Welcome December

Welcome December......

There is an almost normal feeling around here lately..... Things are calm, Tom is inter acting..... with people, the dogs and me.

It's been nice. Sandy & I baked Christmas cookies together as Tom sat and watched us all day... actually enjoying it. I can't remember back when our world was always like that.

I pray we stay in this place for awhile.... I was getting a little burned out emotionally.
God knows!

So I am praying for an "old fashion family Christmas" this year.... I miss that......
Singing, giving, helping, sharing....... and FAMILY!

I found my JOY which had been misplaced and am hoping to share it with those that I love.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.......God's Blessings
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The 17th of November I communicated with Tom's Doctors that Tom wanted and NEEDED something but he did not want to take anything he has taken before.

He had become someone I did not want to care for any more... someone I didn't know... mean and belligerent.

After going over what meds Tom had been on an the result of each and what he was like now.... We all came to an agreement to try "celexa"

After a month Tom has transformed back into someone I knew once..... He is once again engaging in life and his disposition is what it once was so long ago.

He still has the deficits that dementia has taken but just to have my "sunshine

" back is the Greatest Christmas present the girls and I could ever hope for.

We call it Our Christmas Miracle.....

Deer Season

Deer season began this past Saturday..... Teddy bought Tommy a license even though Tommy didn't want to shoot a deer.  At least Teddy could take Tommy out road hunting legally even if a shot is never fired.

Well it has been a heart breaking season none the less.....We know any tame deer is fair game during this time.... BUT our doe and fawns should be okay as the field next to us would not be hunted the first week... She is a smart doe and when the gun fire begins she would go into defense mode and stay with in the safe realm of our woods and the neighbors who also hunt else where.

At sun rise there were 3 loud close shots....... our neighbor confirmed some un-invited people shot our doe and wounded a fawn..... Tom had strong words with them and told them to leave......

Needless to say the last little fawn is scared and confused which is driving Tom NUTZ. 

These two men knew the uncle of the people who own this land and needless to say they are all from else where.  The land is posted but decided it didn't pertain to them.......   When they were told the deer were tame they got MOUTHY.... 

This all just reminds me why I like the serenity of the woods but this is where the saying "YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN NOT HIDE" ......... comes into play.

This is her posing for a picture..... I am as close as this looks.....

Turbulance

We have been experiencing some turbulence in our neck of the woods.  It went from nasty weather to the water pump going out in the van with no means to get it fixed, to Gram going into the hospital with chest pain ending up in Duluth by ambulance to find they needed to extract her gall bladder to a mystery infection attacking her body and a mysterious painful, red, swelling of her feet that looked mean and nasty.

This all had a bad effect on Tom which is par for the coarse when some one has dementia.  He wasn't feeling all that safe, secure, warm and fuzzy with all the stressful vibes floating in the air.  The reaction to all this is acting out in a not so nice verbal, temper tantrum throwing, pouting, bad boy way.

Me....?  I so see the scared but naughty "boy" lashing out the only way he knows how to express his fears... a feeling he doesn't understand.
 So I do what you would if it was your child... love him, ignore what you can and reassure him everything is going to be alright.

But until life gets back to "our" norm he will be like a bouncing ball. Lucky for me I have always ducked when a ball was coming my direction so I have that natural instinct and with my cat like reflexes I do well lol

I'll be back when things settle down some but I thought I would update as to where we have been.

BUSTED!!!

Right now I'm a bit UPSET with Tommy Boy!  He always has trapping on his mind....
when the weather is warm I should say.... cold and rain will keep him inside.

He can't set a beaver trap BUT he CAN trap Martin & Fisher.... which the season will soon be upon us.
Every year he wants to set a trap behind our house... every year I tell him no... the girls!
Every year he says they will have to stay in the yard.  Every year I tell him NOT POSSIBLE!!!

Every year he has to set bait out and see if there is any activity... Every year the girls get in it...
I tell him to clean up the site and go test or trap somewhere else.  AND he usually does.....
or NOT if the weather turns crappy by the time the season opens.

Well yesterday this all took place as a seasonal thing...... BUT the results were a little different.

This morning I let the girls out as usual.... I lay on the couch in front of the window as I fully wake up..... The window was open by my face and I was enjoying the fresh fall air that came through......

THAN it changed... the smell in the air!!!  S K U N K!!!!!!  I flew off the couch adrenalin pumping and wide awake now!  I yelled for the girls.  SARAH, LILLY, EMILY!!!!!!!  They all slowly, sheepishly, guilty.... slink-ed toward the house...... Heads down, tails down and ears back..... single file...... "BUSTED"
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Tom's stress test came out fine... no sign of every having a heart attack, blood flow was normal .... no blockage or anything......

We cancelled the sleep apnea test as Tom has been loosing weight and so he has been breathing better at night.

Tom went on a diet after his hospital stay... He said he had to take off all the weight he gained that the pills put on him.... So he quit eating a bag of chips a day, bread with a pound of butter per slice, helpings of food that would feed two people well, candy bars and chocolate assortments of all kinds,...........

In one month he has lost 15 lbs (he says 30 -50... depends on who he told)..... now exercise is NOT required for this diet.  Tom calls it a starvation diet....... NO BODY else could ever do what he is doing... it is brutal!!!!!!

Tom seems so happy inside that he radiates happiness as he has declared himself fit as a fiddle and cured of his dementia.....

He speaks of all the energy he has now... as he sits on the phone or staring out the window talking about all he is going to do that day or already did from his chair at the kitchen table.......?

The weather has been more than great this past month... 70's - 80........ ONE out of four days he might leave the house to go bird hunting on his 4 wheeler....... as he tells every one he goes every day all day long...... AND oh my goodness the birds he has gotten.....

BUT he is happy inside and that's all that counts... he knows his stories are stories but it makes him and convinces himself... he IS OK....

Unfortunately he didn't get back what the disease already claimed and one of them being his filter for inappropriate language..... He over reacts to what he perceives was said and reacts with the foulest mouth I have ever heard in my entire 57 years on this earth....... with pure HATE in his voice... (if the devil had a voice... ummmm ☞ "TOM" )

AND he shares his miss - guided opinions with all who will listen and attack anyone he believes has wronged him in any way......

BUT he is happy and is cured so it's OK... he has always been like that?????

Beautiful Weather - Fun Days

God has blessed us with some wonder fall weather and color..... I convinced Tom to take me on the trails bird hunting...  Gosh... it was like the "good old days"..... I even jumped off and chased down a run away bird through the woods.... It brought back to him the warm fuzzy feelings he had for me so many years ago......

I wasn't MOM the caregiver but the vibrant fun loving silly girl he met so many years ago........ Gosh... we went for miles on these trails.... this is the first year in a while that it has been dry enough to travel this far.....





 
We came upon some unknown trails.... when we seen "private property signs" we would turn around.... well as we were exploring new trails there suddenly appeared a "ghost" like figure of a woman on the trail.... Scared the begeezes out of both of us....

She was dressed all in black silk like clothing.... slipper like shoes...snow white hair pulled back.... very white skin and red lipstick........ she was just standing there.

We stopped and were relieved to see it was a real person.... we apparently wandered onto private property..... she said she was out walking her trails but the woman was out of breath..... ? We apologized and moved on......

Took us a while to recover from that... Oh what an eerie  feeling.......!!!

Tom has been losing some much needed  weight.  His method is madness..... He barely eats.... He put it on by over - eating and now losing it by not - eating.  NOT HEALTHY I know but there is no reasoning with him.

Yesterday we finally cut up and removed the trees that fell in the yard a long while ago....... Everyday was the day..... so I wasn't sure if it was going to happen that day or if TOMORROW would be a better day.

Tom got up around 9 AM as he has been doing for a month now..... He sat at his spot at the table ... drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, takes his pills..... makes phone calls to see what everybody is doing.......stares out the window..... nodding off ......TODAY IS THE DAY!!! he says.

I'm ready... dressed, cleaned up the house, picked up sticks in the yard... kept coming in to see if Tom would soon be out.... NOPE!!! still sitting there........

I went out and started working on the insulation in the garage.... soon he calls me in for a cup of coffee....... he is slowly putting on cloths... he has a tee shirt on now and socks.

It's around noon now.... I'm trying not to get pissy  but I can't stand wasting all this time.....  Tom is still declaring he is going to cut up those trees.

"I don't know how I should do it" he says.  "Chunk them up and I'll stack it for outside fires or cut longer lengths and I'll pull then into the woods with the 4-wheeler" is what I suggested.

 It was just days before he was telling me he was going to have a big old fire and burn them all up.....For #1... there are burning restrictions on..... and #2... he has told me over and over since we have lived here and even recently.... "they won't burn"

For heavens sake...HE IS A LOGGER... CUT THE DAMM TREES UP AND I WILL DEAL WITH THE REST!!!!!  Ummmmm I said that under my breath.

OH MY... it was after 12 noon and he finally put his jeans on and I helped him with his boots.  We were going to do it!!!!! My heart is pounding.. it's going to happen....

I go outside and wait for him... and wait.. and wait....

FINALLY he came out..... we headed over to the trees... he is just kinda looking the situation over?   "Tom... cut off a chunk and I'll drag it in the woods."  He did and I did..... It wasn't long and we had all the trees gone from the yard.....

We went in and "had coffee" ...... I convinced him to cut up a cedar that had fallen over one of my trails in the woods....... I could see he about had it with the activity all in one day BUT I PUSHED IT...... "ahhh one more little tree honey?"  Well that was way over the top ..... as he cut this little poplar for me he started sucking all the fun out of our day.  "Now my new chain is dull..... blah blah blah blah..... He went to the house and I went to the garage......

Soon I hear... I made fresh coffee..... I went in just to make sure he had survived all that activity.... He was back in his chair at the kitchen table and that is where he stayed planted for the remainder of the day...... smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee and calling people to see what they are doing.......

STRESS Test.....

Tom had his stress test...... which so far they said his heart looked good.  I haven't heard the full report yet.

We were not expecting it to be such a long drawn out ordeal BUT on the other hand.... Tom said he wouldn't have gone if he had known that......

I'm sure some found him entertaining as he would nod off and start his hand movements..... the one where he "mimes" smoking a cigarette is kinda obvious.   Other times when he would reach his hand out I would take it and hold it like that was his intentions.... I don't think we fooled anybody....

While it took Tom a little longer to come out of the "drug induced" part the Dr. rambled about sleep apnea....... Tom puts his own little twist on the story but in a positive way and has agreed to go to his testing.... yippee!!!! I am so excited about that little adventure.  Hope they give me a bed.... I don't do well in those really big comfortable looking recliners covered in vynal...... I have a tendency to slide out the bottom?

Tom actually THANKED everyone with sincerity when we left..... so I decided to take that guy home with me as I haven't seen him around in a long time..... kinda missing him........BUT once the van was in motion and we were headed home I soon realized "AL" ( Mr. Alzheimer) was messing with me....... and Tom was gone.

Since Tom's hospital stay he has lost 18 lbs, goes for walks everyday, cut up the trees that are down in our yard, worked on the garage..... went bird hunting.....
all from his kitchen chair.  He's an amazing man...... wished I could do that!

Update

Fall came to us with a blast of brutal reality ....... The temps have been hovering in the 80's forever...... than yesterday it turned on us..... in the middle of the day.....the old north wind brought some pretty cold stuff  pushing the warmth of the summer out of here.  The big old dark clouds of fall rolled around  in the sky like tumbleweeds blowing in the dessert........

Tom sits in his chair at the table... leaning forward to rest his belly in his lap.... cup of coffee freshly made sits to the side of his ashtray where a cigarette rests burning while Tom tells someone on the phone in his gruff excited voice..... "yah and it's suppose to snow tomorrow too!

AHHH Geeze.... he neglected to tell "ME" so I can put the lawn mowers away and dig out the snow shovels and blower...... Tom seems to go for "drama" these days... as I listen sometimes to him talking into this newly attached appendage on his ear. 

He mostly calls everybody to see "what are you doing?"  But he also loves it if he has some drama to tell... like it's going to snow!!!!    He neglected to say the weather man used the word "flake" with the word snow.

Toms health has improved some since he finally decided to listen to me some.....
"coffee is not a fluid.... there is Gatorade in the fridge. ( he won't drink water...juice..)
You have Charley Horses because your potassium is low (tested at the hospital" )DRINK !!!!! "

"Your feet are swollen because you don't walk...... Tom... sitting in your chair is not an exercise..... nor is riding the 4-wheeler.   YOU NEED TO WALK!"

His phone conversations go like this..... "I've only eaten a few green beans and a little piece of chicken..... NOPE... that's all.... I have to loose all this weight the pills put on me...... yep!.... I drank some Gatorade and ate some raisins... they are suppose to be good for you..... I've been working in the garage all day... I just came in for a cup of coffee....."  OH MAN... I have way more energy since I quit taking them pills and my back and legs are getting better every day...."

I got the wires run in the garage... I had an electrician friend stop in and tell me what to do.... The day I run them Tom came out to the garage... yes he walked.....  took "his position" in the garage..... he has a table and chair out there.

I ran the wires as Tom sat at the foreman's table... "Now mark the wire that goes to the breaker box with the word HOT"..... I let out a sigh of relief when I heard snoring behind me.....

So that is pretty much how the inside of the garage is going.... when I get close to being done with something he will say he needs to go take a little five and heads for the house.... later he informs everyone he calls of the progress HE has made on the garage.

I do chuckle to myself as the snoring is a dead give away behind me when he is trying to look like he is coaching me.  I have tried to get him to cut a board or hold something in place for me but he says "take a brake" and the break never gets over so I go back to work and he goes back to sleep.

I have adjusted (AS HIS CAREGIVER) to the way he has become.... others still hang onto the hope of what he tells them to be true..... I have had to let go of trying to convince them that the disease is taking him down this path NOT me doing everything for him..... nor the "pills" .......

The wind knocked down five trees in our yard...... everyday he is going to cut them up......
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9-18-11

Tom had a follow up visit with his own Dr. from his Hospital visit......  I had the hospital fax the records from that stay to Tom's Dr..... and because I have to watch what I say I sent a report to his Dr. ahead of his visit......

It really helps to do this as the Dr. can cut through the bull and I don't get my head bit off..... OKAY... I DID!   ....... get my head bit off.

I SAID..." Tom struggles for air when he sleeps at night and has periods of not breathing."  hence a sleep study test.  It went down hill from there..... starting with a nice word " LIAR! "

Tom IS doing fine.... all his physical/health problems stem from his inability to get off his butt........  smoking, lack of fluids, exercise and sodium intake......

Tom IS doing his best to help himself BUT the disease limits his ability to follow through.

Tom has a stress test coming up to see the heart is fine.... the Dr. doesn't think we will find anything there but we must make sure........

There are times in life when everything you attempt will seem to go wrong. Your faith may be strong and your commitment deep, yet adversity will come knocking on your door. The power of prayer will strengthen and stabilize you. But you can't pray away life's seasons. God has a purpose for not allowing you to be fruitful all the time. Real growth requires seasons of struggle as well as seasons of success

                                                                              ANONYMOUS

Field Trip.......

Friday Tom and I went on a field trip.....It wasn't a planned trip but we've always been known for our "spontaneity"  ...........it certainly was NOT what I had planned for the day.  I figured that was my first mistake to mentally plan my day..... Tom has a way of ALWAYS making a drastic change in MY plans.... not intentionally..... it's just "par" for the disease.

I had RUN to town and got some needed items and hurried back.....  Tom usually sleeps the morning away so we were good there.  I planned on doing some house cleaning as in changing sheets, laundry....... when I do this I seem to have a bigger mess than usual?

Now Tom on the other hand got up when I got home and posted himself in his one and only spot he sits when he is not in his bed.... the kitchen table.... from there he drinks coffee, smokes cigarettes and calls everybody he can think of to see what they are doing.....

Well that day was Toms 3rd day where his feet and legs were puffy from water retention...... I have seen this in different severity on other people but it was something new to him and he was "upset" about it......

After some nudging from others I took him to the clinic.... There we run into our Neighbor Norm.... sitting in a wheel chair being pushed by his wife.

It appeared Ol' Norm fell off a ladder and broke his foot..... so while waiting to see the Dr., Tom & him joked back and forth and I of coarse scolded him for being on a ladder.

Tom was shortly called in to see the Doctor on call.  He was new to us... He was young and OH BOY... to the point kind of guy....

Swollen feet... shortness of breath... chest pressure?..... He gave Tom a nitro pill and after a long search they found an aspirin in the clinic which has a pharmacy to give him as ordered by the doctor while he was waiting for a chest x-ray......

That was followed by an EKG and shortly there after, Tom was asked if he would like to go to the hospital by ambulance or have his wife take him?
 
I said "WHAT? ..... ARE YOU SERIOUS?????"......... The only exam he did was looked at his feet..... didn't listen to his lungs OR heart?

Tom was admitted for observation.......or do I say Tom & I ....... yep... I always said we were like a pair of shoes... where one goes the other on follows........

Tom was charming.... the nurses love him..... they poked needles in him.... hooked wires all over him.... checked vitals OFTEN.... weighed him 2-3 times..... gave him pills and shots...... drew blood periodically.... did ekg's ........

By the middle of the night Tom was getting tired of NOT getting to sleep.  When they were not bothering him he was getting up to pee because of the diuretic they gave him.

That's when the cigarette craving HIT him..... he was going out for a smoke.....I was able to calm him down till morning.  A different Tom was now there patient. 

I AM GOING HOME AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME!!!!!! 

I kept him as compliant as I could.  Warned the nurses NOT to play into his disgruntle attitude.  I could deal with him..... They were grateful......

They drew me from the room to chat with the Dr........ A She Doctor this time...... We discussed what was going on with Tom and why.......

She then came in and talked to Tom about his health..... and set his discharge in motion..... Tom unhooked his wires, got dressed and went out for a cigarette.....
Of coarse I stayed with him and the nurses just smiled as we passed...... They were great!

We soon were able to leave ..... "GET ME HOME!!!!!" was all he had to say.........

Our girls?....... Daughter Sanj & her son Mitch spent the night with them.... I guess it was quiet the sleep over with them all sprawled on the floor together..... Sanj said she now understands why I don't get much sleep/  lol
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Unfortunately Tom's symptoms are a result of the damage the disease is doing to his brain....  I understand the confusion some people have over the fact Tom is convincing in his stories and goes out of his way to prove there is nothing wrong with his memory as he and everyone else feel there can't be anything wrong because he "can remember"...............and his stories ARE convincing.

HELLO!!!!!!! To those who have NOT bothered to learn anything about Alzheimer or any related dementia live in the false belief we are discussing "MEMORY ISSUES ONLY"

With Alzheimer,  memory is one of the first symptom that makes you realize what the issue might be..... That's usually after living with and dealing with or not , with the behavior changes that creep in ........

What else you might not know IS that the first symptoms of dementia start out looking like Alzheimer and as it progresses the symptoms than appear or not that points to a variant of another dementia and or an entirely different one.....

Diagnosis is largely made by an experienced neurologist base on symptoms......and what skills and functions they are losing....  and in what order.

ALL dementias take you down the same basic road of loss of brain function to the point of death.  Rate at which one travels this journey varies...... the path it takes through ones brain varies.....medication to help through the symptoms varies....... What is inevitable is DEATH.

So that is where we are..... The parts of Tom's brain that is damaged by what ever dementia Tom has, which now is appearing to be different than Alzheimer or a variant of another with it..... What ever the case is the result of the diseases is .......  apathy, sleep issues, anger issues, inability to reason, lack of judgment, he shadows....... the list goes on BUT for all that he has lost,  his memory is better (BUT not good) than it should be if it was Alzheimer...... and his stories are SO BELIEVABLE!

So what is killing him?  In the past year he quit doing what little he was that may have given him some exercise.... He now walks from his bed to the kitchen table and the bathroom.  (We have a small home)..... out side he gets on his 4-wheeler that he parks by the door to go anywhere in the yard......

He has a cigarette in his mouth day and night except for when food or drink is going in his mouth.  When he can't breath he grabs a cigarette, same with chest pain or anything else......

The rest should be self explanatory.... No oxygen =- heart damage = heart failure.....

No exercise = XYZ  

The results of the tests at the hospital showed he did NOT have a heart attack or congested heart failure.... his oxygen ran low.....his sodium and potassium were a bit low....... And he more than likely has emphysema as his lungs were diminished.

ON discharge he heard..... No heart attack.. no congested heart failure, the swelling was gone ...... he was in GREAT SHAPE and could go home and smoke all he wanted and drink all he wanted and his salt intake was no big deal.....because he was just fine!  Here is where I bang my head against the wall.

Tom has a follow up with his own doctor, stress test was ordered and a sleep apnea study.  All we can do is see where this takes us..... You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink........

Tom blames his weight gain on medications.....

He went on Aricept in 2007..... his weight gain started 5/26/10 he weighed 223 lb and by 9/17/10 he weighed 240 lb.......4/21/11 he weighed 261 lbs  and now weighed out at 271 with water weight included........

His other meds that he claims put on ALL the weight was started in Jan. of 2011

Dog Days Of Summer......

The girls were not impressed with the heat of the summer and the biting bugs that flourished from it.....

They were content to hibernate with us as long as I had plenty of raw hides to chew on.... when they dare to go out for a breather they ended up finding a place to bask in the sun till they relented and returned to the comforts of the house with us......

Now that the temps are more seasonal and the biting bugs have reached the end of their cycle the girls are taking in the out door actives with all they have.

They have playing with the snakes,

turtles, 

catching mice, 

chasing squirrels, chewing sticks, and swimming

They tried to take this tree down to catch the squirrel in it...... 

we dropped the tree for their safety as it looked like they were going to succeed with that agenda.....

The girls have all become a shadow to me as is Tom so I have learned to STOP, TURN , and WAIT till my followers all move to the rear before I proceed to move forward.....

I've taken a few dirty headers by just suddenly turning and trying to keep going.  Than Tom just stood there and laughed as all four girls pounced on me "in fun"..... but they aren't little lap puppies so it's not too fun being on the bottom of that pile.

As fall approaches I have been spending as much time as I can out doors too as winter seems so long.....  I have had the grand kids out for visits some now that we can take our activities out doors.  That seem to bother Gramps a lot less......

Tom has been kinda like a yo-yo lately so we all just go with it.... some days are good and enjoyable and others are not so much fun..... but where ever Tom is on the string the girls and I still make the best of each and every day........ we don't let the disease take that from us too!

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Guess I missed July's Update.....  Probably because there isn't  much change.

At Tom's request and the encouragement of those that stay in touch with him but don't have to care for him and put up with his behavioral issues which is common and typical of this disease, have backed off on some of his behaviors meds which helped me stay safe and keep him in the realms of our 30 acres.  He feels better he says in the fact he is more alert WHEN he does get up and more energy which only puts him back on his 4-wheeler and out of the safety of our home.

I totally understand the people who love Tom don't like to see him in a calm submissive state because it is so out of character from who he was...... BUT what they do NOT get is that he IS NOT who he was.......  AT ALL.  Not even kind-a.

I know they do not realize they are putting him in danger and me.  They make excuses for his behavior not wanting to accept what is but that is not helping him or me.......

Anyway.... here is a little story that took place last evening......

Tom was out bumming around on his 4-wheeler most of the day.  He popped in now and then just to take off again to who knows where.  I don't.......

I'll take a moment here to respond to those that say I need to make him stay in the yard... do what you have to to keep him off the 4-wheeler.

Well A.... I had that problem solved peacefully with meds.  KEY word HAD!

         B.... Have you ever tried to stop a train?

         C.....Have you ever stirred up a hornets nest?

I'll leave you to ponder that.....

Back to story......

SO..... around 5:00 p.m....... Tom came in the house chuckling.  The "old couple"  down the road had some guy with a small boat pulling their pontoon boat from their place to the landing close to our place......

He was chuckling because he thought it was going to really funny to sit on the bridge and watch them struggle to get that pontoon boat loaded on the trailer.

Now the "Old Lady for some ? reason does not like Tom.  The Old Man is Tom's buddy.  The other guy with the small boat is some Good Samaritan who offered to help this Old Couple get their pontoon out of the water.

SO I asked to go watch the ordeal with him.  He was happy to have someone along to laugh with him.  (NOT MY INTENTION).....  Birds eye view from the bridge.

Soon the little boat came around the corner of the river pulling the pontoon boat into sight.  The Old Lady (respectively) was on the pontoon and the Old Man was in the small boat.....

I seen trouble arising as they were nearing the landing.... "Should we go help them?"  I asked?  "I don't know if we should or not"  was his answer.  "I think we should... it's what God would want us to do".... I replied.

He responded to that and and drove us down to the landing.  They threw Tom the line from the pontoon.... He looked confused but I figured he was okay because he only had to hang on to it.....

I pulled the small boat to shore so the men could get out..... I had to help the Old Man who was not very stead on his feet.  I grabbed hold of him to steady him as he was stepping out... teasing him that he was on his own if he fell in the river.

The Old Man went to back his truck and trailer down the ramp.  Tom continued to hold the rope not really knowing what to do.  It could have been tied to tree......

The Old Man released the rope and hook from the trailer to attach to the pontoon to pull the pontoon onto the trailer.  There it lay..... We then had Old Lady sitting on the pontoon... Tom standing there holding a rope .... the Good Samaritan in his boat, trying to pull the pontoon back into the water to line it up on the trailer....

This is where I realized Tom was not barking orders at me to help him get the pontoon lined up etc...... he was standing there NOT knowing what to do.

I jumped into action and went into the water up to my waist to hook the rope to the pontoon and releasing the one Tom was holding and then guide it over some posts on the trailer ........ The Old Man pulled ahead and the pontoon was loaded........

The reason I am telling this story is to point out how Tom did not know what to do.... if he got in trouble on the trails .... weather he got stuck or broke down.... HE WOULD NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!

I think I will end here.... I think the rest is self explanatory to anyone who still has a full deck......  Tom is missing way to many cards to be out playing any more.  And I think he is out of wild cards too.

GOOD-BYE To July Heat......

Not a whole lot going on in Tom's world these days.... I hear he is bored........ during his awake hours.   Wishes he had something to do...... I asked him the other day what he would like to do.  He said..  "I don't know"  I suggested he give me a hand with some of my chores.... He wasn't wanting to do that so once we had that clarified I just tune him out like you do your children that are diving you crazy because they are bored.

I on the other hand am not bored.  I have too much to do on a daily bases to take care of the five of them.... None are much help and they all feel free to make as big of a mess that they want....... and demanding!

That doesn't mean I don't have any fun or enjoyment in my life.  Just the other day, to Tom's annoyance, I had a couple of my "granddaughters" (cousins.... both 10 years old) out for a visit.  Those two never run out of anything to say.  OH MY.....So to give Ol' Gramps a break I sent them out to pick some wild raspberries.

They played with the girls "dogs" ....... did cartwheels in the grass ........ well one of them did cart wheels and flips.... the other did "egg rolls".... that's what she called what she was doing.......lol.   They drew on my white board..... 

and giggled & chattered some more......

I seen  Ol' Gramps crack a smile or two when he thought no one was looking.  I don't care what is ailing you... the sound of children bring warmth, joy and laughter to your heart.

July has been pretty warm so we haven't done any more on the Garage for now..... cooler days ahead.......  Everyday Tom tells someone on the phone he is going out to do the wiring in the garage today......  reminds me of the movie "Ground Hogs Day".   One day we will do it for real.... I wonder what he will tell folks than?

Tom has this obsession about mowing our 1/4 mile driveway ditch on both sides and across the county road.... he likes to mow from our place to the next....... I think I have mentioned this before in other blogs.......

Well the ditches finally dried up enough to mow them..... problem was the ditch growth was 6 feet high...... Tom whacked at it a few times with the rider but the frustration was too much for him...... SOOOOO I took my handy - dandy push mower and challenged the ditch growth.... I am not one to give up easily.

The tall growth..... the steep ditch sides..... biting deer flies, the unrelenting heat..... and even getting to close to a wasp nest....

 

AND getting stung didn't stop me. IT IS DONE.... AND LOOKS DARN GOOD!

Tom who has not once attempted to mow our big lawn that he created and insists on keeping  mowed........ managed to mow the ditch that is NOT ours across the county road from us.........CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!   I just shake my head and chuckle...... 

 Those who know this disease personally do!  Get it that is.

Surviving The Heat?

For those who are curious what is happening in our neck of the woods.... well not much.  Heat index has been around 95 to 100 with high humidity.  Now that is nothing for some but it's not any where our norm.

We are comfortable though laying around in our cave.  We have a small air conditioner in our bedroom window, quilts on all the windows and 10 fans blowing throughout the house.

We are eating cold sandwiches and cereal..... no lights on as they give off heat..... and the girls are quite satisfied with chewing on raw hides for entertainment.

Tom is handling this quite well so far.  He went out twice in an attempt to go for a 4-wheeler ride but was soon back again soaking wet from sweat.  He hasn't tried that again since.

OH YAH... and this is Northern Minnesota so if this unusually hot weather doesn't get you the over abundance of deer flies, mosquitoes, horse flies and little black biting flies will eat you alive..... Apparently they love this weather.

Me & Big Red Went Muddin'

So as I take on the last of Tom's jobs and claim them as mine because I have way too much time on my hands.......   At least that is what Tom keeps pointing out to me.

I am learning where the riding lawn tractor can and can not go.....  I made the mistake of thinking I could just mow where I have seen him mow and I KNOW I didn't mow it with my push mower when it was my only lawn job with the weed whacking too of coarse.

I realize now that one must take in the consideration of the amount of rain we have been having along with the ground saturation ratio verses run off.  In short .... stay away from low lying areas as it has been raining more on then off since spring sprung and what we call yard is now runner up for the label swamp.   I think there is a fine line there.

Well I was really getting the hang of it..... avoiding trees..... stumps..... roots sticking out of the ground and pot holes.  I was thinking... hmmm.. I could like this part of the job... kind of relaxing when you hit a spot of open ground with none of the above obstacles.   "*&^$$&*&* what did I just run over?   

Unfortunately the 4-wheeler is not running well.......I have been hoping # 1 SON will soon find it in his "life time" to come fix it.  BUT I did have the phone on me so I ended up calling my 80 year old neighbor to bring his wheeler over to pull me out of "the swamp".........

Fortunately soon after I had the 4 swamp puppys in the house and myself showered and recognizable once again it started to rain...... heavy at times.... all night too... in fact it is still raining this morning...... Old Red should look as good as new with the nice rain bath it is getting.

The GArage Is Done......

Thursday the 23rd of June, Teddy finished the Garage....  He is headed home  for now and hopefully will return to finish out the inside this fall. 

Yesterday Tom spent most of the day sitting in the garage.  When I would check on him... he was just sitting there. He said he'd like to do something but didn't know what.  I told him to just sit there and enjoy his garage and I'll do the rest.  He was content with that.

The next time I checked on him, he was in the same chair with a measuring tape measuring ?   I asked what he was doing and he said  "just figuring something out" ..........  I said "OK" and left hoping I didn't walk through any imaginary wall or trip over some imaginary table or bench....... He didn't yell at me so I must have made a clean exit.

Once again... Thank You to all that helped putting this Garage together.  At least now when he gets up he has a place to go outside that's not too far away and I can keep a close eye on him......

The Building Begins

The garage construction took off nicely.... We (Teddy, Tom and me) had three walls up the first night....

Pretty sore the next day we called in Sandy and her young boys...... We got up the front wall and rafters before we called it a day.......

With the help of the boys the sheeting, wrap and windows went in  before we called it a day......

Boy that don't sound too bad .......The truth is Teddy is only three months into healing a busted up shoulder from a motor cycle accident....  Tom has a bad hip and smashed hand to even hold sheeting.... Sandy weighs about 90 lbs and I am just plain a mess......  Sandy's boys are 14 and 11.  

So I would say  "God had a hand in this"...... I just hope he sends some young, strong, scrappin' guys to sheet and shingle the roof....... The three of us aren't doing too well.

Tom gets off his chair every once in awhile to attempt to try to help but soon returns as his chair to shout out orders to us lowly laborers or is that go-fors?  He says he feels so helpless not being able to get right in there and help build.....

If you read ANY of my past blogs about Tom and building..... Let's just say we are all glad he is not able to physically help us but because you have to love this guy, we all pray it is temporary.
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6-16-11

All winter Tom sat at the table staring out the window at the GARAGE TO BE.  He wondered every day if it would really happen.  ( I have read that negative thoughts "it's not going to happen..... they won't show up... it won't be ready.... why does everything happen to me..... etc ARE par for the coarse of this disease.)

In March Tom called around for estimates for the supplies it would take to build his "dream garage".   He decided on where he would buy his lumber and we went and paid for it in full even though he knew it would a few months before construction could begin.

He kept telling everybody that him and I could build it ourselves.  There was a day when we could have but not now.  His TWIN BROTHER Teddy offered to put it up.  He so generously put his life aside to come put up the garage for Tom.

Our friend and neighbor did the dirt work ...... People who knew and loved Tom could see him slip sliding away and this was a dramatic attempt to get his engine restarted.

Living with Tom I knew it was the disease doing what it does best and there just isn't anyway in hell to stop it. 

As the project got off the ground Teddy and others are seeing that there is NO WAY to cut through the fog and destruction this horrific disease has caused in his brain.  It isn't depression, it isn't boredom, it isn't lack of resources...... it is the disease.

It's called apathy

noun

 indifference, lack of interest, lack of enthusiasm, lack of concern, unconcern, uninterestedness, unresponsiveness, impassivity, dispassion, lethargy, languor, ennui; rare acedia.

That is just one part of his brain that has deteriorated to the point of no return.

I see and feel the pain others are feeling as they see his obvious losses.  I put it in the same place I put all my pain from the losses I have experienced through all this.  One day a time will come and I will be able to mourn freely of the love (TOM) I had and lost.  I know and trust that God will see me through the after as he is seeing me through the now of one of the most horrific diseases that exist.

Today I rarely see the love I once seen in his eyes for me..... now I see a dead stare as he has been watching me.... It gives you a creepy eerie feeling as the eyes that are watching your every move are cold and dark.  "Why are you staring at me?"  I'll ask.  He looks away but does not answer.  Soon I notice he is doing it again.

Last night was a heart breaking realization to me as it was the 7th and final game for the Stanley Cup....... I pay for the biggest pkg. of Dish Network so Tom can get hockey games and I payed extra for the NHL channel......the last thing he still held an interest in......

Last night he lay on the bed to watch the game and every time I went to check on him he was sleeping?

Hopeless and Helpless is what I feel today.... an over all sadness as I watch his brother put shingles on the roof of the garage he is building for his brother...... his excitement and enthusiasm is gone.

I'm sure he is asking himself why is he doing this.... Tom won't be out here anyway......

The Slab Is Done......

The "GARAGE" is moving right along ...... I'd like to say smoothly but with Tom trying to be the pit boss he is making it go more like bumpy.

He ordered the rafters to be delivered BEFORE the dirt work was done and the slab poured.... SO the BIG TRUCKS had to maneuver  in a small area to get turned around........ He was probably just testing their abilities to do so.  

He did plant himself ON the rafters so it gave them a little more reason to not back over them or come to think of it ........ more challenging to NOT run over them.... J/K

The slab was poured and is looking good.   

Tom ordered ALL the stuff for the garage to be delivered except the insulation and sheet rock......  Sure hope the rain doesn't cause too much damage before we start to build.....

It's probably a good thing that his back slows him down and his hand is out of commission for awhile......  I'm thinking nobody would be safe with a nail gun in his hands......

Starting The Garage

June already.... The dirt work for the garage started yesterday.  Twin Brother Teddy with gimpy arm (motor cycle accident) is here to put it up.  We already had one accident which left Tom with a bum hand so now he won't be much help..... darn it.

We have been waiting forever for the road limits to go off our county road.  That was Wednesday the 1st...... So Dick brought out his dozer to do the dirt work.   Well than rain and other business had Dick busy...

Tom thought he'd get a head start anyway I guess so...... He got up early the next morning.... slipped right into the shower and was dressed in a blink of an eye.
Hmmmm? I wondered ....... what is he doing?  It wasn't long before the pieces fell together. 

It was raining and wet out but Tom didn't seem to notice.... "I thought I'd go get started on the dirt work."   he said.   "OH GOOD IDEA!"  I said with much enthusiasm in my voice knowing the key wasn't there. 

So out the door he went..... skipping all the way to the dozer..... Well in his heart he was skipping but I guess to watch him it was more of a fast hobble.  He looked high and low for the key..... 

than slowly made his way back to the house dragging his chin.   No key... no dozing.... he spent the rest of the day staring out the window.

Tom would call Dick everyday to see if today was the day....... Well yesterday when Tom called Dick to see if  "today was the day" even though Dick said the night before that it was...... Dick said he was out of town at Sams Club......  "OH BOY"  That didn't sit well with Tom.   Than Dick said...."Just Kidding"

When Dick & Pat showed up .... each with a load of dirt..... it finally seemed real.  I said to Dick..... "I bet you'll be glad to get Tom off your back!"  Dick started laughing and express the irritation that was building as he said in 3 days Tom had called 9 times to see if today was the day ...... This is while Dick & Pat were working 12-13 hour days.

Dirt was moved.... gravel hauled in.... leveled and tamped.......Today the concrete guys will form up the slab and if all goes right the slab will be poured on Monday.

Family Visit

What a lovely spring day.... I have big plans for my small flower bed.  My girls gave me flowers for Mothers Day and I have done some rearranging and some expanding.

As my world grows smaller I make my limited space as cheery as I can.  Adding all the elements I love to my confined space in hopes to keep my spirits up as I head in to the fog of this disease. 

The road ahead looks scary and lonely..... for me.  As Tom slips deeper into the world that lay ahead of him, he seems less effected by the change in himself and his life as it was.

I have to reach out for more help as it is not safe to leave Tom alone...... It's an inconvenience for others and their own busy lives I realize.  But I'm not ready for the alternatives yet....... nor is he.

He shows signs of a continual decline but I am quick to recognize, accept and adjust quite quickly,  taking only a short time to tuck away the pain for now and to grieve another day..... He needs me NOW  in the best frame of mind that I can muster up.  No it is NOT easy by no means but I can make a mental choice..... He can't.

I invited family out as Tom misses them and I felt they need to see the decline as it happens so they aren't suddenly shocked.  So they can understand the choices I make and do the things I do.

It was a sad day for them... back to ignorance is bliss.  He can sound better on the phone than what he actually is.  I need the people that are the closest to me to see the reality of the word in which we live.  We won't be the only people in their lives to experience this and in some small way maybe my experiences will be a guide for them.

With Alzheimer's.... Knowledge Is Your Friend & Tool For Survival..... Ignorance will surely lead you to an early grave......

WANTED...Sitter For Big Boy : )

Tom's back has been giving him some grief this past week.  That worked in my favor as my back is really messed up and I need to be going to the Chiropractor.

It is now not safe to leave Tom home alone even if he is sleeping as he has been blinking in and out of his world and the one as we all know it....  meaning he has taken up wandering.  Sometimes I think I would like his world better...... lol

So we are now going to the chiropractor together and he keeps us together working on one and than the other.  But when I got to the grocery store after our appointments I wasn't sure what to do with Tom.

Deciding it was a bad idea to leave him in the van and chancing him wandering off I convinced him to come in the store with me.  Okay... that wasn't a good idea either so I found out.

He headed with radar to all the junk food he likes and was filling the cart.  Oh man... chips (6 bags) pop, corn dogs (boxes), side pork, pizza.......$100.00 later after slipping some things back on the shelf we retreated back to our little sanctuary in the woods.

I wonder how he would do with a sitter...... Big Boy Sitter that is.  : )

'OH SHIT'

We had an "OH SHITTT" day this past week....... You know... when you watch something happening in what seems like slow motion and there is nothing you can do to stop it.... so you sit there watching helplessly while saying.... "OH SHITTT!!!"

Well we needed to have our fiberglass septic tank pumped and I stress the word NEED.  I know you have to fill the tank back up with water to keep the tank from floating above ground.  I decided to use the water in our cistern for that and the water guy would follow later that day to fill me back up.......

Well it didn't go that smoothly... I had 300 gals of water in the tank when we seen the ground cracking ever so slowly around the tank.... than dirt started to fall into spots around it..... our tank was floating out of the ground.  Thats when I said "OH SHITTTT"

Lucky for a quick thinking neighbor who brought over some planks and parked his diesel truck on top the tank.....

That was all good but than I seen the pipe from the house had separated from the tank......  No I didn't say  "OH SHIT'"again... ..... I said "Oh boy...What am I going to do now?"

You have to realize that Tom is sitting in the house watching out the window not all that concerned.  "clueless!"

Well Dick helped me put it all back together... I ended up being the one in the trench and in the end Dick laughed and said "She got right in the shit and all without hesitation... you'd make a good plummer."    I said "no thanks... I've got a job!"

Time Keeps On Ticking.........

Days go by.... one at a time - but to Tom it's all a blur.  To him April was cold & snowy & wet & he is bored...... can't wait to start building a garage.  And so he waits...... staring out the window...... his eyes are blank..... I ask him a question.... I get no response.....he stares straight ahead but sees and hears nothing......

As the disease progresses and we go where we have never been before....... those who are oblivious to the disease question .... what I am doing to him. 

I have gone through the pain of losing my soul mate, best friend, partner in all things.... yet caring for the person who resides in his body only to get a glimpse now and then of who he once was but never to feel the connection we had when we were one.

To be called MOM by the man who took care of me and to be treated as such with the expectations a child has of a parent. To deal with the rage that was, and the words that spewed from his mouth reach deep into my soul... ripping my heart to pieces.

Now finally we have found a peaceful place to dwell with the help of meds that are being monitored closely by his doctors.....

Is it the meds I am asked that make him the way he is now? 


 ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

**************************************
5/1/11

My body has taken it's toll this past winter... I guess there comes a time in your life when you just have to give up some of the things your younger body could do....

My Mom always said... "the mind is willing but the flesh becomes  weak"...... Myself I say... "the old gray mare she ain't what she use to be.......

No matter the saying I am realizing I need help...... I am seeking the medical attention I need to get myself put back the best it can be but my days of super women are over.... 

Watching my Mom choke on that pill years ago I prepared myself for the inevitable and am taking it like a champ.......  But it isn't stopping me from finding other avenues to still do all I can and enjoy life to the fullest....... when one door closes another one opens for those who seek.......

With Tom in his "own" world and sometimes on his "own" planet... I am trying to move on... move forward.   I'm not sure how.... but I do keep an open eye for opportunities to venture out beyond the gate of  "Tom's World"  as long as he is happy, content and safe.......

I find it hard to take joy in the things we shared...... especially with him right here and him being oblivious to what is ......... He took a big downward spiral in January and I am still trying to adjust to where that left him....... and trying to get those close to Tom to accept where he is........

Most caregivers would take offense to the questions I am asked but I don't feel any anger.... only compassion as I know they are not accusing me but just trying to grasp their minds around something as bazaar as this disease.....  I struggle with it and I am living with it.

The hardest thing to see and accept is how this disease took Tom's "ambition.... get up & go.... his drive.... his want to."  He even asked the Dr. if he could give him a pill to give him his ambition back.....  That was heart breaking......

Now he doesn't carry a conversation.... people say they run out of things to talk about because he just sits there....... if the phone rings at 2:00 in the afternoon and he is still in bed he will say "I just got in from a ride in the woods."  or if someone asks him what he did today... he will mention everything he can remember that I did or someone said they did...... hence "He sounds okay to me"

Tom sleeps till noon or later..... he hallucinates... talks to people that aren't there...... does things (motions) with his hands like he is doing something.... stares out the window for hours...

He is a shell of who he use to be....... Last night the neighbors dropped by for a few minutes...... She asked  "don't you ever get bored or lonely out here?"  I told her "bored????? NO.... lonely???? Yes......

I seen Tom hear and react to that...... guess he was listening..... later he asked me who I get lonely for.  I smiled softly and looked him in the eyes.... "you" I said.  He turned his head and went back to his blank stare.