Living In An Evil Fog

LIVING in an Evil Fog
By David & Elizabeth (Betsy) Howe

My family and friends ask how I am doing. The answer usually is “fine.” I am doing fine overall. Very few ask what this condition feels like. It feels like living in and evil fog.

A fog is something all can understand. ‘I’ am inside. I can see out. I ‘know’ who I am and what I should be able to do. I ‘know’ what I want to say. But the fog envelops me. It holds me in its evil grasp. It keeps me from doing all I know I could before.

The fog is like a demon from a horror movie. It pulls me deeper and deeper into itself. It pulls me farther and farther away from my ‘outside’ life. It makes my body less responsive and capable. It keeps my thought inside and won’t let me send them out to the world.

The fog never goes away. The fog just sucks me in deeper and deeper, day by day, farther and farther from what should be my life. It’s hard to watch myself leaving. It’s hard for my wife and family to watch me leaving. I know that. I see that.

My wife and I do not dwell on what is gone. We focus on what is left. Much is left. It is comforting to have great friends and family who care. Our friends continue to socialize with us, even though I get quieter and quieter. The right words more often won’t come out of the fog. The fog grabs my ideas as they form and pulls them back into its evil clutches. By then the conversation has moved on without me.

The fog slows time for me and speeds up the outside world. Everything seems to move faster. I seem to keep moving slower. I daily trudge through a fog as thick as molasses. It sometimes gets exhausting and I must take a break with ‘no brain’ things like reading or watching TV, but every now and then even reading or watching TV is exhausting.

Sound depressing? My wife and I are doing great at accepting and not being depressed. ‘What is’ is ‘what is’. I cannot change it. No one can change it. My wife helps me continue to me ‘me.’ She helped me put together this article to share with you.

I hope that as the fog grows denser and pulls me farther and farther away, my friends and family will remember ‘me.’ I hope they will continue to talk to ‘me’ even when they can no longer see the ‘me’ clutched deep within the fog.
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Powerful isn't it? It was written by a man who suffers from Alzheimers and his wife helped him. I read it to Tom and he said WOW! That's exactly how I feel.

Tom said what helps him is I seem to know so much about the disease and understand what's going on with him so he doesn't have to try to explain it to me.
He said..." YOU JUST KNOW" and I know I'm lucky because of it.

A Fox!

Tom always says.........."when your in the woods, always be looking as you never know what you might see."

He reflects this statement on a daily basis, always looking out the window, and when he spots something cool he hollers for me and than says ............"always be looking because in the woods you never know what you might see."

WELL this morning when the three decided "I" needed to be up and awake because Tom wanted his coffee and the girls wanted to play, I seen the most beautiful Red Fox on the driveway close to the house.

The girls were outside doing their potty business and I was making coffee, when I noticed Maggie stop and point. Now when I went to look at what she was pointing at I expected to see a partridge but low and behold, it was the fox.

Now I was lucky LILLY was not in a "position" to see it or she would be history.......and Maggie is an over achiever, didn't feel a threat, and just let me know it was there. Maggie is a "SAINT" Lilly is just having a hard time living up to her big sisters achievements. She suffers from middle child syndrome.

A couple days ago Tom called me to the window and said..."do you see anything out there?" I said "the deer?" He said "no... something else." "Well where should I be looking" I asked? "Out there" is a lot of area if what he is looking at is small.

Then he gave me a clue....."on the ground by the edge of the woods" So as I look and strain to see what he sees I repeat the words...."on the ground by the edge of the woods"...........

Out of frustration he says, "CINDY! Don't you see the partridge, there is three or four of them"....... "Oh yeah I seen them!" I said, trying to cover the fact that even after he pointed them out I could barely make them out because it was dusk. "The way you were talking I thought you seen something unusual." I said. "Yah......I see the partridges."

He didn't buy my story and once again he recited his saying......"when your in the woods, always be looking as you never know what you might see."

Under The Weather

I haven't been here in a bit because I've been a little under the weather. Allergies gone bad causing ear and sinus infections. So after a doctor visit, antibiotics and allergy meds. I'm on the road to recovery..........."Wahoo!"

Sanj and Mitch came out Saturday with fixings for home made chicken noodle soup. So if the drugs don't help than we know the soup will. And than for back up Sal brought me a bottle of vitamin C. Big letters on the outside of the bottle says....Helps Boost Immune System!

So I should be tap dancing in no time. Oh...I guess I don't tap dance........... I don't do cartwheels either. I best be keeping both feet on the floor now that I think about it. : )

Sick or not, life goes on, and these three don't stop for nothing. They get bored and than I hear crashing and than Tom going Oh! Oh!........ and than Tom blaming everything on the girls, like he had no part of what was going on. They tipped the couch over three times in one day! There is stuffing from the girl's toys all over the floor and shredded stuffed animals.

I ask who did this and they all three look at me like they have no clue! Uh huh! I told them they were all grounded. : (

Xmas?

WOW!!!!!! What's with the lights? WELL let me tell you about it ;-) We have most everything put away and ready for winter. It's nice to get it done when the weather is still nice and early winter is in the air.

We went and retrieved the boat from the beaver pond. We didn't bring the gun so of coarse there were two geese in it. Oh well, we got the boat home and put away without too much trouble. I think next time I'll wear my waders though. Just a thought : )

We have a plow for the 4-wheeler, which is how we keep our quarter mile drive way open in the winter and most of the yard too : ) Well the plow needed some welding on it to beef it up. My son Travis brought us his self feed welder so we could work on it when Tom was in the mood. We got that done the other day and didn't weld anything backwards this time either. High five Tom....

So......... the Olsons are ready. NOT just ready for winter but decided to get ready for Xmas too. Tom wanted an outside tree this year which is fine with me. Holiday decorations and stuff will just mess him up anyway. Well we wanted our tree to freeze in the ground so we went shopping in our woods, found a tree, brought it home, dug a hole, and set up the tree.

Well now the tree is in the ground, why not put the lights on now too instead of when it's cold out. Well heck, now the lights are on the tree let's plug them in. WOW they look so nice let's just leave them on and maybe we'll get an early snow.

Boy the seasons fly by these days. Before you know it, it will be Easter? : 0

A Fun Day!

"Well look there", Tom said.....I looked out the window to see four partridges strutting around in the yard. Tom got one and three flew. I said that's okay. Have to leave something for seed. : ) Maggie was happy to see he got at least one. She darted out and proudly brought it back. Lilly sat in the window and watched with excitement as she wanted to join in the fun even if she was clueless as to what was going on.

It's been at least two months since Tom's been out of the woods. So we took a stroll over to Littlefork where Kel and Jason live. Jason and Tom went for a drive to see if they could stir up some birds. They came home empty handed but seemed to have had a good time anyway. Jason looks out for Ol' Gramps so I don't worry to much when Toms with him.

Tom just doesn't like to leave the security of our woods any more. This is normal for some one with Alz. Many ( not all ) withdraw because in the outside world they become confused easily. Sends them into a tail spin. Something like traffic or flashing lights or anything out of the blue when driving can set them off. If I happen to hit a pot hole on the county road, it will set him off and he wants to go back home.

But yesterday turned out to be a good day. The girls used there company manners, the day was uneventful, we all enjoyed our outing. Jason sent a big package of fish home with us so we didn't come home empty handed. That made Tom one HAPPY boy!

We are so GRATEFUL to our whole family, who understand and accommodate us. It's your support that makes it possible for us to LIVE with this disease. Tom is very much aware of the support and acceptance we receive from all of you. Your understanding and acceptance makes it possible for him to accept what is happening to him and encourages him to do his best and be his best. Some days that takes a lot of effort on his part And you all keep me a float also. It's no easy job but God helps me through it. And I thank him for giving me all of you, I call all of you "MY ANGELS"

Thank You all from the bottom of our hearts : )

Travis Visits!

The sun was shining on our home this weekend as it rained all around us. The sunshine is what I felt in my heart. My son Travis came up to see us. He came up Friday night and left Saturday evening. I think I did on over kill on baking and cooking though. Had to send the "twice baked" blueberry pie home with him. It's something new I tried and turned out pretty good. "wink"

Tom and Travis went out to the beaver pond in the morning. Travis shot his first duck with his new shot gun. He hasn't hunted ducks or geese before. I think he likes it and I know they had fun as they were laughing about something when they got back. Travis also shot a partridge in our driveway. So he didn't go home empty handed.

Of course I cooked up a big breakfast when they came in from the cold and rain. We were just sitting down to eat and here comes Kelly in her pjs. Tom was teasing her on the phone about all the food I was cooking. So she said she'd be right over and to his surprise, she really was. Kelly and Travis are very close siblings so she really just came to see him for a bit and thought she'd get in on the breakfast deal too. Tom and I both really enjoyed having the two here.

To those who don't understand the disease Tom has. (EOAD).......Tom can't handle people for any length of time. Who you are and how much he loves you plays no part in this cruel disease. Groups of people and children send him into a tail spin. I think it's the noise factor and pace. In order for Tom to function at the highest level " he can" his environment has to be uncluttered, quiet, & routine. SIMPLICITY is the key word here, and a strong sense of SECURITY. That's ME : )

So as a result I don't see my family much and for short periods when I do. My kids and family learned, accept and accommodate us, so even though my world with Tom has limits, I get to still enjoy some of the world I use to live in. Hence my son's visit was a joyous occasion for me as is when any of my family get that rare opportunity to stop in.

There is so much in life we all take for granted. We are all so busy working towards something we don't have. It's okay to set goals, want more than what we have, make plans for the future. But ......don't forget to stop and look at all you have been blessed with today because today is all that you really have and tomorrow is what we hope for.

FALL COLORS

I love fall. It's my favorite time of year. The smell of the woods, the trees changing color, leaves raining down on a windy day, dark blue cloudy skies. ground foliage going to sleep, birds flocking, geese honking, deer changing color, squirrels scurrying, partridge drumming, and the smell of smoke from a wood stove on a frosty cold night.............

Today was a beautiful fall day, so Tom and I chanced leaving Mag & Lilly home alone. This didn't turn out too good for us on past occasions. We didn't see any birds but had a great time and took lot's of photos. Last year Tom and I went almost everyday till deer season opened. I miss getting to go but what do you do. I would rather have Lilly than not. She makes us laugh on a daily bases. And laughter is good for the soul.

PS ( All was well when we got home. Lilly
was a good girl)

Row, Row, Row your boat.........

Taylor came over with her Mom, Kelly today to help take care of "Hop Along Gramma." Grampa was happy about that because than he could go hunting without worrying about what Gramma was doing that she shouldn't be doing.

Well Grampa came home with Maggie and they were both a little upset. They shot two geese but once again they were on the other side of the pond. Soooo Gramps and Mag loaded his boat on the 4-wheeler and away the two of them went back after the geese.

Once at the pond and the boat in the water, Tom had a heck of a time getting Mag in the boat. She didn't know what he was up to and she's to heavy to just lift in. Finally she got in.

Tom rowed, I mean paddled (one oar) to the other side of the pond. Half way across a flock of geese flew over. The gun was in the front of the boat . Tom tried to get to it, but Mag shifted her weight (120lbs) to one side and almost swamped the boat. He scrapped that idea.

Once they got to the other side they hunted down their two down geese. High five you two!

With Mag being so hard to get in the boat Tom decided she could swim back. Mag loves swimming so much that should have made her happy. Half way across the pond Tom looked back and there was Mag on shore whining...."Come get me!" Aw man! Tom turned the boat around, went back to shore where Mag was, tuned the boat around so the back was facing shore, than she jumped in for her ride back across. : )

She messes with him all the time. Personally, I think it's funny. Especially since she sleeps on my bed with him and I on hers because if Maggie isn't happy....NOBODY sleeps!

It's a bird, It's a plane, no it's "MOM".......SPLAT : (

SO............I had a little mishap this morning. Woke to a beautiful sunny, Sunday morning. I said, "any body for blueberry pancakes?" I got three yes-es on that.

After I put the first one in the pan I went for the last jar of home made strawberry jam. Tom's favorite! I have some unusually high cupboards. I stored the jams and jellies on a top shelf. Why not. You only retrieve a jar now and than so seemed like the place to store them to me.

Well it turned out to NOT be such a good idea. I was standing on the counter, looking at the jar of jam in my hand. Turned to tell Tom, he better enjoy this one as it was the last. Next thing I knew I was trying to save the jar from hitting the floor and breaking as I felt an excruciating pain in my ankle. Dang...there went the last jar of strawberry jam and my ankle.

Now where is the video camera when something like this happens. I mean old granny flying off the counter had to be quite a sight. I at least deserve a pair of wings for trying. Oh and by the way....I inherited my graceful traits from my beloved MOTHER. Her middle name is GRACE. I passed it on to a few of my children too. No Names. You know who you are. : )

A trip to ER accompanied by two of my girls (Sanj & Kelly) and grandsons (Mitch & Kalan), proved to be entertaining all by itself. X-rays showed no broken bones, that's good, and the usual instructions for a sprain. And a little Elmer's glue, oh, I mean crazy glue on a minor cut on my hand.

Sanj called Tom from the hospital to let him know everything was okay. I heard her tell him " I have some good news and some bad news. The good new is she has no broken bones. The bad news is they have to do brain surgery, because there must be something wrong with her that she would try to save a jar of jam instead of herself when falling off the counter."

My defense is........... I didn't have a whole lot of time to think that out clearly. : )

Thanks boy's for spending your afternoon with your Granny at the ER. Love You!

A hunting we will go.......

Now Mag and Tom haven't been in tune lately. It was beginning to frustrate Mag and Tom both. Tom thought it was from not working with Mag since we got Lilly and Mag just figured her Dad is just a bad shot. It use to be, Tom shot, Maggie went and got the bird and brought it back to Tom. But lately Tom shoots, Maggie goes to get the bird and no bird.

Well good news. They are back in sync and have regained their faith in each other. Tom shot a duck, Mag jumped in and swam so hard to retrieve it, Tom said her front end was almost coming out of the water. And that's not easy for a dog who weighs 120 lbs. And Mag was thinking, "FINALLY", he got one and I'm not letting it get away.

Tom said after that she wanted to sit on his lap and everything because she was so happy. She sure was full of smiles when she came through the door when they got home. They got another one later today too so I threw them in the oven. "Mmmmmmm" Tom and Mag said that was some good DUCK : )

Straw Man

Fall is in the air and winter is peeking around the corner. We started prepping for winter. Tom doesn't do well on demand, but rather does things when he feels like it. He also would rather do these chores on nicer days. We are 90% ready for winter I guess.

We put up a bird feeder in front of the window, where he can sit and watch the birds. We used a cedar pole with a crotch in it. Than we nailed an old feeder we had on top. Tom's been really enjoying watching birds this fall. So it should be a nice distraction this winter as we don't go out much than. (The grass appears white in the picture because it was 20 above this a.m.........FROST)

So today when Tom was off looking for birds, the girls and I made this straw man. They were pulling straw out as I was trying to put it in. Some how I managed to get it stuffed and kept it that way, so I could get it set up before Tom got back.

When he came in he said he thought it was me goofing around but it didn't move when he got close. Than the girls were barking at it every time they looked out the window so I decided to move it.

I put the straw man and a lawn chair in the wheel barrow, than the girls and I hauled Mr. Straw Man out to the county road. He's sitting by some brush Tom piled up this summer and he has a coffee mug in his hands and he's wearing a pair of yellow work gloves.

Tom and I are laughing because people are probably saying...."Tom has really lost it now." People already approach him with caution out on the trails with his long hair and beard. ......... He ran into an old retired guy today who was out mostly for the ride. Tom said the old guy said," you look like you live in the woods.." : 0

Bird Hunting

Tom was listening to baseball the other day, on the radio. Even when it's televised, he prefers to listen on the radio. You can see in his eyes it takes him to a good place from the past.

I ask him "where are you?" He looks at me with a puzzled look and says "what?"
I said, "where are you in your mind?" He smiles and said " sitting in a blind with my dad duck hunting. We would listen to the world series when we were duck hunting....................... I miss my dad, boy! "

As Tom's world is shrinking, he is still hunting, just on a lower scale. We have a beaver pond in the woods behind our place. Ducks and geese fly in there. Now Maggie hasn't had any formal training to retrieve but she has a lot of natural instinct going for her.

I've been with, when approaching the pond, she gets just so close and stops. Tom continues on, crouched down. This time he wanted her to stay with him so she could see where it fell, if he got one. So he waved for her to follow.

As Tom reached the edge of the dam, Birds flew, Tom shot, Maggie jumped in......she swam around and around the pond, looking for the bird. The bird had landed on the other side of the pond. He'd point, threw sticks, she'd get close, turn and come back. He said this went on for quite awhile. They came home without the bird. : (

They walked in the house together. Mag was all wet. Tom walked up to me and said " I threw all my shell in the pond." I said , "WHAT?" He kinda laughed and repeated, "I threw my shells in the pond." I said "WHY?" looking at him a little confused. "The bird was on the other side of the pond and I couldn't throw a stick far enough to get Mag to swim over there so I threw my shells. Now I don't have any more shells." He replied.

I asked if he thought that one out before he did it. He said no, I just wanted that bird. ...........

So today Tom received a box of shells, a bucket of rocks and a bag of Maggie treats, from someone who heard the story. When he came in from hunting he said, "I saved the shells and just threw rocks." Now that's funny!