PROJECT: Window Box

We ran out of paint to finish the last wall and can't get more till Friday...... the lawn mower is still waiting for a deck and the grass seed is still waiting for rain....... So I said let's make a window box.

This is while he was having his coffee in bed thinking about what to do today........ When I mentioned I was going to make a window box and he could help if he wanted he got excited..... "that sounds like fun Mom!" 

Now how complicated could that be?  Seemed safe enough....... We could use boards off our used wood pile.... we are down to just pieces but how fun to dig and see what you can make out of what is there.

I had the front board... it's a cedar board he got from the neighbors....... and this box was only going to be 4 foot long.

Well let me tell you........ ya would have thought we were building a house.......from scratch....starting with cutting down trees......

He was all mixed up.....he had "NO CLUE" but said it was me making him mad telling him what to do......"you always have to start!"...... that's his favorite line when HE IS MESSED UP and blames it on me......... I chuckle because many a time I haven't said a word........

"TOM! ..... it's a box.......it's no big deal......chill out......let's just focus on ONE BOARD at a time."   He got a little better and I was so glad when it was done......

I painted it and we hung it.... and he loves it.... and so do I.

 Will I suggest another project?  YEP!  He needs something to do that he can see results and feel good about.  His attitude, confusion, swearing, name calling and getting mad are just part of the disease and frustration from not being able to make sense of things, which makes it worse but it's there, no matter what and he NEEDS to feel productive and important.....     "I like doing things where I can see result."  is what he always tells me.

I could easily do any of the projects we have been doing by myself..... I asked his help to involve him and pretend it's too hard for me by myself.  He is so proud when we are done and I always tell him "good job Tom.. you had a little trouble but not bad".... Thanks Mom" ......he'll answer proudly.
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4/30/10

We have been doing the de-acf coffee now consistently.... and his medications have been taken at consistent times also and I see a calmness.......I asked if he has been feeling calmer in general lately and he said "yes and I've been feeling good too"....... he added.  "Not so tired".......

He seems to be sleeping better at night and really well when he goes back to sleep in the morning for two hours.... he says that's his best........

He still flies off the handle easily but most of the time I can see a trigger which usually has to do with frustration due to his brain not working well for him.  Or if I forget and interrupt his train of thought........ and of coarse if he thinks I'm telling him what he can or cannot do....... that goes with the no word..... all of which we try to remember not to say.

I think Tom is trying to adjust to "new loss" that he seems to be aware of.... he is fighting tooth and nail to hang on, which is good...... that's why he got so mad at me over a simple box.... he knew it should be simple but he couldn't figure it out.

We have some much needed rainy days ahead of us so I need to think of something to occupy him ........ yesterday was the first of the gloomy rainy days and he went into a slump and crabbed at me all day.

He says he's bored.... he doesn't love TV...... I don't know....... any ideas?

PROJECT: Painting House

The table got sanded and stained first thing the next morning........ but Tom's mind was already going to what to do next as he took a break to consume more coffee and smoke a cigarette.

"We should be painting the house before it gets hot and humid...... not to mention the bugs" ....... "Yeah I know.... it should have been done last year." ........ "Well I'm telling you now and I don't care what you say but the trim around the windows are going to be green..... I'm sick of all one color."  I gave him a "you got to be kidding" look..... "don't look at me like that" he says in a challenging voice..........

The table was done and still drying as we were all headed to town to look at stain for log siding.... we agreed on something darker but I still was not on board with green trim.  BUT my answer was "what ever you want dear."  to keep the peace.

We left the store with stain and brushes.  He said "we're here we might as well get it.  "I suggested we should run it by the payer person first.... his voice got loud and I could see a visual display about to erupt.  To save embarrassment I said "what ever you want to do dear"

On the way home my evil side came out after all that took place..... I asked  in a teasing voice "did you play with Lincoln Logs when you were a little boy?"  Recognizing the tone of voice he asks cautiously  "why?"  Well if I remember they were brown logs and GREEN roof"....... and I burst out laughing.  "Honey?" I start in again......"What color did your Dad paint the trim on the shacks you guys had?"  ......."I don't know...why?" he asks.  "Because the pictures I've seen and the one on our wall....the trim is GREEN"

He let me know than in no uncertain terms that the trim is green and I can tease or be mad all I want.... "what ever you want dear" I said.

Next day and one & a half walls later I noticed he was painting the trim with the siding as it was intended when we built this place........ He than let me know he changed his mind on the green and really liked it this way better........ "You always know what's best"  he says.........

So far we have been having a good time with this project....... He is all mixed up till I have him set up but after that it's all good.  He paints high and I paint low.

PROJECT: Picnic Table

Now that was kind of a fun project..... Yes there is the "P" word I try to avoid.... BUT if I don't come up with something to do that interests him....for the day.... he'll fill in the void and that could be bad.

He was still in bed but was awake drinking his morning coffee...... that's when he thinks about what to do today.... So I sat on the edge of the bed and interrupted his train of thought with a "ahum" sound..... He looked at me and said "what?"

"I have an idea for a project today if your interested"........ "What?"..... How about we build a small picnic table out of the boards that are left on the used board pile."........"There probably isn't enough boards"....... "There is if we make it a 5 foot table"........ There was silence....... "Okay that might be fun!"

As usual he was out the door as soon as his feet hit the ground..... He went out to round up the stuff we needed while I ran the vacuum through the house. (four dogs = lots of dog hair that requires daily vacuuming)..........

Our old picnic table was 2x6's...... (which we were using as a pattern)  

We had 2x4's.... I knew Tom would have a problem adjusting for that .....to get the table to come out right...... but I THOUGHT I had that part figured out...... NOT!

TOM wants to go from A to Z and skip what goes in between.  Wasn't as bad as it use to be though... Even though he was verbally showing his frustration (the rage) and passion isn't there.  It's more like empty words...... as he was visually confused to the max and totally frustrated.

But as he was putting in the last screws he was smiling.....

 He loved our crooked little picnic table singing with character.  I brought us out a cup of coffee to celebrate our accomplishment and than the girls had to check it out . 

 "Good job Dad"....said Lilly......"I LOVE it"

Tomorrow the plan is for him to sand the top and I have some deck stain I can put on it to preserve the wood and hopefully it will give us a few years........

No the girls are not allowed on the table in the house and I am not impressed that Tom invites them up on the picnic table.... BUT I pick my battles and that one I let slide........

Watching Grass Grow......

The weather has been beautiful......... Tom's bum knee has slowed him down so I suggested working on a knock out tan.......So he putzes  around and settles in the sun......

I've been feeding his vanity to keep him off the lawn mower subject which is hard to do as the lawn mower is right in front of the house by the door......"we are going to need to mow grass by this week end " he warns me....... "Yep" is all I say to that.  My thoughts continue....."not if we don't get any rain.... and there is none in the forecast!

Yesterday when he took a spin down the road and back I started cleaning up the lawn mower.  The paint is like new under a lot of black dirt/oil/grim.......

As he drove in and seen what I was doing he started laughing.... "what are you doing?........"cleaning up the lawn mower........it's so shinny people will think you are driving a John Deere.......besides I figured it would run better clean."

He joined in and helped me..... "remember when we use to go over to the plant (asphalt plant in Colorado where he worked for 10 years before we moved back here) and clean and wax your loader?" ....." Yes"...he chuckled......"well this is no where near the size but it's still your equipment and it shouldn't look like this."

I think it made him feel good.....

Oh by the way...... Yesterday morning I was running the vac through the house quick before I joined him and the girls out side....when I stepped out the door to shake the rugs,  there was smoke on the edge of the woods.... "TOM!!! are you burning?"........" I just wanted to see what it would do!" he  answers........

There are burning restrictions on and ....... even the woods is crispy dry!
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Tom had an episode last week end....I had to remove my self and the girls from the house so he could calm down as I could see he was escalating and wasn't about to stop.......

A reaction from me would add fuel to the fire and I NEVER react..... But I can also see he won't stop.... looking for a reaction.  So when I remove myself if he doesn't remove himself..... it put's the fire out.  

When my kids were little I would put them in their rooms and told them they were welcome to come out as soon as they calmed down...... well Tom is too big for me to physically put him in his room so I opt to remove myself right out of the house..... He calms quickly......

Tom is drinking coffee day and night..... I have now slipped in de-caf at night and after 3:00 pm.   It's making a difference with the aid of his new medication.....

It's a work in progress......

A Peek Into Our World.......

Tom has been concerned about having a working riding lawn mower this summer.  We have an older model that has served us well in the past.  It has a few issues due to age, use and Tom.  Tom didn't feel it had another year in it.....

We have an early spring but due to lack of rain it will be awhile before we need to worry about making hay.  UNFORTUNATELY Tom's brain can not calculate that...

Tom's brain also can not calculate the fact that he probably does not need to have so much mown yard...ditch and woods.  Tom has worked hard all of his life.  That's what he knows.

 He hates the fact that he has no ambition... desire... want to... get up and go do something like he use to.  People who took naps were lazy... hated lazy people.. hates junky... unkempt yards.  His place is his last pride and joy.

Weather it be him or his working half (me) that keeps it mowed and looking beautiful.... it's important to him.  I'm glad at this point the something IS important to him.

It's hard to see the emergency in this by outside people.  Out side our world.  LIVING LIFE in the fast lane (normal life) in compared to us who get up in the morning wondering what to do today. 

I as in "ME" have no problem with what to do today..... My work is never ending.... BUT Tom struggles with that.  He knows he should want to.....needs too.... do something.  "WHAT" is the hard part because his ambition...is broke.  So if he can talk himself into SOMETHING he usually has to use my ambition...... my exhausted brain..... and my get up and go do this ..... to follow through. 

The scary part is he gets bursts of energy but his brain has a problem putting it to GOOD use.  That is what causes problems for me.  And when he is tired he fights it which makes his thinking and mood even more out of whack. 

That's where I have to keep an eye on him to make sure he isn't lighting fires or what ever else a mischievous kid would do or get into.................

SO that is why in his mind he needs to either A: get his lawn mower in running condition NOW... as in today... right this very minute.   B: buy a brand new one for only $991.99 on sale before the sale runs out.

Living on only his SSD........ A and B above are not possible.  He knows that BUT doesn't  "get it"  He knows people help us but doesn't  "get it"

It's like a child not understanding there is no Santa and it's really mom and dad buying the presents and they can't get you that real pony.  NOTE:  (Sorry if I popped some ones bubble about no Santa.  Not my intention.)

So we tore the lawn mower apart using my exhausted brain.... brought the deck in the house to beef it up as it has done battle with a few big rocks......

We charged the dead battery (umm... I mean DEAD) that we had to jump every time we needed to use it.  If you got off the seat out by the county road you had to walk back a quarter mile and get the van to jump start it again or push the lawn mower  across the yard to the van to start it....

And a set of blades are needed as the ones from last year are not recognizable.  But to Tom's credit .... he made one set last the whole season last summer. 

A few minor things like an O ring and two fine thread nuts to hold the blades on...... Oh yeah.... and gas!  Than we are ready for the grass to get long enough to cut.

KEY WORD for Tom is ........ "READY"........ not wondering .... how am I going to cut this grass. 

KEY WORD for ME is  "MONEY" to fix his lawn mower?

This is what we go through......after the lawn mower is running it will be something else. 

Bum Knee

Tom's been suffering from a bum knee lately ..... He has a doctor appointment set up for that but in the mean time it's slowed him down some.

He cut some poplar poles for trapping and has been shaving the bark off them..... That bought some time for me to work on my out side chore list.......

Last night we had Tom's two sisters and husband out for a fish fry..... Tom was in a good mood but easily lost in conversation.  Even though we all..... including him..... enjoyed the meal and the company...he was exhausted when they left.  He went straight to bed.   

Isn't it funny how animals can sense when something is wrong..... Each one of our girls react to different needs......

Tom said he sat at the kitchen table last night for a while because his knee hurt so bad.... Sarah got up with him and laid at his feet till he came back to bed.  That's not like Sarah! 

We haven't been getting any much need rain.  Things are slow to turn green..... My challenge of late is making sure Tom doesn't decide he needs to burn the tall dead grass on the edge of our yard/woods?  He has mentioned it once..... That put me on the alert!!!!!!

Yard Work Day!

Today was yard work day..... I had a list of the things I wanted to get done as I can only work on these projects when Tom is busy and doesn't need me???  Okay since that doesn't happen often I haven't gotten anything done on my list yet.......

Tom decided he was going to barrow the neighbors trailer and go down the road and get dirt for our 

 front yard...... Whew!    He won't need me for that.......

 So the girls all ran ahead of us as we pulled the trailer with the 4-wheeler.  It was only about a mile down the old woods road behind our place.... Tom had the loggers push up some dirt for him when they logged there last fall.

I couldn't believe my eyes when Sarah jumped in the river with her sisters when we crossed the bridge.... I feel pretty lucky to have 4 dogs who all love to swim..... They had so much fun running and splashing through every mud puddle they seen.

Didn't take us long to fill the trailer with dirt.... Tom said I shovel like an old women but I just informed him that  I am an old women...... Besides I wasn't the one stopping after every other shovel of dirt to take a break and I wasn't the one breathing like i just run a marathon..... Old Women.... huh!

We hauled six loads of dirt total... we put the girls in the house to rest on the last few loads.... They were pooped out from all the fresh air and running and playing.....

I gave Tom a hair cut before he jumped in the shower and cooked up some grub while he rinsed off the days dirt.  After all five had full bellies they retired for the evening ....... 

 Now....How do I keep all five of them from bringing that dirt into the house? 

We've Got Fish!

Tom was invited to join my daughter and her husband fishing yesterday.... as usual it was spur of the moment and not out of bed yet....... his feet hit the ground and out the door.

This was a different spot... not as far to drive.  The girls and I hung out in the van..... Talked to a Border Patrol that came cruising through.... He heard the dogs but didn't see me.

I didn't get time to make and bring coffee or lunch but my daughter brought me her electronic hand held game thing-y.....after a nap I decide to see if I could figure out how it worked......

Didn't take long before I was playing word games against a timer...next thing I knew Tom  appeared below the hill where they launch the boats......they had their limits.

Tom was happy he had fish but I'm afraid he burned his bridges with them taking him fishing again....... (he took their fish too) I can't say I blame them......

This disease changes who they are/were......... I call him my problem child these days.  I love him even when he's naughty...... he can't help that his brain is broke.
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I can see this is going to be a lonely journey.... Tom breaks every relationship I mend.  I'm running out of bandades........It's not his fault but it is such a hard disease to understand as it changes the person who has it. 

There's days I don't like him either and would rather not share the same space.... But I still love him and understand it's the disease not him....

Right now he is where he wants what he wants and if he can will just take it justifying it by saying.... I want it.

That's the short version... he can go on and on with a big temper tantrum too..... I hear he was good at it as a boy.  He ALWAYS won.  Hmmmm!

So I am coming up with a new vocabulary that does not include the words...NO and CAN"T and any words that are related in any way..... yet  manage to divert the situation without a demonstration on his part........

ummmm....... I'm still working on it. 

The Rest Of The Story....

Okay... the rest of the story ...... "Gone Fishing".

I had this brilliant idea of tying the girls on a long rope to a tree.... NO not together but all on their own tree.

I had all three on a rope as I let them out of the van...... Now none of them have ever been on a rope or leash really.  So they all decided to run and explore......

The next thing I know I am on the ground ....... wound in rope around my feet, ankles, legs and body....... Lilly is on top of me licking my face and Emily is sitting on the near by bench wagging her tail and watching me struggle to get out of the mess..... Emily had slipped her collar.

That's when I decided we should all just hang out in the van for the day... the girls agreed and were happy to hang out in there too.  I'm just glad they can't talk.

Gone Fishing.....

We had a nice anniversary...... laughed about some of the silly things we have done together..... "we've had a good life".   It's so sad that it had to end so soon..... we had so many plans for this part of our life......

Tom seems to be done with trapping now....... he lay in bed drinking his morning coffee..... we were discussing what we were going to do in the yard.

Kel calls and tells Tom the fish were really biting in the river...... LESS than an hour later........

It looked like it was going to be a nice day... I threw some sandwiches together..... thermos of coffee and some pop.  Grabbed Toms fishing gear... and were out the door and down the road inn a flash......

The girls were so excited..... they love going places......it was a 45 minute drive to the Park on the river..... Boats were already in the bay where Tom was going to fish off shore.

 Unfortunately Maggie is the only one with "outside manners"  .......... Outside our property/yard kind of manners.  The other girls aren't aware of the no dogs running loose through the woods law at the park.

  SO the three girls and I hung out in the Van for the day..... we sang songs, told stories and took naps..... Tom and Mag came up the bank from the bay for a bit to eat and to warm up.  The cold north 

 wind decided to blow into the bay....... it was chilly.

 We stayed till 5:00 pm ........Tom gave up when all the boats not far from him were catching fish like crazy and he wasn't even getting a nibble.......

On the way home he thanked me for bringing him and staying..... He wanted me to drop him off and pick him up in the evening......I refuse to do that but I also don't think it's fair that our circumstances should strip everything fun out of our lives.  The girls and I were just fine in the van.....

He admitted he would have been scared if I had just dropped him off.  I knew that...... that is why we all stayed and encouraged him to enjoy himself and stay as long as he wanted.

 The sad part of this story is...... There were people in the boats who knew Tom and could have let him in their boat to catch two lousy fish...... If it was the other way around.... Tom would have done it in a heart beat.....