whole lot of time to think that out clearly. : )

Thanks boy's for spending your afternoon with your Granny at the ER. Love You!

A hunting we will go.......

Now Mag and Tom haven't been in tune lately. It was beginning to frustrate Mag and Tom both. Tom thought it was from not working with Mag since we got Lilly and Mag just figured her Dad is just a bad shot. It use to be, Tom shot, Maggie went and got the bird and brought it back to Tom. But lately Tom shoots, Maggie goes to get the bird and no bird.

Well good news. They are back in sync and have regained their faith in each other. Tom shot a duck, Mag jumped in and swam so hard to retrieve it, Tom said her front end was almost coming out of the water. And that's not easy for a dog who weighs 120 lbs. And Mag was thinking, "FINALLY", he got one and I'm not letting it get away.

Tom said after that she wanted to sit on his lap and everything because she was so happy. She sure was full of smiles when she came through the door when they got home. They got another one later today too so I threw them in the oven. "Mmmmmmm" Tom and Mag said that was some good DUCK : )

Straw Man

Fall is in the air and winter is peeking around the corner. We started prepping for winter. Tom doesn't do well on demand, but rather does things when he feels like it. He also would rather do these chores on nicer days. We are 90% ready for winter I guess.

We put up a bird feeder in front of the window, where he can sit and watch the birds. We used a cedar pole with a crotch in it. Than we nailed an old feeder we had on top. Tom's been really enjoying watching birds this fall. So it should be a nice distraction this winter as we don't go out much than. (The grass appears white in the picture because it was 20 above this a.m.........FROST)

So today when Tom was off looking for birds, the girls and I made this straw man. They were pulling straw out as I was trying to put it in. Some how I managed to get it stuffed and kept it that way, so I could get it set up before Tom got back.

When he came in he said he thought it was me goofing around but it didn't move when he got close. Than the girls were barking at it every time they looked out the window so I decided to move it.

I put the straw man and a lawn chair in the wheel barrow, than the girls and I hauled Mr. Straw Man out to the county road. He's sitting by some brush Tom piled up this summer and he has a coffee mug in his hands and he's wearing a pair of yellow work gloves.

Tom and I are laughing because people are probably saying...."Tom has really lost it now." People already approach him with caution out on the trails with his long hair and beard. ......... He ran into an old retired guy today who was out mostly for the ride. Tom said the old guy said," you look like you live in the woods.." : 0

Bird Hunting

Tom was listening to baseball the other day, on the radio. Even when it's televised, he prefers to listen on the radio. You can see in his eyes it takes him to a good place from the past.

I ask him "where are you?" He looks at me with a puzzled look and says "what?"
I said, "where are you in your mind?" He smiles and said " sitting in a blind with my dad duck hunting. We would listen to the world series when we were duck hunting....................... I miss my dad, boy! "

As Tom's world is shrinking, he is still hunting, just on a lower scale. We have a beaver pond in the woods behind our place. Ducks and geese fly in there. Now Maggie hasn't had any formal training to retrieve but she has a lot of natural instinct going for her.

I've been with, when approaching the pond, she gets just so close and stops. Tom continues on, crouched down. This time he wanted her to stay with him so she could see where it fell, if he got one. So he waved for her to follow.

As Tom reached the edge of the dam, Birds flew, Tom shot, Maggie jumped in......she swam around and around the pond, looking for the bird. The bird had landed on the other side of the pond. He'd point, threw sticks, she'd get close, turn and come back. He said this went on for quite awhile. They came home without the bird. : (

They walked in the house together. Mag was all wet. Tom walked up to me and said " I threw all my shell in the pond." I said , "WHAT?" He kinda laughed and repeated, "I threw my shells in the pond." I said "WHY?" looking at him a little confused. "The bird was on the other side of the pond and I couldn't throw a stick far enough to get Mag to swim over there so I threw my shells. Now I don't have any more shells." He replied.

I asked if he thought that one out before he did it. He said no, I just wanted that bird. ...........

So today Tom received a box of shells, a bucket of rocks and a bag of Maggie treats, from someone who heard the story. When he came in from hunting he said, "I saved the shells and just threw rocks." Now that's funny!

June Cleaver?

This morning when we slowly emerged from bed I decided to make homemade, blueberry, buttermilk pancakes, with home made strawberry jam. I had to put my June Cleaver apron on for this. We'll skip the picture here and let your imagination run with it. : )

Tom sat at the table, squirming in his chair, with one of the girls on each side of him. It's a given they'll make out good and they know it. As soon as two pancakes were done, they were on his plate and he was eagerly fixing them up. A pound of butter, a cup of jam, between two pancakes. I said, "I'll make the girls each one. They can't have all the butter and jam." After all, he announced yesterday that Maggie was on a diet.

Tom and the girls all finished the first round about the same time. Tom was diving in for another round. He told the girls he'd fix them another one. I said "no, that's enough for now." He whispered, "I'll give you some of mine. " I heard that! But I didn't let on. I was peeking as he would cut a rectangle piece of pancake. Put a gob of jelly on it, fold it over into a square, top it with a gob of butter, and devour. He fixed the girls their share like that too. At one point I heard, "Come on you guys, I want some too!"

So I decided they were all really hungry or they were enjoying it that much. : )

Blazing Trails

We have had frost this past week and the trees are changing color. So fall is here and bird hunting season is open. I don't think we will have the colors like we did last year as the leaves are already falling.

Tom has gone out scouting for birds a few times but the foliage is still too thick. Last evening he went for one of his (I'm feeling restless) 4-wheeler rides. Wouldn't you know he seen two coveys of partridge and no gun. He was able to laugh about it. There are plenty of birds around, so maybe this coming week we will be enjoying them on the table. I bone them, cut them into chunks, season and bread them and deep fry. Mmmmmmmm.

All summer Tom was expanding his lawn mowing to where brush hogs should go "cautiously ". He has an 1810 (older) model riding lawn mower/ brush hog. When he hits a stump, or big rock or (?), one or both blades just fall off. Last year we went through two sets of blades but this year he has mastered the art of adjusting the deck with the terrain as he is mowing. So we only used one set this year. But "Old Betsy" was retired for the year. Deer hunting season coming on now and things to do to prepare for that.

With the tree fort, oops, I mean "deer stand" now completed, we cleared a runway and started making trails through the woods. It's a fun project. Tom leads with the chain saw and I trail a safe distance behind cleaning up the "path". (I didn't want to say trail again : ) The girls love it when we are all out and about together. They scurry around, sniffing here and sniffing there, than back to check on us and off they go again.

Okay so sometimes we have to holler for them but they always come. Lilly has surprised us as we thought she'd take off on a scent and not see her till she decided to come back, but she came every time we called AND I'm not the most graceful person in the world, so I kind of fell into the brush pile and Lilly came and jumped on top of me licking me to death. I don't think Tom seen that graceful move because he didn't tease me about it and he never passes up an opportunity to tease.

I love walking through the woods and had always hoped he'd decide that it would be a cool thing to do. I'm all for making trails everywhere. He never had the desire before because there are endless trails available to us but with Lilly, all of us going is not an option and slowly Tom's world is shrinking to the confinement of "our woods." Years ago I told him we were like a "Pair of Shoes" where one goes the other one follows. That hasn't changed.............

BLESSINGS FROM ABOVE

This spring Tom wanted to get a baby deer. He managed to make all the right contacts and could have got one, except that he needed to build an 10 foot fence around a 1 acre area and build a proper shelter for it. It all had to be inspected and approved to get a license to have the deer. All that's good and fine except, that all costs money : )

As Tom reminisced about Spike a deer they raise when he was a boy and all the trouble him and Spike would get into, I realized he was just looking for that feeling the memories brought to him. Hence we got Silly Lilly bringing the same joy and feelings as Spike brought when he was a boy. And I might add I was feeling a little panic-y when he was making all the right contacts and talking about the deer being in the house and sleeping in our bed. : ) I have learned NOT to react and some how things usually work themselves out. Thank you Lord for intervening in that one. "Whew!"

So than Tom wanted ducks too. "Mallards" We have timber wolves out here so you don't want any penned up animals. I keep telling Tom that the Good Lord will bless us with the animals from the wild and we don't need to pen them up. Wouldn't you know, we were blessed not only with a pair of Mallards but also two pairs of Wood Ducks and kept our little pond full of water for them all summer. Usually that pond dries up first thing in the spring after run off. They all stayed till late summer and than the pond dried up .

Tom watches the animal rescues on "animal planet". Now he wants to be a foster home for animals. OH BOY! I tell him Lilly and Maggie would object and I'm thinking, I have my hands full with those "Three Clowns" already. : )

I Think There Is a Conspiracy Around Here!

We seemed to have developed a routine around here that I'm not too sure I'm happy about. It's a given the girls have Tom wrapped around their paws and all three have "MOM" here wrapped........

Well, here's the story:

Just before we got Lilly, Tom decided that Mag had to sleep with us all night because she wanted to. She use to lay with us till we turned the TV off. Than that was her cue to get down. But as she noticed a change in Tom, she wants to be beside him all night. It bugged him waking up at night and she is sitting there looking at him. So he let her on the bed, she'd stretch out and we'd both be hanging out the sides.

So Tom's solution was to add on to our queen bed. We added a twin. So when the TV went off she had to move over to her part of the bed. But at night she would slowly creep to our side, trying to get close to Tom and I'd get squished like a sandwich. And nobody was on the add- on bed.

Than came Lilly. She was barely 5 weeks old. Our solution for her was just put her in our bed too. So she slept on my pillow with me. She'd wake up and cry and I'd get up , put her out side, she went pee, we went back to bed , and so on...all night. As she got bigger she still stayed at the top of the bed roaming from one pillow to another. Many times I'd wake to a fur halo over my head or Tom would have a fur collar.

But than she got really big. She roamed and flopped all over the bed all night. But to this day has never gotten down unless I get up. But this drives Maggie crazy. So Mom sleeps with Lilly on the add-on bed and Mag sleeps by her dad. If I try to sleep by him, Mag gets down and cries and whines till I move over and let her have the spot by him. I give up. "Can't we all just get along?" : )

So now the new routine they have started.

At around seven or so, like clock work. Lilly starts flopping all over me. Flop, stretch, yawn...... Than she "sneezes." Mag lifts her head. Lilly sees Mag lift her head and Lilly gets up, stretches. Mag jumps down off the bed, Lilly licks my face, steps over or on top of me to get over to her dad, Really gives him the wake up kisses and hugs. He goes off like a siren.......LLLLLILLLLY..... ................. MOM!!!!! ................ I get up because it's the only way Lilly will let up on Tom, and he won't stop hollering till she quits.

Sooooo why am I up? Maggie goes to the kitchen and lays down, and looks at me like what's for breakfast MOM? I do let Lilly out to go pee and than she crawls back in bed with her Dad and Dad get's coffee in bed.

Hmmmmm and he giggled when I read this to him. I think I've been had. : )

Thank You!

.... it is possible and ultimately desirable to accept life's limitations
while enjoying the mental and emotional freedom that comes from
noticing the beauty inherent in every present moment. That no
matter how bad things get there is always something in the
present moment that makes life worth living and that it is my task
to learn to spend more time noticing those things than I do
lamenting the losses of the past and the worries of the future.
Author Unknown


I found this quote on the internet and it so eloquently put my feelings into words that I do not have the vocabulary for. I put it on my desk top and read it every day. I'd like to share it with you. Unfortunately I didn't copy the author. So not to take claim of these words as my own I
will put "Author Unknown"