Christmas Day

Tom sported a smile on Christmas Day......

Sanj & her boys came out to share the day with us.... that was possible because of the love and understanding our family exhibits in response to the special and ever changing needs that this disease requires to make it as least dramatic as we can and yet enjoy life and family to the fullest.

WOW... that was a mouthful..... lol

In other words Tom was okay with and excited about them joining us for Christmas because the boys have exhibited control on past visits as to NOT create a ruckus with the dogs in the house as the dogs are BEGGING for them to tear around with them...   YEP... my girls instigate.....

 

 They took it outside and Grampa watch out the window and so enjoyed watching them play on the snow hills.......

AND Sanj & the boys have so displayed and re-enforced the love and respect they have for him... they are just plain and simple great with him and he feels at ease with them around.

THEREFORE...... it was a win-win day for me : )  

Ho Ho Hoooooo SH***!

I was awaken during the night by the girls making a ruckus.... I looked outside to see a figure in the snow bank... lying next to it was a big red bag.

OH my!  I think Santa fell out of his sleigh..... I could hear sleigh bells over head and mumbling from beneath the snow....  "Come on girls ... give me a hand"  I said. 

We all grabbed ahold of each other with Mag having a grip on Santa.  At the count of three we all pulled and out popped Santa.  We brushed him off as Rudolf and the rest of the reindeer swooped in and picked him up.... With a ho ho ho he was on his merry way.

This was a real exciting event for the girls and me as the only excitement we get around here these days is what ever we create...... or imagine? lol

Tom was a "little" bewildered but soon figured out that the girls got lots of stuffed toys and treats and that's all that mattered to him.....

I TOLD HIM THAT SANTA WAS GOING TO "DROP BY"  

Soon it will be Chrismas Day♬.....

The temps have pulled out of the deep freeze which put us back in the "chances for snow" charts...... We have been getting dusted with snow on a daily bases which is so "pretty" for lack of a better word.

I play Christmas carols when I can get away with it... at times Tom seems to enjoy them..... till I break out singing at the top of my lungs.... then he says... "MOM!" as loud as he can.... that's my cue to SHUT UP.... but it's not long and I forget my self and start in again......or I start dancing.... that's my quiet way of singing......

I wasn't born to be a quiet person....... when I am full of joy I need to release it and there was a time when Tom just laughed at me and said I was funny..... but now I guess it's annoying.  LOL

I love Christmas.... I find it's a time when I feel so..... full of life... full of song.... full of joy.... I can't explain it.  I don't buy presents because our income is so limited....  but I have found there are other gifts to give.....

I have some fun little things up my sleeve to make Tom's  Christmas fun.  He doesn't seem to get that excited over presents this year which is weird to me.....but I have picked up on things that do "tickle" his funny / happy bone.......

All is calm and all is well here at our home in the woods..... but I do have to keep reminding the girls... Santa Is  NOT going to come if they don't behave..... Tom laughs........

Winter Blast....

It stopped snowing and turned 30 below..... We are having way too much winter fun and it's only December.....

The girls are so loving the winter..... playing on the snow mountains and running on the trails I made in the yard with the snow blower.....they just go out more often for shorter times in these deep freeze temps.

Tom does the same thing no matter the weather.... sits at the table and stares outside..... and wishes.

He wishes for the things and the life he once knew...... who he once was and the things he use to do.......

I point out all we still have and the things we CAN still do and all that God has blessed us with to help get us through.....

We have more than many.... acceptance is key... in any given situation that you can not change...... give it to God and he will see you through... that your needs are met and from there it's up to you. (attitude)

We have a rough road ahead and today is as good as it gets but with God in my heart and in my life I have no worries or fears.  It is what it is and will do my best to see the "LOVE" of my life, through to the end.

Does that make the job easy?  NOPE! .....It's a daily challenge and always a new adventure..... BUT God gives me  strength, courage, patience, wisdom, comfort and anything thing else I need...... He is ALWAYS there for me and HE will see me through this to the end.

Snow & More Snow!

It is breath taking  looking out my windows.... everything is heavily coated in white..... it's beautiful, peaceful and quiet.... Tom's still sleeping and the girls finally settled in for a morning nap.

This is my moment before "OUR DAY" begins..... I thank God for all our blessings, I pray for patience and wisdom and for Tom to have a good day and I wait to hear that sweet little voice coming from the bedroom "M O M ?" alerting me he is awake..... the girls spring to their feet and go greet him with morning kisses.....

I trail behind with his coffee and hand him the telephone...... he usually calls his sister Susie upon waking..... I wait ........ "What's up for the day?"   That's my cue he is awake and READY to converse....... To speak before then can start the day off bad as all he hears is you making a lot of noise and NOT making any sense.

We've been getting a lot of snow these days.... Tom's 4-wheeler isn't able to do the job this year.  This stresses him out because he can't see how we will survive..... WHO & HOW will we keep our place open this winter?????

A friend has been plowing us for now and the county comes in for a small fee to widen and open the driveway..... I'm already on it to find someone to plow on a regular bases the rest of the winter.

BUT Tom's mind won't move past the idea he has to plow with the 4-wheeler..... I tell him NOT to plow and make big piles where I have to snow blow..... but he does anyway.  

Yesterday I chose to laugh at all the big piles I had to walk my little snow blower through..... It took me 4 1/2 hours going steady to do my paths and the mess he made which needed to be done before the temps dropped as it was all wet.

He sat in the house and watched me..... when I came in at 2:30 he was all smiles and happy with the job I had done.  "Didn't take you very long either"........ lol There goes that concept of time.

He announced he was hungry..... I cooked up some grub and we ate.... Okay your going to love this part...... "I'm going to go help Norm snow blow his driveway"........ he says..... "That's nice of you to help him." I replied and chuckled to myself.

Now Norm is in his 70's..... he has 2 long driveways to clear.  He HAD a plow for his truck for years but it bit the dust.... so instead of buying a new plow which he CAN afford he bought a really BIG snow blower.  I seen him in action last year with the NEW SNOW BLOWER and it was useless.

Well I think Tom seen an opportunity to run the BIG BAD BOY.....  He was soon home and said it was a worthless piece of junk.  I laughed as I told him it was but he thought it was just Ol' Norm trying to run something bigger than him...... Tom is all about size when it comes to anything  that falls under the category of "equipment"

So the day ended with Tom proclaiming that I have the BEST snow blower on the market and I did such a good job that he will not push up all those piles again and just let me go out and do the job.

WE"LL SEE!   ((grin))

A Great Thanksgiving Day!

We had a nice Turkey Day.... I cooked Tom's favorites but limited the variety of dishes......  he doesn't like a lot of choices these days.... it just messes him up.

We had another big dumping of snow the night before so Tom once again was stressing over the plowing.... I said once again... "leave it... I'm sure Dick will come plow us out."    and he did.

I got the old Turkey in the oven and headed out to snow blow...... It had to be right around a foot of new snow..... took me most of the day with a break around 1:00 to eat.....  Tom was content to stay in and watch foot ball at that point.

Tom's twin brother Teddy stopped by in the early evening to say his good-byes as he was heading back to warmer temps.....

This doesn't sound like a very exciting day BUT believe me.... It was a "GREAT DAY!"

My Blessing are many......... I come to God with a humble heart and on bended knee Give Thanks!

It's Snowing!

Oh my... someone forgot to close the snow gates! 

IF you did not have to be on the roads and you were like us out in the woods with nowhere to go... nobody to see.... just us and the girls and the forest critters....... THEN  it was a beautiful, glorious, breath taking day....

Tom wasn't real impressed as he was worrying about how we were going to plow all the snow with a 4-wheeler that is in need of repairs.  I said.. "enjoy it (the snow)... God will take care of it"....... and "wa-la"  a friend with a plow on his pickup truck stopped in for coffee.  Of coarse I asked if he'd mind and he said not a bit....

So Tom hopped in the truck with his friend and they plowed..... even if the 4-wheeler was in a one shape...we had too much heavy snow for it to push.... we needed the Big Boy.

Of coarse I couldn't wait to get out and make trails all over the yard for the girls with the snow blower....I extended them this year as I enjoy going for walks with them on these trails too.  That's what I do for exercise in the winter when I need to be SEEN from the house..... "it works"

"HAPPY HOLIDAYS!"

"It finally feels like the Holidays"..... these words broke the silence in the room.  Tom had been sitting at the kitchen table for hours, staring out the window, legs crossed below the knee as one foot lays across the calf of the other leg and shakes it in a quick back and forth motion,  like he's nervous or edgy...... yet his face is blank and relaxed.

The stress of deer hunting is over and it finally is snowing......jerky is drying in the dehydrator and "noodle soup" is simmering on the stove.  I'm sewing "microwave heat bags"  for the grand-kids to warm there little bodies when they come in out of the cold.

The "Holidays" in the past has brought on anxiety  but he appears to be okay so far.  I think he has grown accepting of the fact that there are no expectations on our part to participate in all the activities as our families all gather to celebrate together.

We have a turkey and all the fixings for a Thanksgiving meal for the two of us and our girls (dogs)........ there will be football to watch on TV which is one of the few things he still can follow and enjoy.

I think about all the "Holidays Past" that I took for granted,  that they would always be...... family, children, games and laughter....... I miss that so much as family is what I am all about.

So on bended knee I thank the Lord for what I had and for the wonderful memories that many never experience and pray for a light heart to make this "Holiday Season" another one to REMEMBER....... in my heart of  "HAPPY MEMORIES PAST".......

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve;
I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked for help that I might do greater things;


I was given infirmity that I might do better things.
 

I asked for riches that I might be happy;


I was given poverty that I might be wise.
 

I asked for power that I might have the praise of men;


I was given weakness that I might feel the need for God.
 

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life;


I was given life that I might enjoy all things.
 

I got nothing that I asked for,
but everything I hoped for.
Almost despite myself,
my unspoken prayers were answered;


I among women am most richly blessed.
~ author unknown ~

MOM... I Had Enough!

We got our first snow Saturday night.... nothing compared to southern Minnesota but we have snow none the less...... it gives the woods a whole new look and feeling.... a feeling of calm, tranquility, peace..........

We are in need of quiet, down time.... Tom had a melt down from the disruption in his "boring" life....... our dear neighbor was here when he blew his top..... I'm glad for that as he was able to take the edge off as I was the target....... his Dad died from the disease..... he handled the situation well...... Thanks Dick!

It's hard for someone who doesn't live daily with this disease to understand... stimulation is bad...... (for TOM)  every single person with this disease is DIFFERENT. 

Tom makes comments about others who seem to give up on life... "boy if I were so & so I'd make myself get up and at least go for a walk or something"....... He still makes those comments NOT seeing himself the same as the one's he talks about.

It's sad but it is what it is... it's NOT going to go away, it is going to progress, it is a fatal disease, it is a slow disease,  there are meds to EASE the way.....

BUT until they find what causes it and or find a cure...... your choices are few..... 

It's not JUST about Tom but me too..... if I don't stay healthy mentally and physically Tom is in deep shit...... I am his voice..... I am his caregiver, I am the rest of his life......

I am so grateful to all the well meaning people who love Tom.... and me.  I've let go of what I have learned is BEST FOR TOM and let others do their well meaning things for him......

Teddy has been a trooper in getting him out and about, into restaurants for breakfast and lunches, out bird hunting and deer hunting, riding the roads they traveled in their growing up years.......

Sister Susie finally got him (us) over for a home cooked meal...... and now brother Teddy wants to take us out for super tonight.....while sister Peggy wants to cry on his shoulder ........

OH I'm not exempt..... I was going to have brother Teddy entertain Tom so I could go see my Mom for a day..... I changed my mind when I seen what was happening to him.

Tom begged me........ MOM......please..... I've had enough.

Bored Today ?

Yesterday Brother Teddy took Tom for an afternoon ride.....   He has frequently done this so I can get something done without "Mr. I Am Bored"  under my feet. LOL
 

Well last night after Teddy dropped Tom off Tom said....."I don't want to go anymore.... I just want to stay home."  in a very whiny voice.  I was waiting for the feet to start stomping.  I did have to laugh as he was displaying his little boy pout-y face.

This morning when he woke up he asked if we could just stay home and be by ourselves today...... "you may get bored" I replied...... he was okay with that.

Tom is in such a tough stage..... even with Teddy taking him for rides.  I went with them one day to get out of the house.  Tom is none responsive to conversation.... I thought it was limited to me but that didn't seem to be the case.  All I can say is Teddy's been a real trooper.  I so appreiciate all that he has done.

 I feel somewhat refreshed and got the "kink" in my attitude straightened back out and ready to move on........ taking care of  "My Boy"......... My kids said they can hear a difference in my voice when they talk to me..... 

I have no idea WHAT we are going to do today but it's okay with me today if he sits here and tells me he's bored.  : )

Deer Hunting

The balance of October was a case of "I am bored" on a daily bases with Tom not knowing what he wanted to do because he didn't really want to do anything...... Yet all day I would hear him sigh, followed by "I'm Bored"!  Reminded me of the movie "Ground Hog Day"

BUT November now has a NEW little twist to it so it's  become a different story these days.....  Tom's twin brother Teddy came to stay with us for a while  ..... He has been amazing with his brother and has given me some room to breath..... lol

So Saturday was opening of Deer Hunting..... originally Tom wasn't going to hunt.... BUT now that Teddy was here they decided they would give it a whirl.

Tom was up early and raring to go.... I had most everything they needed in the van the night before........ "Okay Mom... we're going to leave"...... I was still laying in bed so they could have their "guy moment" before heading out.

I got up and wished them luck and they headed out the door.  I watched as the van crept down the drive way........ they stopped?....... they are backing up?...... what did they forget?

Tom and Teddy get out of the van....... "We have a flat tire" Tom said.   "WHAT?"....... yep it was FLAT as a pancake.

I stood in the door way to see what plan B was..... "Should we take your car?"  Tom asks Teddy...... They moved their gear to the car and were headed out once again.

They were home by noon....... Tom gets out of the car as I stand in the doorway of the house..... He holds out his bloody hands.....

"YEAH!!! You got a deer" !!!   I said with excitement in my voice...... But the faces I seen emerge from the car looked anything but happily excited.

Tom shot a deer but now they had to go get it as they didn't want to put it in Teddy's rental car BUT the van had a flat tire that needed to be changed.......

Tom's hunting days have come to a close...... I'm glad the last one was with his brother Teddy ...........  

Tom and I skun it out and it now is in our freezer ready for us to enjoy as we both LOVE VENISON.

Going No-Where Fast.........?

Clear skies, sun shine and no wind..... "looks like a good morning to go see if I can find a partridge"...... "Good idea sweetie".... "What are you going to do?" ........ I'm going to clean up the house, roll cigarettes and fix your jeans"..... "Oh."

Soon he was dresses and ready to go.... I had about an hour to do anything I needed to do when he isn't here.  He takes a thermos of coffee like it will be late before he gets back but in reality I'm lucky to get an hour.

I did the check list thing with him to make sure he has shells, license, cigarettes and I make up a few things to make it sound like he's off on a big trek..... "How many shells do you have?"....... "Six" he relies....... "Than I expect you'll be bringing home six birds.".......... "I hope so Mom"........ "Put the mail in the box when you leave."..... "Okay"........and off he went.

 I waited as I was sure he'd be back before he went hunting..... Sanj & the boys were out the night before ......

No that's not Sanj in the tree....... lol

He returned and I waited in anticipation for his reaction..... he came in and handed me the mail from the day before and left again?????????

HOW COULD HE NOT SEE THAT THING IN THE TREE????????

I got busy doing stuff when the girls started barking.... I look out the window to see a pick up truck coming down the drive really slow?  Than I see Tom on the 4-wheeler following behind.  Than Tom comes from the back of the truck  and talks to the guy..... then the truck makes a u-turn and exposes the 4-wheeler with a yellow tow rope attached to it....... I think I said....... "OH SHIT!"

This belt was the culprit........

Thank God it wasn't complicated to change..... I just wasn't up for it....... : /

After the dust settled Tom said he seen the witch in the tree when the truck towed him home.... he thought it was really funny and loved it......

Thanks Kids!

Leaves...

Tom went 4-wheeling with a couple of  neighbors ........ we live in a nice area for that...... it was such a nice day with unusual warm temps for this time of year for us..... I'm glad he went and I hope he has fun........

This gave me an opportunity to get the leaves... and I do stress the plural on the end of leaf.... as in many!!!...... raked up and moved to the woods.......

We have a small drainage ditch that runs through our yard to drain water from the back to the ditch that drains to the county ditch...... the leaves are so thick that they create a dam in the spring and than our yard becomes a lake..... So I rake up and relocate the leaves that are a problem...... 

When I mentioned to Tom he could help me and it was good exercise... he jumped on his riding lawn mower.....  than he went round and round in circles??????  I told him if he was going to rake leaves with the mower... "blow them into the ditch and I'll get them from there."  "Okay"... he readily agreed.

So he tried with many maneuvers to accomplish this and just couldn't figure it out for the life of him..... than parked the lawn mower and said..."how is that?"  I looked around and seen nothing different so I said..."good job.. that helps me out a lot!"

He was pleased with what he did? and went inside..... at that point so did I as evening was closing in anyway. 

Now it's just me and the girls.... and they are as much help as Tom.... I raked them in a pile and they jumped in the middle to play

......

so I would distract them by telling them there was a squirrel in the tree..... 

that didn't last long and they were back in my leaves again.....  BUT in spite of there help I did get the job done and they made it fun!

A Step Back In Time.......

Tom's been stressed over his weight and the way he feels but can't seem to push himself to go for a walk, walk on the tread mill or anything else that might be linked to any form of exercise...... and he laughs at me and tells me I'm funny when I try to make him.....

Well this A. M. Tom and Emily went...... for a walk that is......

When he got back he said.... "WHOO_AH!  I'm out of shape!" ..... "Tough walk?".... "Yeah!... I went 1 1/2 miles one way"..... "Bet the walk home was the hardest." ...... "Yeah!" he chuckled...... then he took a cup of coffee out side to cool down..... him not the coffee..... he broke a sweat.... "snicker"

I was cleaning house as he had no plans for the day....... "let's go hunting"..... he said when he came in from outside... "okay!" I quickly reply.... "or should we?" he adds......

Oh dear here we go again.... Who's On First?  TOM  can not make a decision any more so we go through... "what do you think?"... "what ever you want to do is fine with me".... "I don't know what I want to do"... "than let's go, nice day for it "... I" don't know..... what do you think"........ argh!!!!!!  This goes on for awhile even when I just go ahead and make a decision....

So we went.... hunting......took only Sarah this time.... The leaves were all on the ground already as we have been having hard frosts.... I'm so glad we got to go once before "The Fall Colors"  was over....

It still was nice in the woods.... nice day.... peaceful and quiet... we never spoke much but I was back in time when he took me the first time bird hunting..... on this same road... I chuckled to myself as I went back in time.....

"Now watch for birds on your side and I'll watch this side" he said as he slowed the car to a crawl......." okay" I answered not having a clue what I was looking for?  It didn't take long before he figured that out ......

"Do you know what your looking for?" he asked as he was chuckling.  " Yah!! I replied trying to sound confident.  "Than why are you looking up in the trees?" he asks still laughing at me.  "I'm looking for birds and birds sit in trees"......

When he gained his composure he explained to me how the partridge sit low on logs or mounds of dirt and so on...... "I knew that...... I just thought the trees were pretty"..... "yah... well we're hunting not tree looking.... eyes on the ground"... and we laughed together.......

A Perfect Day......

Oh what a perfectly beautiful day......

I convinced Tom we should go road hunting.... He started rattling off a list of reasons NOT to..... which I squashed as they stumbled from his mouth as they were all lame excuses in my book........

We left Lilly and Maggie home as they are older and lazy..... so would be fine laying around the house all day together......

We took the two energetic PUPS with as Emily barks from the time we leave the house till we enter again and Sarah ?????  

Nope not leaving her home........

Tom seemed so relaxed when we left..... he didn't say one bad thing about my driving....... hmmmm who's this stranger sitting next to me....... I kind of like this guy... reminds me of this fella I use to know...... dare I hope for a good day together....

It was better than that..... the PUP's were perfectly quiet..... guess that proves they are only bad when the four are together..... : )  

 

we got a few birds but what was better than that is the woods was florescent in color, breathtaking......

 

I suggested we walk as we use to walk for miles on this road when we were young and foolish...... but that brought on a disgruntle, absolutely not, no way in hell, N O !

I didn't bring up that W word again as I didn't want to ruin our day with such an out of the question idea like .... let's walk.....exercise?

Tom's meds are clearly working for him...... as I breath a sigh of relief..... and I thank GOD for everyday we get ....... it's funny how easy it is to accept and adapt to the broken-ness of his mind after you've gone a bout with the anger and rage......

And last night just before we fell asleep... Tom whispered..... "I talked to God a long time last night...."
***************************************************

10/3/10

The ups and downs of this disease is quite trying on one particular care giver.... Yes... me.  I get close to saying "I CAN"T DO IT ANYMORE!

Then Gods says... yes you can!   I say I don't want to.... God says you have to... I chose YOU because this is the job I readied you for.... Tom is a difficult child but he is a child of mine and I need you to see him through this.....

Yesterday I went for a walk in the woods because I had reached a point ...... one in which I needed to walk away...... Tom seen me leave... and I left the girls in the house as I really needed to be alone.... 

I returned three hours later to a hysterical TOM who had rounded up a posse to go in search of me.....

This is the conversation between my daughter and me the next morning.... texting.

U ok?....... YUP!  : )........ Tom freaked out:-§....... I know....... Its hard 2 escape 4 awhile when u r on a short chain!......... Yupppp!!!!!........ Remember when i tried 2 put dusty (cat) on a string?.......... No.. how did that turn out?.......... Gag! Choke! Gasp! Cough! The more she pulled the tighter it got. She looked epileptic. Never did that again!......... ha ha ha...Toms awake... gotta go.

My 9 year old Granddaughter called..... "Gramma are you okay?'......."I'm fine sweetie"......."where did you go?"....  just for a walk in the woods"..... "You scared Grampa really really bad.".... "I know, I didn't mean too"..... "you shouldn't do that, he was really scared."

Tom suffered ultimately for the emotional turmoil I put him through... though unintentional I feel bad.....  especially after I heard his interpretation of what took place.....  It didn't match mine.

Tom trusts me like a parent / child relationship....... To him I am a ROCK... I know all and can do anything, in his mind.   I am someone with strong sound morals.... will give my all to protect my children (him & the girls ) and he loves and trust his MOM like any small child would.   This is our emotional relationship...

In reality Tom  knows I'm his wife, the love of his life, soul mate...... but mentally he can't function as a husband, the other half of us....... so we slowly worked into this Mom / child relationship adding the girls as more kids...... this works for us.  We live in the woods and interact with others when and with whom we choose?

Tom suffers from unbearable pains that SHOOT through a specific part of his leg like lightening bolts...... every few minutes one shoots through crippling him...  After YEARS of trying to find the cause / source...... it appears it's triggered in the brain.   Is STRESS / FEAR  the trigger?

By now you should be able to put together the rest of the story....... The specifics are not important....

I just can't stop thinking about what a long, slow, destructive, life changing, cruel, unfair, tormenting, gut wrenching, heart breaking, lonely disease this is.......  am I going to make it?

TRAP DYING?

This BOY is going to be difficult... I can just tell.....

He won't go for a walk on a nice day SOOOOO  I suggested he re-dye his traps with the old faithful "SPEED DIP" .......... the boil method from his past didn't work.  With Speed Dip you mix gas and this tar looking stuff then dip & hang to dry.....

"OKAY.... I guess I can do that......." he says sounding none to enthusiastic.  "I could just do it on the deck of the shack......."   "NOT!!!!   You (I) don't want that stuff all over the deck to walk in and track it into the house and shack....."

I already had done some preplanning and had the spot and poles already set up.....
He okay-ed it and then instructed me to get his traps and......????  I thought this was a good project for HIM.  I was going tooooo...... oh yah... help him dye his traps.... What was I thinking.... who would do everything for him while he grumbled out his instructions.... 

So he took a wire and bent a hook in it.... he carefully dipped one trap at a time..... I took the trap with my gloved fingers and unhooked the pole from the tree and slid the trap on and hung the pole back to go get my next trap as he was impatiently waiting for me??????  

Guess I'm getting slow in my old age....... "what takes you so long... geeze!!!!"  We made it through about 3 dozen traps...... and I resisted dunking his head in the dip.... I have to admit that the thought crossed my mind but he was at a disadvantage kneeling in front of the tub and gravity in my favor..... hee hee.......

After he washed the dip off his "hands" with gas he turned and looked at me....... "MOM?...... how did you get so full of that stuff?"  I seen a smirk on his face and a twinkle in his eye when he said that looking at me.  I looked down at my cloths and his observation was dead on.... I was covered in that stuff...... than at a glance at his cloths.... he was not........???

I should have dunked him!  LOL

Fat Boy Dieting ?

I decided I needed to put my unmotivated "Fat Boy" on a diet..... All he talks about is how he needs to lose weight and I won't quit cooking food he can't resist.  I cook healthy and HE ADDS tons of butter & bread......?

And the guy won't go for a walk to save his soul????? He thinks starving is the only way to lose weight and I keep telling him he can starve all he wants BUT if he doesn't get his butt moving he won't lose anything.

SO I charged into the bed room yesterday morn after he woke from his morning nap (goes back to sleep till 10:00 A M after his morning coffee in bed) and told him ... "Okay big boy... enough is enough.... WE are on a diet (my way) as of right now....The bread &butter is gone..... you are limited to a SMALL amount of coffee creamer a day and you WILL go for a walk OR get your butt on the tread mill EVERYDAY!"

He burst out laughing..."Mom? what got into you?" ..... "I decided today was THE DAY!  It's suppose to be nice all week so it's a good time to get into a routine." I replied. "Mom... your funny" is what he had to say to that.

Yah... I know his brain is broken BUT sometimes if I make a game out of something he'll go along with it......

He struggled through yesterday..... he did the tread mill for 25 minutes....

 I raked leaves...... I came to the open window where he sat and watched me and said "Hey Tom... there's another rake." inviting him to join me like the old days before AD...... "OH YAH?" he replied like it was an exciting idea to him and than he got that silly look in his eyes and said "why don't you put one in each hand and than you can rake twice as much leaves." lol  "You big shit" I replied and laughed with him.

First Bird of the Season

Tom had to have some med adjustments and now is back on the road to doing what Tom does?  No not just trying my patience and seeing if he can drive me crazier than I already am lol..... but to find things he enjoys doing yet, as they are becoming less as time goes ticking by.

Bird season opened last week end but there were too many people out and about for Tom so we stuck around home for the most part.  He ventured out Tuesday to see what he could find...... He spent  most of the day getting un-stuck in mud holes as the woods is wet.

He did come home with one bird out of seeing six......... 

The girls were all excited to see what Dad had but Sarah was scared of it.....

 

When we went in the house Sarah decided to investigate on her own ....... 

I have to laugh when people tell Tom he should train her to hunt....... ummm that's NOT going to happen.  I think she was born to be a big BABY!  And we kind of like her just like that.

Leaves are are changing color quickly and many just falling.....

The deer changed color over night and and I've been scurrying to get ready for winter as are the squirrels gathering up the left over morsels of corn that the deer leave behind.

The challenges that Alzheimer presents in "our world" are at times traumatic but it is counter balanced with challenges  of expanding my horizons and to see what I can really do.... One never knows what they are made of and where their limits truly are till pushed there without choice.......

It's amazing to say the least and at times it is just plain hilarious..... There is always something to laugh or smile about even if it is just a feat you didn't know you were capable of........

I can do all things through God.......

The Lord IS My Shepherd...........

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Well the party was over as the alien (ALZ) that invades my husband's mind and calls his body home returned...... with a vengeance.

He was MEAN and ORNERY...... I played Merry-Go-Round with people telling me.... "I'm sorry..... he's booked for a year"..... we can put you on his cancellation list but it's long and that can take a year........

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!!!!!!!!  CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW???????

Tom was breaking my heart even though he had nothing nice to say.... he said he hated how he felt and he was trying with all his might to control the meanness that was only escalating in him...... but he couldn't stop it... it controlled him.....

Day four of trying to get him into the over booked... one person in our community that knew what to do.... I had to give it to GOD .... I told my daughter, I sat by the phone for 4 days and got no help....... doesn't anybody out there CARE??????

My two daughters that live in the same area, took over...... By the end of the day Tom had an apt with  "The Main Doc" in NOVEMBER, who is over booked trying to handle a whole community .........  and was put on the TOP of the cancellation list and he had an apt with his regular Doc the next day, with the understanding he was a problem "child" and was to be taken in right away....... to prevent a scene like the last visit to the clinic just for blood .

NOTE.... to those I have lost in this story let me explain...... Tom has only been seeing his regular DR. since diagnosis.... "2006"  who has consulted the Psychiatrist  as far as Alzheimer meds.....

All was well till now..... He NEEDS to be evaluated as every person with ALZ is different and they all react to medications different and going out of town is NOT an option for us and all his drugs seem to have stopped working except for the last med to control anger but the dosage needed to be regulated......

THAT requires a PSYCHIATRIST!

All went well with his regular DR. visit...  He willingly took the one med that works for him to help him behave himself...... and they took him right away as promised..... and he upped his anti-angry med till he could see THE MAIN DOC.... for evaluation.

By the time we got home the clinic had called and Tom has an apt with MR. MAIN DOC on Monday...... WE ARE ECSTATIC!!!!!!

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It has taken time.... with denial and acceptance...... Tom has totally accepted his diagnosis..... and for some reason, not all are aware, he is aware of his actions BUT says it's like someone else driving the car with him in the driver seat....."my words"

The "one" drug that is working and dosage has been increased...... has put him at peace and given him control of the wheel again......

NOW that doesn't mean he makes good choices, can reason, remember, multitask..... and the list goes on...... BUT he at least does it all with a smile on his face and laughter in his voice and he LOVES HIS MOM...... that's me

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NOW how in the world did my daughters, particularly the one I call "the nut that fell closest to the tree?????????"....  I heard she threw herself in front of the train and the train stopped!

LISTEN!!!!!

LISTEN!....... do you hear it?   That's what my daughter said when all the kids went to their first day of school...... That's what it has been like around here too......

Peaceful comes to mind... Tom's good days are turning into weeks...... I know it's not forever but you can bet WE ALL are enjoying it for however long it lasts......

There isn't much lawn mowing required these days as Fall closes in on us...... I need to keep Tom occupied till bird season opens on the 18th of this month.... To me each day feels like a week if he is not happily occupied with something to make the day fly by and him feeling like he had a big day.....

We've been having frosty nights...... Tom panics..... "OHHH it's cold here boy!   North wind blowing and rain.. I wouldn't be surprised if it snows!!!!" ...... he tells his brother on the phone.   "OH BROTHER!" slips from my lips as I shake my head and walk away......?????   and he hates the heat...... and it's NOT that cold.....lol  I call it comfortable!

Tom's new traps arrived yesterday with a package of powder type dye...... he was so excited as it brought back a flood of fond memories from yesteryear..... he set up the old turkey cooker and wash tub as it requires boiling the traps in this dye mixed with water for an hour or so......... he just sat on a bucket and watched them boil........

I ❤ FALL!!!

I'm so excited about FALL being right around the corner... cooler temps, hunting & trapping season approaching, the grass slows down, the leaves changing color and slowly drift to the ground...... UNLESS a big wind goes through... lol,  birds gathering, and there is this smell in the air....... I love the smell of fall almost better than fresh cut grass.........

BEST of all........  FALL brings a flood of vivid memories and very deep emotional feelings of the many adventures that Tom and I share............

Yesterday we mowed our 1/4 mile driveway ditch...... something we do in the fall.  Than Tom helped me pile all the fire wood by his shack......and I talked about how excited I was about trapping and about me skinning the varmints and putting them on stretchers...... I seen this brought a warm glow in his eyes and his face went soft...... "are you really?" he asks......  "are you kidding me?..... I replied........  That was so much fun last year... I can't wait.....!"

This set his mood..... as now we are expecting cooler but wet days ahead.  Boredom or feeling trapped doesn't make for a pleasant time.  This morning when I announced the weather his reply was.... "I'll have to start a fire in the shack"....... a little bit later an excited silly voice came from the bedroom where Tom lay sipping his morning coffee...... "I remember when we first bought this land (in the fall) and we stayed in a tent out here and you cooked me breakfast".......  "On the picnic table, on a little cook stove fighting mosquitoes and rain" I added......  We both burst out laughing.  

This place was a mud hole but it was OUR mud hole and we loved it.........

That was Fall of 2002..... I was noticing then that something wasn't right with Tom but I couldn't put my finger on it....... I also did not know people at that age got Alzheimer's and that it wasn't that rare. 

He slowly declined till I finally said.... "ENOUGH......there is something wrong with him."    He was diagnosed the Fall  2006 with Early Onset Alzheimer's.  It actually was a relief to know what was wrong so we knew how to deal with it.......

So here we are in our own little woods we call home........ still making memories..... living life as it is....... taking one day at a time........ "I'm so glad FALL is here!" ....sigh...

Just Another Day.........

Can I say not a dull moment around here....... ? 

Tom had a 7:45 appointment at the local clinic for some routine blood work......  He didn't sleep well (he doesn't anyway) as he would wake me and ask if he can drink water???  He is use to sipping on pop or coffee (de-caf) during the night.......

I had to chuckle to myself as he has NEVER, in our entire years together...... if he was to fast for blood work... he still had his coffee.  NOW this particular night he brought up the water issue before we went to sleep and during the night but come morning he had his coffee without questioning it.

The morning was flowing smoothly........ I kept reminding him that 7:45 was the apt. but we could arrive anytime and it would be fine.........

We finally all headed out the door to the van... The girls go everywhere with us so they excitedly led the way.  Tom put them in the side door and his (passenger door) was locked.  He waited for me to unlock from my side BUT mine was locked too????  (I never lock it in the yard)

I went in the house to get the spare key as the main set was in the ignition in the van.  Now I am starting to feel panic in my chest...... I sense an explosion ready to happen...... something is not right and it's going to ignite the fuse in Tom's irrational head.  Did I say "short" fuse?.......  Well I meant to say SHORT fuse in Tom's irrational AD  head.

We close the van doors and I turn the key and......NOTHING!  "OH SHIT!"  I said to myself and my head started spinning...... (Not Literally) lol.   "What's wrong... what's the hold up?"  He demands in a strong voice........ "The battery appears to be dead" I replied back with a strong voice an very matter of fact-ly.

Staying calm and in control on the outside but FREAKING OUT on the inside I was...... He has been displaying the  Jeckle & Hyde personality  on a daily bases and he flips back and forth with no warning and not always triggered by the unexpected as in this case.  There has been paranoia rages also.......

Now if you don't know... I will tell you the EFFECT this has been having on me..... I am physically exhausted from doing EVERYTHING for "US" = 6 of us......   "doing everything" = everything that does NOT require a riding lawn mower OR 4-wheeler.

 Than there is the sadness.... that never leaves your heart ......as the days turn into months and years... ever so slowly watching your spouse change......  and watch him (her) losing a little  piece at a time..... of themselves... who they are.... the relationship you once had...... the life you once lived and the future you looked forward to....... together?

AND than there is the financial burden of turning pennies into dollars and seeing to it "HIS NEEDS" are met ... the bills are paid and there is a roof over his head and his belly is full and "where is all the $$$$$"....... I want.... I want.....  ARGH!!!!

So with all the above being my "EXCUSE" .......... I had left the key "on" in the van the night before when I went to shut the windows in case it rained....... OOOPS!  And no I wasn't stupid enough to tell him that... I played stupid?

He yelled for me to get the battery charger but for some reason???? and I KNOW the difference....... I brought him the air compressor...... ?????

That didn't set well with him now in a rage......... I'm laughing now as to look back it was FUNNY.   But at the moment.... his behavior was like a 3 year old in a full blown temper tantrum........ which was just plain pissing me off at this point...... So I ignored him and called my brother in law and he gave us a jump......

Once at the clinic he was loud... complaining of sitting there for hours... after less than 10 minutes.... demanded to go in NOW.... he had work to do... didn't have time for them to be sitting around gabbing..... he came out still mouthing off... loudly....  "I have no patience for this ..... and it's bull shit having to sit and wait for hours to get in when they are just.............." people are now chuckling..... whispering..... and staring......

I smile... hold my head up high and depart  trailing behind him like this is normal........  I did tell one guy in there he has Alzheimer's so hopefully he filled in a few inquisitive minds.......

I had a few short stops to make on the way home and as we drove in our driveway he said... "MOM I'm hungry"........

A Hit At The Bear Bait......?

"Tom".... (the bear guide helper)..... decided to put out bait in "our woods"...... ???? near the house?????

It wasn't long when he thought of  the perfect spot and was off putting up his required sign ..........

and putting out his bucket of sweet treats..... "Bait"

NOW a few blogs back I think I talked about the girls and I mowing paths in the woods.......ummm yep!   He drove (4-wheeler) to the end of one of the paths and put out his bait.......threw some logs over it as that's what they do........

"What about the girls?".... I asked.  "You will just have to watch them".... was his answer.  "No problem!"...  I replied.  Thought a stupid answer back at him was called for...... he didn't get it anyway???

The next morning the girls were out doing their morning duties and ran off into the woods to investigate the happenings that took place in the night..... There are lot's of new smells and I noticed the noses in the air and than they headed down the path Tom put his bait on......

OH BROTHER..... I slipped into some shoes and was in hot pursuit..... as I neared the end of the path where the bait was I could see Sarah and Emily at the bait station........

They wagged their tails and ran to me.... "Mom.... look what we found!"........ lol  How do you tell them that they no longer are allowed to play where they have been all summer.....

Later that morning when Tom woke up to greet the day...... I sat on the edge of the bed as he sipped his coffee........

"Something has been at your bear bait."  I started the conversation.  "Oh yah"...... was his response as I sparked his interest to listen........ "BUT I don't think it was a bear..... the logs weren't moved."  He was quiet for awhile while processing what I said.   "I think I know what it was"..... I added after I gave him time to think about it.  He looked at me with questioning eyes........ so I smirked and nodded toward Sarah and Emily........ He got it and laughed.

"What are we going to do about it..... ????"......... "I'll just have to tell Bob I can't keep the dogs away from there"......  "WHEW!"... I was relieved he said that, being his own idea.

NEXT DAY:   Yes there is more...... Alz changes his mind a lot or doesn't remember prior conversations or decisions we have agreed upon......

I came in from outside...... " I talked to Bob this morning"...... "OH?... and did you tell him about the dogs getting into the bear bait?"....... "NO but he said he was bringing out some scent to attract bears"........ "Does it also repel dogs?"...... "I DON"T KNOW CINDY...... OKAY?" ......... he just used the "C" word... the end of discussion!........ YIKES!

Bear Baiting Begins...

My Mother is recuperating nicely at my sisters..... She is an amazing women with lot's of determination.......  She has shocked our locals in the medical field... LOL

Yes there were repercussions from the disturbance in our safe secure little world in the woods...... I've tended to my Mother when needed...... and any one dealing with the disease as a caregiver knows how that went......

BUT..... SHE"S MY MOM ♥

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Now moving forward..... Bear Baiting has now started.... AND "Tom" is a licensed guide/helper......  Bear Hunting starts September 4th.......

Now as some of you know from older posts.... Tom has messed up BOB the Bear Guide' s hunts in the past....  Tom is just kind of everywhere in the fall..... and doesn't  "mean too"  be in the wrong place at the wrong time ..... He can't help it.....  he has to go see if bear has been at baits and if a hunter got one by looking for blood at bait stations and how was he to know a hunter was sitting at these spots hunting....... when he's checking it out...... I mean you can't see them because they are sitting in blinds after all........

That being said... Bob decided to have Tom be a licensed helper..... hoping to keep him in check I think  ...lol.   Good Luck to Bob........  In the mean time it occupies some of Tom's time so I don't mind at all.......

SO  day #1 they headed out to put up signs to mark their stations and to put out bait........

Bull Moose Visits?

Now who would of thought .......... ?

I took our digital camera to the hospital with me Wednesday when I went to do my shift with Gram. My daughter wanted me to send her a pic of the flowers she sent Granny.  They were so beautiful......

I was so excited when I got there because Gram decided she wanted out of there NOW and mustard up all she had in her and then some.......

They got her on her feet and once she had a grip on the surgical walker she took off down the hall...... She dropped a lot of jaws........ We were pulling a wheel chair behind her in case she ran out of steam but she managed to make it back to her room before she gave way....

I was excited to share this with Tom but I didn't get a chance to speak.... I was in trouble again!!!!!!!  lol

There was a  BIG Bull Moose walking around in our yard and close to the house and I had the camera..... "oh shit"  I said knowing what was coming next....... Than I remembered an old camera with film in it ...... so when he called back I guided him to it and thank goodness the battery was good in it.....

He was "irate" when I got home at noon....... ?????  Than I seen his anti-mad pill still sitting in it's pill dish..... he took it still cussing but I knew in a matter of time and all would be fine...........

 I developed the film the next day and requested they crop the picture with the best moose and make the moose as big as they could.......  When we got the pictures home and I look at the moose in the photos I said......"Tom, did you say this was a Big Bull WITH  Horns?"  ........  "Yah MOM..... but I was just teasing you..... it's a cow moose."

NO TRESSPASSING?

On Monday... August 2nd..... My Mom had intestinal surgery..... She is  78 and a ball of spit fire.  She went through heart and lung tests to be sure odds were in her favor of making it through a "long" surgery, yet her condition was life threatening if left as is.

We all call her lovingly "GRANNY"...... She is the unwavering foundation of our family and her strengths comes without a doubt...from God....

My sister is a surgical nurse at this hospital and even though she wasn't in on the surgery .... she was right there.  Myself and two of my daughters were able to work out shifts to stay with her......

I took morning shift to be with her as that is the BEST time ..... IF there is a best time to leave Tom home alone for a few hours...... 

Monday went fine.... Tom just whined a little about how I was gone FOREVER and he didn't like it......  The Tom before Alz.. would have been sitting there with me...... next to her bed fussing over her..... He loved Granny so much!!!!

So I pampered him the rest of the day and evening and told him I was sorry but had no choice and what a great job he did for Granny blah..blah.. blah..... He'd agree and whined some more..... lol

NOW to the rest of the world he tells them he is just fine... don't know what the fuss is all about... yes she (meaning me) will be going back up later ...... TOM knows what is politically correct to say BUT it's not how he feels....... and he knows I'll be saying "I'm not going anywhere...... YOU come first."

So before we went to sleep I broke it to him that I had to go up for a few hours in the morning till Kelly got there...... I told him Sandy felt it was a "privilege" to sit with Granny all night even though she just got off a 12 hour shift and would leave in the AM from the hospital back for another. 

He agreed it was only right that I go BUT he didn't want me too so Kelly better hurry up and get there... blah... blah.. blah....

I kept calling him from the hospital and he was doing fine..... He didn't like it but he was okay.....

I stopped at the grocery store on the way home to get fixings for tacos... he LOVES tacos...... half hour from town to our place... as I drive in he comes STORMING  out the door waving his middle finger at me in a very threatening mad way......

My thoughts were "oh shittt!"........ I open my door and the words coming out of his mouth matched the shacking of his middle finger at me.......

I couldn't make any sense of what was coming out of his mouth..... I finally pieced together........

There were three ladies here and one was from the bank and one was an appraiser and one wanted to buy our house...... he was scared to death.. didn't know what to say or do or what was going on......  some one wanted to buy our home.... they used the word foreclosure..... and went on and on and he didn't know what they were talking about and they wouldn't leave and  I wasn't home to deal with them and take care of it and HIM.....

"MOM...Your suppose to be here all the time to take care of me NOT running all over the place... I was scared MOM and YOU weren't here.... " 

He repeated that till I got a hold of some people and let them all have my two cents ...... it may have been four....... I was pretty mad right then and I don't think I was very  nice and Tom than said...."Ya because you got mad at them hah Mom.....that wasn't nice what they did.....they really scared me... but you yelled at them hah....."

I have beware of DOGS signs..... no trespassing signs and private property signs at the end of my drive way??????  A gate is now going up and will be locked when I have to leave......

The people I talked to said it was a mistake... they had the wrong address... ?????
I don't buy it!       "SHE" still wants to buy our place......????    N O T!!!!!! FOR SALE.

Lending a Helping Hand......

Tom came home the other evening from the neighbors..... (Norm's).  He's an elderly gentleman, just him and his wife..... and he is finding it hard to do things like cutting up fire wood which they depend on for heat in the winter........

So Tom and I went over to give him a hand.... 

Winter comes too fast around here and you need to be ready sooner than later.  They have nobody to look to for help.

Tom and I use to do stuff like this all the time... We enjoyed it.  But Alzheimer's has taken that all away from Tom. Seeing the old man cry bothered Tom........ not like before AD but enough to where he decided he'd cut it up if I'd help........

Before AD... we would have cut up that whole pile of wood in one day and it would all be in the wood shed neatly stacked the next........ and anything that need splitting would have been spit.... by hand..... for fun.....

I didn't think we'd be so young when we'd (I) looked back at the years past and say.... "those were the good old days."

(((((((T-I-M-B-E-R)))))))).......

Tom came barreling through the door....... "MOM!!  MOM!!! are you busy?" he asks when he rounds the corner and spots me in the kitchen....

"What do you need Tom?".......... " I have a project for you and me if you want.".......... "okay.... what are WE doing?"......... "I want to mow that path over there further into the woods so I can get to some ash to cut up for fire wood and I need you to cut out a few small trees with your pruning sheers as I mow."

SOUNDS like a harmless project to keep him busy and out of trouble for awhile.......  I picture him clearing big stuff off the path and I clip the new little trees that are starting to grow and than it will be clear for him to run the rider through.....

That's how it DIDN'T go...... it was more like me two steps ahead of him, throwing debre off the path and trying to cut the bigger seedlings with my shears before he ran me and everything else in the path over.......lol

When the trail was cleared he headed back for his chain saw....

He instructed me to put the girls in till the trees were down.  Now I'm wondering what the heck is he cutting down..... fire wood for a little shack stove that he spends NO time in does not require taking down big ash trees........ I THOUGHT he was going after some downed dry trees.

I put the girls in the house and headed back out to see what he was up too.  I remember when he downed a whole grove of cedar to feed the deer one winter and he still hasn't cut all that up...... That was before I knew his brain was broke.

When I got to where he was.. he was looking up at some pretty big trees..... I knew at least one had to come down before I could talk him into NOT taking any more down.....

He was a Heavy Equipment Operator and Logger by trade...... Every once in a blue moon a "big tree" NEEDS to come down.  He spends a lot of time finding the biggest tree and a good reason why it must go down.

After the tree went down without a hitch he was pointing out ALL the others that were going too.  I convinced him to cut up and split this one first, to buy time to protect the rest from going down......

I knew once he started splitting this up he would decide it was too much physical labor for him..... 

Cutting, Splitting, Hauling & Stacking Wood use to be one of our favorite things to do together.  On the way out of the woods I talked about how beautiful the ASH Trees were and what a shame to cut them down just to burn up.....

That gave him the "out" he needed so he said "OK MOM.... I won't cut any more down"