A Perfect Day......

Oh what a perfectly beautiful day......

I convinced Tom we should go road hunting.... He started rattling off a list of reasons NOT to..... which I squashed as they stumbled from his mouth as they were all lame excuses in my book........

We left Lilly and Maggie home as they are older and lazy..... so would be fine laying around the house all day together......

We took the two energetic PUPS with as Emily barks from the time we leave the house till we enter again and Sarah ?????  

Nope not leaving her home........

Tom seemed so relaxed when we left..... he didn't say one bad thing about my driving....... hmmmm who's this stranger sitting next to me....... I kind of like this guy... reminds me of this fella I use to know...... dare I hope for a good day together....

It was better than that..... the PUP's were perfectly quiet..... guess that proves they are only bad when the four are together..... : )  

 

we got a few birds but what was better than that is the woods was florescent in color, breathtaking......

 

I suggested we walk as we use to walk for miles on this road when we were young and foolish...... but that brought on a disgruntle, absolutely not, no way in hell, N O !

I didn't bring up that W word again as I didn't want to ruin our day with such an out of the question idea like .... let's walk.....exercise?

Tom's meds are clearly working for him...... as I breath a sigh of relief..... and I thank GOD for everyday we get ....... it's funny how easy it is to accept and adapt to the broken-ness of his mind after you've gone a bout with the anger and rage......

And last night just before we fell asleep... Tom whispered..... "I talked to God a long time last night...."
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10/3/10

The ups and downs of this disease is quite trying on one particular care giver.... Yes... me.  I get close to saying "I CAN"T DO IT ANYMORE!

Then Gods says... yes you can!   I say I don't want to.... God says you have to... I chose YOU because this is the job I readied you for.... Tom is a difficult child but he is a child of mine and I need you to see him through this.....

Yesterday I went for a walk in the woods because I had reached a point ...... one in which I needed to walk away...... Tom seen me leave... and I left the girls in the house as I really needed to be alone.... 

I returned three hours later to a hysterical TOM who had rounded up a posse to go in search of me.....

This is the conversation between my daughter and me the next morning.... texting.

U ok?....... YUP!  : )........ Tom freaked out:-§....... I know....... Its hard 2 escape 4 awhile when u r on a short chain!......... Yupppp!!!!!........ Remember when i tried 2 put dusty (cat) on a string?.......... No.. how did that turn out?.......... Gag! Choke! Gasp! Cough! The more she pulled the tighter it got. She looked epileptic. Never did that again!......... ha ha ha...Toms awake... gotta go.

My 9 year old Granddaughter called..... "Gramma are you okay?'......."I'm fine sweetie"......."where did you go?"....  just for a walk in the woods"..... "You scared Grampa really really bad.".... "I know, I didn't mean too"..... "you shouldn't do that, he was really scared."

Tom suffered ultimately for the emotional turmoil I put him through... though unintentional I feel bad.....  especially after I heard his interpretation of what took place.....  It didn't match mine.

Tom trusts me like a parent / child relationship....... To him I am a ROCK... I know all and can do anything, in his mind.   I am someone with strong sound morals.... will give my all to protect my children (him & the girls ) and he loves and trust his MOM like any small child would.   This is our emotional relationship...

In reality Tom  knows I'm his wife, the love of his life, soul mate...... but mentally he can't function as a husband, the other half of us....... so we slowly worked into this Mom / child relationship adding the girls as more kids...... this works for us.  We live in the woods and interact with others when and with whom we choose?

Tom suffers from unbearable pains that SHOOT through a specific part of his leg like lightening bolts...... every few minutes one shoots through crippling him...  After YEARS of trying to find the cause / source...... it appears it's triggered in the brain.   Is STRESS / FEAR  the trigger?

By now you should be able to put together the rest of the story....... The specifics are not important....

I just can't stop thinking about what a long, slow, destructive, life changing, cruel, unfair, tormenting, gut wrenching, heart breaking, lonely disease this is.......  am I going to make it?

TRAP DYING?

This BOY is going to be difficult... I can just tell.....

He won't go for a walk on a nice day SOOOOO  I suggested he re-dye his traps with the old faithful "SPEED DIP" .......... the boil method from his past didn't work.  With Speed Dip you mix gas and this tar looking stuff then dip & hang to dry.....

"OKAY.... I guess I can do that......." he says sounding none to enthusiastic.  "I could just do it on the deck of the shack......."   "NOT!!!!   You (I) don't want that stuff all over the deck to walk in and track it into the house and shack....."

I already had done some preplanning and had the spot and poles already set up.....
He okay-ed it and then instructed me to get his traps and......????  I thought this was a good project for HIM.  I was going tooooo...... oh yah... help him dye his traps.... What was I thinking.... who would do everything for him while he grumbled out his instructions.... 

So he took a wire and bent a hook in it.... he carefully dipped one trap at a time..... I took the trap with my gloved fingers and unhooked the pole from the tree and slid the trap on and hung the pole back to go get my next trap as he was impatiently waiting for me??????  

Guess I'm getting slow in my old age....... "what takes you so long... geeze!!!!"  We made it through about 3 dozen traps...... and I resisted dunking his head in the dip.... I have to admit that the thought crossed my mind but he was at a disadvantage kneeling in front of the tub and gravity in my favor..... hee hee.......

After he washed the dip off his "hands" with gas he turned and looked at me....... "MOM?...... how did you get so full of that stuff?"  I seen a smirk on his face and a twinkle in his eye when he said that looking at me.  I looked down at my cloths and his observation was dead on.... I was covered in that stuff...... than at a glance at his cloths.... he was not........???

I should have dunked him!  LOL

Fat Boy Dieting ?

I decided I needed to put my unmotivated "Fat Boy" on a diet..... All he talks about is how he needs to lose weight and I won't quit cooking food he can't resist.  I cook healthy and HE ADDS tons of butter & bread......?

And the guy won't go for a walk to save his soul????? He thinks starving is the only way to lose weight and I keep telling him he can starve all he wants BUT if he doesn't get his butt moving he won't lose anything.

SO I charged into the bed room yesterday morn after he woke from his morning nap (goes back to sleep till 10:00 A M after his morning coffee in bed) and told him ... "Okay big boy... enough is enough.... WE are on a diet (my way) as of right now....The bread &butter is gone..... you are limited to a SMALL amount of coffee creamer a day and you WILL go for a walk OR get your butt on the tread mill EVERYDAY!"

He burst out laughing..."Mom? what got into you?" ..... "I decided today was THE DAY!  It's suppose to be nice all week so it's a good time to get into a routine." I replied. "Mom... your funny" is what he had to say to that.

Yah... I know his brain is broken BUT sometimes if I make a game out of something he'll go along with it......

He struggled through yesterday..... he did the tread mill for 25 minutes....

 I raked leaves...... I came to the open window where he sat and watched me and said "Hey Tom... there's another rake." inviting him to join me like the old days before AD...... "OH YAH?" he replied like it was an exciting idea to him and than he got that silly look in his eyes and said "why don't you put one in each hand and than you can rake twice as much leaves." lol  "You big shit" I replied and laughed with him.

First Bird of the Season

Tom had to have some med adjustments and now is back on the road to doing what Tom does?  No not just trying my patience and seeing if he can drive me crazier than I already am lol..... but to find things he enjoys doing yet, as they are becoming less as time goes ticking by.

Bird season opened last week end but there were too many people out and about for Tom so we stuck around home for the most part.  He ventured out Tuesday to see what he could find...... He spent  most of the day getting un-stuck in mud holes as the woods is wet.

He did come home with one bird out of seeing six......... 

The girls were all excited to see what Dad had but Sarah was scared of it.....

 

When we went in the house Sarah decided to investigate on her own ....... 

I have to laugh when people tell Tom he should train her to hunt....... ummm that's NOT going to happen.  I think she was born to be a big BABY!  And we kind of like her just like that.

Leaves are are changing color quickly and many just falling.....

The deer changed color over night and and I've been scurrying to get ready for winter as are the squirrels gathering up the left over morsels of corn that the deer leave behind.

The challenges that Alzheimer presents in "our world" are at times traumatic but it is counter balanced with challenges  of expanding my horizons and to see what I can really do.... One never knows what they are made of and where their limits truly are till pushed there without choice.......

It's amazing to say the least and at times it is just plain hilarious..... There is always something to laugh or smile about even if it is just a feat you didn't know you were capable of........

I can do all things through God.......

The Lord IS My Shepherd...........

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Well the party was over as the alien (ALZ) that invades my husband's mind and calls his body home returned...... with a vengeance.

He was MEAN and ORNERY...... I played Merry-Go-Round with people telling me.... "I'm sorry..... he's booked for a year"..... we can put you on his cancellation list but it's long and that can take a year........

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!!!!!!!!  CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW???????

Tom was breaking my heart even though he had nothing nice to say.... he said he hated how he felt and he was trying with all his might to control the meanness that was only escalating in him...... but he couldn't stop it... it controlled him.....

Day four of trying to get him into the over booked... one person in our community that knew what to do.... I had to give it to GOD .... I told my daughter, I sat by the phone for 4 days and got no help....... doesn't anybody out there CARE??????

My two daughters that live in the same area, took over...... By the end of the day Tom had an apt with  "The Main Doc" in NOVEMBER, who is over booked trying to handle a whole community .........  and was put on the TOP of the cancellation list and he had an apt with his regular Doc the next day, with the understanding he was a problem "child" and was to be taken in right away....... to prevent a scene like the last visit to the clinic just for blood .

NOTE.... to those I have lost in this story let me explain...... Tom has only been seeing his regular DR. since diagnosis.... "2006"  who has consulted the Psychiatrist  as far as Alzheimer meds.....

All was well till now..... He NEEDS to be evaluated as every person with ALZ is different and they all react to medications different and going out of town is NOT an option for us and all his drugs seem to have stopped working except for the last med to control anger but the dosage needed to be regulated......

THAT requires a PSYCHIATRIST!

All went well with his regular DR. visit...  He willingly took the one med that works for him to help him behave himself...... and they took him right away as promised..... and he upped his anti-angry med till he could see THE MAIN DOC.... for evaluation.

By the time we got home the clinic had called and Tom has an apt with MR. MAIN DOC on Monday...... WE ARE ECSTATIC!!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

It has taken time.... with denial and acceptance...... Tom has totally accepted his diagnosis..... and for some reason, not all are aware, he is aware of his actions BUT says it's like someone else driving the car with him in the driver seat....."my words"

The "one" drug that is working and dosage has been increased...... has put him at peace and given him control of the wheel again......

NOW that doesn't mean he makes good choices, can reason, remember, multitask..... and the list goes on...... BUT he at least does it all with a smile on his face and laughter in his voice and he LOVES HIS MOM...... that's me

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NOW how in the world did my daughters, particularly the one I call "the nut that fell closest to the tree?????????"....  I heard she threw herself in front of the train and the train stopped!

LISTEN!!!!!

LISTEN!....... do you hear it?   That's what my daughter said when all the kids went to their first day of school...... That's what it has been like around here too......

Peaceful comes to mind... Tom's good days are turning into weeks...... I know it's not forever but you can bet WE ALL are enjoying it for however long it lasts......

There isn't much lawn mowing required these days as Fall closes in on us...... I need to keep Tom occupied till bird season opens on the 18th of this month.... To me each day feels like a week if he is not happily occupied with something to make the day fly by and him feeling like he had a big day.....

We've been having frosty nights...... Tom panics..... "OHHH it's cold here boy!   North wind blowing and rain.. I wouldn't be surprised if it snows!!!!" ...... he tells his brother on the phone.   "OH BROTHER!" slips from my lips as I shake my head and walk away......?????   and he hates the heat...... and it's NOT that cold.....lol  I call it comfortable!

Tom's new traps arrived yesterday with a package of powder type dye...... he was so excited as it brought back a flood of fond memories from yesteryear..... he set up the old turkey cooker and wash tub as it requires boiling the traps in this dye mixed with water for an hour or so......... he just sat on a bucket and watched them boil........

I ❤ FALL!!!

I'm so excited about FALL being right around the corner... cooler temps, hunting & trapping season approaching, the grass slows down, the leaves changing color and slowly drift to the ground...... UNLESS a big wind goes through... lol,  birds gathering, and there is this smell in the air....... I love the smell of fall almost better than fresh cut grass.........

BEST of all........  FALL brings a flood of vivid memories and very deep emotional feelings of the many adventures that Tom and I share............

Yesterday we mowed our 1/4 mile driveway ditch...... something we do in the fall.  Than Tom helped me pile all the fire wood by his shack......and I talked about how excited I was about trapping and about me skinning the varmints and putting them on stretchers...... I seen this brought a warm glow in his eyes and his face went soft...... "are you really?" he asks......  "are you kidding me?..... I replied........  That was so much fun last year... I can't wait.....!"

This set his mood..... as now we are expecting cooler but wet days ahead.  Boredom or feeling trapped doesn't make for a pleasant time.  This morning when I announced the weather his reply was.... "I'll have to start a fire in the shack"....... a little bit later an excited silly voice came from the bedroom where Tom lay sipping his morning coffee...... "I remember when we first bought this land (in the fall) and we stayed in a tent out here and you cooked me breakfast".......  "On the picnic table, on a little cook stove fighting mosquitoes and rain" I added......  We both burst out laughing.  

This place was a mud hole but it was OUR mud hole and we loved it.........

That was Fall of 2002..... I was noticing then that something wasn't right with Tom but I couldn't put my finger on it....... I also did not know people at that age got Alzheimer's and that it wasn't that rare. 

He slowly declined till I finally said.... "ENOUGH......there is something wrong with him."    He was diagnosed the Fall  2006 with Early Onset Alzheimer's.  It actually was a relief to know what was wrong so we knew how to deal with it.......

So here we are in our own little woods we call home........ still making memories..... living life as it is....... taking one day at a time........ "I'm so glad FALL is here!" ....sigh...